Dr. Burns Field Report - Lawrence, Kansas

Our good friend and correspondent Dr. Burns made the trip up to Lawrence, Kansas for last week's championship game. Here are her thoughts on one of the greatest games in NCAA history as she saw it go down in Jayhawk Country. This is a week late because she only sobered up yesterday to a point that she could type this......

What do you get when you stick 4 Jayhawk biotches in Lawrence for the national championship game? Below are the random thoughts and outbursts of Dr. Burns and her sidekicks: Arthur, Roteste and Norris.

Pregame:
11:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m. – Dr. Burns and Arthur watch the ESPN commentators hate on Kansas all day. Some choice quotes: "I still believe North Carolina is the better team" and "Kansas played great basketball for 30 minutes against the Tarheels, but Memphis plays great basketball for 40 minutes every game." Burns and Arthur ponder: When did ESPN start perpetually sucking Bobby Knight's nuts? I am fine with his input every now and then, but I am seeing entirely too much of that dude.
5:45 p.m. – Norris rolls into Lawrence after driving straight from Dallas by herself. The rest of the crew is convinced that Norris was driving with a diaper astronaut style to make that good of time.
5:48 p.m. – Burns is pissed to see that Norris broke from the master plan and showed up in a Honda Accord rather than a Ford Windstar. Burns: "How are we supposed to sleep in a van down by the river when you didn't bring the van?"
6:20 p.m. -- Someone mentions that the Reverend Jesse Jackson has been hanging out in the Memphis locker room all week giving the team pep talks. Way to pick a noble cause, Reverend. Sorry, but I would rather get a pep talk from Danny Manning than from Jesse Jackson any day.

First Half:
19:04 – Russ Rob block. Fat guy yells out, "They just got blocked by our shortest player!"
17:55 – Sweet dunk by Darrell Arthur AKA Shady. Recently voted player with the best rapping skills by the rest of the team. Although Swole says the nickname Slim Shady is an insult for a black dude to have, Burns still digs it.
16:39 – Enter Sasha Kahn AKA Mother Russia AKA Jaws from Bond. Burns orders a White Russian to pay her respects.
12:05 – That's 2 on Taggart. Norris starts talking mad shit to no one in particular.
11:33 – Alley-oop and Mother Russia throws it down. Burns imagines Mutombo voice: "Who wants to sex Kahn??!?!"
6:40 – Roy is spotted in the stands wearing a Jayhawk sticker. Burns pictures Hansbrough's bug eyes exploding out of his head upon seeing that.
5:08 – Another Kahn dunk. Whole bar starts chanting, "KAHN! KAHN! KAHN! KAHN!"

Halftime: Kansas 33, Memphis 28
- So Co Lime Shots for all. The blog turns mostly into illegible chickenscratch from here on out. Sorry.

Second Half:
14:00 -- Dorsey keeps getting in Cole Aldrich's face. Way to talk shit to a white guy from Minnesota, Dorsey.
12:25 – "Shouldn't they have Elvis as their mascot?"
9:00 – "That's right, Calipari. Clear off your bench."
2:00 – Memphis up 60-51. FUCK. Burns almost starts crying.
1:54 – Dorsey called for his fourth foul. Random guys screams, "That's right! Take that shit back to the streets!!"
0:03 – SUPER MARIO!!! SUPER MARIO!! SUPER MARIO!!
0:00 – Beer showers galore threaten to ruin the live blog. But quick as ever, Burns shields that shit.


8:10 a.m. – Dr. Burns wakes up to find that she passed out sitting straight up in the front seat of a Honda Accord with Norris sprawled out in the back. Seems like a raw deal until Burns realizes that the car is parked in a random hotel parking lot. Burns immediately moseys inside to hit up the continental breakfast.

5 Important Factors for the Jayhawks Tonight

Saturday was a pretty good night for the Jayhawks. Not only did they win a huge game over UNC, but they also did it against ex-coach and legendary cryer Roy Williams. The icing on the cake is how they turned media darling Tyler Hansbrough into the next Mark Madsen. That game took so much energy out of KU that its going to be a challenge to match the emotional intensity even though tonight's game is for all the marbles. So what are 5 factors that are imperative for Kansas in tonight's game? Lets take a look

1. Stopping Derrick Rose. No player has been as dominant in this tournament as the Chicago-bred freshman. He's been the most athletic player in the tournament as well as the best all-around player in the entire field. Rose has torn up a who's who of point guards as well on the path to the final game including Jamont Gordon, Drew Neitzel, DJ Augustin and Darren Collison. Fortunately for Kansas, they have three awesome perimeter defenders who could possibly contain him. Russell Robinson, Supernintendo Chalmers and Sherron Collins made Tywon Lawson look like Greg Paulus and also shut down the scorching hot Stephen Curry in the Elite 8. They will have to be at their defensive best tonight against Rose, because he is better than anyone they have faced all year. A good sign for Kansas is that their three guards can either go big with Chalmers, play physical with Collins, or match up in speed with Robinson. Maybe the different looks will slow down Rose and get him off his game, because if he dominates like he has lately Memphis is going to be very tough to defeat.

