NBA All-Star Weekend Recap

The NBA's biggest weekend turned out to be mostly an embarrasment. If you missed it, consider yourself lucky. Here are some of the rare highlights, and myriad of lowlights that occurred over the weekend.

- Maybe the sound wasn't good, but that sure was a quiet group of 108,000 fans yesterday. Seriously Texas, show some damn emotion if you are going to sit there. Most people in the crowd were probably just watching the scoreboard anyway. Probably the only noise that I did hear during the game was the organist GOING TO TOWN in the first quarter. Every single possession featured a new song, without let-up. I think Jerrah Jones killed the organist himself because it went dead silent in the 2nd half, which turned out to be the only way i could keep watching the game.

- Lebron gets a lot of credit for being great with bad teammates, but NOBODY has it worse than Dwyane Wade. He gets forgotten to a certain degree because the Heat are so mediocre, but yesterday he proved that he is on Lebron's level (plus he already has a ring). If Wade gets any sort of players around him before his body wears down, he will do serious damage.

-The only way to make NBA Saturday Night interesting is if more of the big stars participate. The dunk contest is what it is because the greatest players made it special. Yeah Nate Robinson is a good dunker, but everyone wants to see Lebron, D Howard and other STARS competing. It would also help if they cut out some commercials. There is no rhythm to the events because every 5 minutes TNT has to show a Geico commercial.

-Paul Pierce is a good player, but he needs to check himself. Saying shit like he's one of the best shooters of all-time is dumb to begin with, but its even dumber when there is already a greater shooter on his own team. Ray Allen must have given the stink-eyes of all stink-eyes when he heard Pierce's victory speech. Truth should go back to flopping on drives to the hoop and pretending to show gang signs to boost his imagined street cred instead of staying he is an all-time great shooter.

-Even funnier than Pierce's boasts was Kenny Smith saying he was a top-10 Celtic of all time. Rightfully so, he got clowned by Ernie and the gang immediately. It takes hard work to say something dumber than my boy Chuckster, but Kenny outdid himself this time.

- Sadly, the most enlightening moment of the entire weekend when Mark Cuban pretty much guaranteed a lock-out after next year. I side with the players in the argument. Its not their fault the owners are dumb enough to give them so much money. Now its their responsibility to bear the "corrections" that need to take place? Bullshit. Maybe if teams didn't give fools like Samuel Dalembert 65 million dollar contracts, they wouldn't be losing money.

- Finally, the best moment of the weekend, by far, were Shakira's hips. In retrospect, I don't really care that Saturday night blew and a somnambulant crowd ruined a really good All-Star game, because I got to imagine the severe dicking I would give to Shakira. My god, that girl is BAD.

Deconstructing Danica

Later this week, Danica Patrick is going to race in a Nascar Race at Daytona. (Well not a real Nascar race, just a Nationwide race). This has become THE big story in auto racing, as it is seen as a great step forward for women. However, once you peel away all the politically correct bullshit that will undoubtedly be spun, all you are left with is a hollow story about a bad driver with nothing more than a (sort-of) pretty face.

If Danica Patrick's racing career in one word, it would be dissapointment. For a while it seemed like she might actually be everything she claimed to be: the first female driver in American auto racing history who could actually be legitimately competitive on a consistent basis. Then, we all found out that she sucked. Despite racing in some of the best equipment in the IRL and having a built-in advantage of weighing significantly less than her fellow competitors (which would theoretically make her car go faster), she was an also-ran. Even her well publicized victory in Japan was more a factor of luck than skill. Danica didn't really win the race, she just had the good fortune of the best cars running out of gas ahead of her. She had about the same success of her much less-heralded female competitors Milka Duno and Sara Fisher even with all of her built-in advantages. In other words, she was the IRL's Dick Trickle.

Now she's basically getting a free opportunity in NASCAR to try and force us to respect her, simply because she's a woman driving a car. Look, I have no problem with her racing, my problem is with her getting chance after chance to prove something that she is not, basically worthy of our respect and of her lofty stature in our society. She has never been anything more than a glorified novelty act her entire career.

Now all of the feminine drones out there will probably scream that I am misogynistic, but nothing could be further from the truth. I'd be totally cool with her getting attention and accolades IF SHE HAD ACTUALLY EARNED IT. If she goes out and dominates this Nationwide Series and eventually becomes a solid competitor in NASCAR then I will be happy for her, but don't try to make me eat a turd sandwich by hiding it in a Five Guys wrapper.

One more thing, I'd have a lot more respect for Danica Patrick if she was true to her word. She hypes up all this shit about how she wants, and deserves, to be respected as a female. Well at best, this leaves her as a hypocrite, because as we see in her advertisements for Godaddy.com and numerous auto care products, she blatantly uses her looks and not her driving skill to garner attention. At worst, this leaves her at a much uglier Anna Kournikova. Don't play the respect card and then turn around and stump for the most disturbing and embarrasing website I've ever seen. And don't expect respect as a woman when you pose half-naked in every magazine you've ever come across.

Maybe this whole essay comes off as harsh, but sometimes the truth is. Danica Patrick is a fraud until proven otherwise. Maybe one day she will have earned her title as a solid race car driver and respectable role-model, but until then she's doing nothing but wasting gasoline and commercial time. There are better drivers than you Danica, and there are prettier faces too. Keep selling the lie, but Young Swole ain't buying.

THE BREW IS BACK

Aussie Open Predictions

The Aussie Open is about to switch into overdrive, with some of the dankest matchups ever seen by man bound to take place. GDB's resident tennis experts Young Swole and Young Knucklers took time out of one of there battles at Cascade Courts to predict the winners of the remaining round of 16 matches and also 2 quarterfinals. Here are our predictions complete with cutting insight and brutally honest analysis.

Sweet 16 Matchups

Rafael Nadal (1) -vs- Fernando Gonzalez (13)

Swole - Nadal. "Gonzo makes errors, Nadal does not."
Knasty - Nadal. "Too much Peezy"

Gilles Simon (6) -vs- Gael Monfils (12)

Swole -Monfils. " Monfils has too much speed and youthful exuberance"
Knasty - Simon. "He is the happier frenchman"

Andy Murray (4) -vs- Fernando Verdasco (14)

Swole - Murray. "Murray is well-rested and is hungry for spanish blood"
Knasty - Murray. "I dont knowwwwwww"

James Blake (9) -vs- Jo-Wilfried Tsonga (5)

Swole - Blake. "Blake is hongry and Tsonga's back condition will hurt him"
Knasty - Blake. "Bigger and Blacker"

Monday's Quarterfinals

Roger Federer (2) -vs- Juan Del Potro (8)

Swole - Federer. "Potro is going to clam up on such a big stage."
Knasty - Federer "Del Potro loves the sticky too much"

Andy Roddick (7) -vs- Novak Djokovic (3)

Swole - Djokovic. "Djokovic advances in an epic 5 set brew battle, then throws a chair"
Knasty - Roddick. "Roddick has the hotter bitch and pleasures him in the sweet spot aka diggity deez nuts"