Sausage and butt cheeks don't mix

Kenyon Martin has been sidelined the last 3 games with a staph infection in his buttocks. According to Wikipedia "Staphylococci can grow in foods with relatively low-water activity (such as cheese and salami)." Does this mean that Kenyon Martin got a staph infection because he stuck a summer sausage up his ass? Does this have anything to do with Nene' having a tumor on his testicles? How does Kenyon's Cincinnati "education" play into this series of unfortunate events? There is only one answer to all of these questions...

No Homo

Dead Tree Crew

Not gonna lie. I really miss College. The fine Institution that is Indiana University (aka...a Drinking School with a Basketball Problem) constituted the best 4 years of my life so far. Sure, I didn't study as hard as I could have. Sure, I could have attended more than 5 classes a week. Sure, I could have killed less braincells. But if there's one thing I regret over all other things, it's that I didn't Tailgate more. My senior year, I got to enjoy the crazyness that was IU tailgating during all but one Home Football game (the one I missed was a result of me running into my roomates car and causing 10,000 dollars worth of damage to mine...which wasn't even the most costly accident I've gotten into in my life). It gets bitterly cold in the winter, but I really wish that more people would have gone tailgating during Hoosier Basketball Games. Man, this makes me excited for the Little 500...and it you don't already know what that is...you will understand come April. The point is, tailgating is the shit and my friends and I went all out during those special occasions, but anything you thought you knew about Tailgaters will be blown away after you see the Dead Tree Crew in the video above. Enjoy...and don't worry about the preachy shit in the second half, the man is only trying to hold you down!

Swole/Knucklers Aussie Open Semifinals Picks

So, my picks didn't really go as planned. Unfortunate, but I'll suck it up and hopefully pick better this time around. For the record, my record was 4-4 for the Quarters and Young Swole went 5-3 (and 4-0 in the men's bracket). The two hotties (Sharapova and Ivanovic) are still alive and since Ivanovic had the spotlight in the last post, we will dedicate this one to Maria.

Without further ado, here are the picks for the Semis.

Young Knuckler

Men's Bracket

Federer over Djokovic

Nadal over Tsonga

Women's Bracket

Sharapova over Jankovic

Ivanovic over Hantuchova

Young Swole

Men's Bracket

Djokovic over Federer

Nadal over Tsonga

Women's Bracket

Sharapova over Jankovic

Ivanovic over Hantuchova

From the People Who Brought you Spygate... Presenting: Bootgate!!!

Ok, so unless you are currently retarded, I am sure that you have heard the "late-breaking, stop the presses, oh my lord the Giants might have a chance" news that Tom Brady was seen wearing a walking cast on his foot while heading over to Giselle's for a mid-day romp session (btw, look at the picture. Why is he bringing her flowers? He's Tom Fucking Brady. He should walk over wearing only a trench coat and tell her to feel blessed). The picture was captured via TMZ.com (a site that has about as much dignity and respect from this guy as Britney Spears in a nun house). But I digress...

I just want to know... how is this a big deal?! Anyone else think that Darth Belichick is up to no good? I DO!!! Look at the facts: every single fucking week we get an injury report from Pats camp that the entire team has a sprained this, or a bruised that, or a sandy vag. Why does he do this? To both confuse and psych out the other team (I also think that Bill has a secret hatred for all of us fantasy people, although not nearly as much a vendetta that a certain asshole in Denver does... thanks for takin up that roster spot for me Selvin Young).

Anyways, I would not put it past the team to have been sitting in the locker room after the AFC title game, watching the Giants upset the Pack, Bill getting that fucking look on his face, grabbing Tom to the side, saying "Hey man, let's have some fun with this. Let's make everything THINK that you are sore. I mean, we can't possibly lose this game, so we might as well have a little fun with it". Hell, it wouldn't suprise me if maybe Belichick is trying to make up a little bit of the 500K he lost earlier this season with the "recording device which shall name be named"... -gate. My guess is the Evil One is taking the Pats to cover the sprad, but would like to see that spread come down to a normal level, then he is gonna unleash the wolves on the Giants like he did to the Dolphins, Redskins, Cowboys, and other teams in the first half of the season. Can't you imagine Brady "hobbling" on to the field, maybe falling over a little bit, until after the coin flip and all bets are then off, the Pats winning the toss, and him ripping off the cast, tossing it to Eli, then giving that Golden Boy smirk.

Ok, I might have gone a little off the deep end with that comspiracy theory there, but really, this can't be that big of a deal... could it? I'm not putting anything past pure EVIL! Look at Exhibit A and tell me if you agree.

Bill Clinton Shares Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Dream...Maybe

Whoa this speech is way boring, but his wife is gonna be pissed...

P.S. The speaker is actually Martin Luther King III. Even worse for Big Billy.

Would You Trust This Man To Lead Your Team To A Superbowl Victory?