2. Get shots for Brandon Rush. Memphis has played some of the best perimeter defense in the tournament. Where smaller players have withered against the lengthy Tiger defenders, Brandon Rush will have to use his size to get off good shots and provide the Jayhawks with a go-t0-guy on offense. Rush had a really good game against UNC despite his shot not falling, but he will have to both make his shot and penetrate tonight to keep the Memphis defenders honest. Rush has had a tendency to dissapear for long stretches of games, but he cannot do that tonight. Tonight is the reason why he returned to school, he must play like its his last game.

3. Find some inside production. Sasha Kaun and Darrell Arthur have had nice stretches during games, but they have not been consistent enough to get past a team like Memphis tonight. Kansas is going to need an inside presence to keep Joey Dorsey and Robert Dozier honest on defense. If Mother Russia and Arthur can establish inside play and get those guys in some foul trouble, then they will not be able to aggresively help on the penetration of the Jayhawks perimeter players.

4. Control Turnovers. Memphis has been feeding off of the turnovers of their opponents. There is simply no way to stop Derrick Rose and Chris Douglas-Roberts in the open court. And while Kansas has good ball handlers they have a tendency to get out of control. Their mistakes in the open court let UNC make the big comeback and they must be more careful with the ball tonight. The tempo is going to be fast and Memphis will be trying to poke the ball away from dribblers the entire night. If Collins and Robinson are playing out of control and giving the ball away to the Tigers, the Jayhawks might lose by 20.

5. Keep the game close. Kansas is the more veteran team and is battle-tested. If the game is close they get the decided advantage thanks to their ability to go to multiple options and because they are the better free throw shooting team. Its no coincidence that Memphis' only loss, to Tennessee, and their only close game in the tournament, to Mississippi State, occurred when an open-court game turned into a half-court game in the final minutes. While Rose can still create in those situations its much easier to shut down the Tigers because the big guys and Antonio Anderson will not look for their shots. Free throws will probably not be a huge deal because the ball will be in Rose and CDR's hands and they shoot it well, but Calipari is an awful coach in close games as exhibited in his coaching decisions down the stretch in the Tennessee game. While Bill Self is no John Wooden either, I think he's more prepared to keep his team under control and make the right play if its a close game than Calipari is. If its a 2 point game after the under 4 timeout, Kansas will be right where they want to be.

Walkin' in Memphis

Well it looks like the Tigers (or at least one of the dozen teams who call themselves Tigers) are solidly atop the NCAAB rankings. The people to congratulate for John Claipari & Co. reaching the uncontested #1 spot are sleeping in Lawrence, Kansans tonight. Bill Self (the biggest under-achieving coach in NCAAB-ball), shoulda-been-a-Hoosier Darrell Arthur, Mario Chalmers and the rest shat the bed tonight, losing to Kansas State, 84-75.

I guess we should have seen it coming, though. The only baller that truly rivals Eric ("EJ") Gordon in all-out frattitude is one Michael Beasley, who guaranteed TWO victories over perennial Big-12 powerhouse KU this year. True, he might have made this prediction after rubbing Bob Huggins' belly for good luck, but even after the departure of the Huggy-Bear, Beasley and his posse have made good on the promise, or at least 50% of it. But really, after ending the 24-year-old streak of KU victories, who cares if this is the only win K-State scores against its in-state rival this year? If I can tell you one thing for sure, it is that there is going to be a truly gnarly party in Manhattan, KS right now.

Good for you, K.S. Wildcats. I salute you. And Michael Beasley, enjoy this one year of college while it lasts...and enjoy the guaranteed dough that comes with being a #1 overall draft pick. You ONLY contributed 6 boards and 2 assists while scoring 25 points tonight. By willing your team to victory over the Gayhawks, you have assured yourself the loot and the legacy. Enjoy my friend.

P.S. In other news, the Texas Longhorns have lost, ensuring that if the Indiana Hoosiers win at #13 Wisconsin we will move back into the Top 10.