So, the matchup is set for Superbowl 42 in Arizona. New England and New York will face off in a rematch of their classic Week 17 battle. It was a great weekend for football and the NFL Conference Championships definitely lived up to their billing in my opinion. I'm going to avoid recapping last week's games since everyone knows what went down and it's pretty obvious who the Heros and Goats are. So, let's bask in the Glow of Eli at his finest and prepare for the millions and millions of Brady/Lil Manning stories that will be provided for us by the always "flawless" ESPN. Hey at least, we don't have to hear another story about Old Man Favre. Finally, notice how Eli reps the GDB symbol in this pic. What a true playa.

Dunkin' Donuts

The NBA All-Star Game in New Orleans (free Bullet Proof Vest with your ticket purchase) is just coming up in a little less than a month. Today the Participants for the Dunk Contest were announced and let's just say it's kind of depressing. Here are the Blockbuster names for this year's event: Rudy Gay, Dwight Howard, Gerald Green, and Jamario Moon. It's been said a lot over the past couple of years that the Basketball Classic is dying and that may be true. Is anyone really excited for this? When your most exciting event only has 2 marquee names and 2 other guys that 3/4 of the fanbase has no clue about, you know you're in trouble. People have suggested an Old Timers game with the likes of Michael, Magic, Hakeem, and Kareem. Now that would generate some interest, it would make people reminisce about the good old days when this contest used to mean something. For now we have to disect an event that will be more hype than highlight worthy. Last year's Dunk Contest was pathetic with a mostly unknown Gerald Green winning. Dwight Howard was robbed blind. His sticker dunk was straight nasty (shown above). Both these thugs are back, but can we really expect a step up from last year...doubtful. The creativity has been sucked dry from this thing and the only prescription is more cowbell...errr Lebron. LBJ, you're killing me Smalls. Trying to take down the most freakish athlete in the sport would make this competition fun again. If you really care about improving the ratings of the All-star game, show off your skills in the Dunk Contest. If King James entered, other ballers would be willing to jump on board too. Well, enough of my shameless complaining, let's handicap this Son'vabitch.

ODDSMAKERS
2:1 Dwight Howard- He has the height and proved last year that he at least wants to try to win. I'm hoping that the fact that this was stolen from him last year will light a fire under his ass and he'll somehow spark a fire in this event.
3:1 Rudy Gay- This guy has completely taken off this year. He's got the Air to make this thing interesting and he loves to fire up the crowd (oh wait, there's no fans in Memphis, what am I thinking)
8:1 Gerald Green- The only reason I'm keeping him even in the same galaxy as the other 2 is because he won last year. He didn't deserve it, and that was when he was playing well. This year he has completely fallen off the map in Minnesota and I guarantee he wouldn't be in the field this year if he didn't win last year...wait maybe he would because look who else is in this thing.
15:1 Jamario Moon- This guy makes a great story. It took him 7 odd years to work his way up to the NBA after spending time in leagues from here to Europe. You gotta give him credit for trying, but he's just outclassed here. I hope he doesn't really think he has a chance.

Aussie Aussie Aussie

It's been an outstanding week of Tennis in the Australian Open so far. Some things were predictable like Andy Roddick's Choke job in the 3rd round followed by him acting like a drama queen. I love the guy's insane serve, but he is the Dan Marino of Tennis. He's always near the top, but he can never win the big one. Two days ago featured one of the most exhiliarating 24 hours of matches that I can remember, with heavily favored #1 seed Federer coming within a couple breaks of falling to an unseeded Croat named Tipsarovic. That match lasted 4 and a half hours, and then directly following that was the latest start (and finish) in Aussie Open History at 15 minutes shy of 5 hours between Home Favorite Lleyton Hewitt (who has a ridiculously hot wife and kind of attractive...yet kind of scary body builder sister) and Marcos Baghdatis. My boy Hewitt prevailed in a thriller, only to be downed by 3rd seeded Djokovic in the Round of 16. This field has been the most talented I can remember in recent history and the Quarters are set up to be legendary. This field is also chock full of the most hot female tennis players that I can ever remember. Two of the best are out (Vaidisova, pictured a few days ago by Young Swole, and Kirilenko...no relation to the Utah Jazz Forward who's wife lets him cheat on her once a year) and 2 are still alive (Sharapova and Ivanovic pictured in this post). The Williams sisters are both still alive and could set themselves up to play in the finals...although they have quite a gauntlet yet to overcome. Below are Swole and my Quarterfinals picks, we will make more picks as the days go on so stay tuned.

Young Knuckler's Quarterfinal Picks

Men's Singles

Federer over Blake

Ferrer over Djokovic

Youzhny over Tsonga

Nadal over Nieminen

Women's Singles

Henin over Sharapova

S. Williams over Jankovic

Ivanovic over V. Williams

Hantuchova over Radwanska

Young Swole's Quarterfinal Picks

Men's Singles

Federer over Blake

Djokovic over Ferrer

Tsonga over Youzhny

Nadal over Nieminen

Women's Singles

Henin over Sharapova

S. Williams over Jankovic

V. Williams over Ivanovic

Hantuchova over Radwanska

NBA Weekly Preview

Happy Martin Luther King day all you lovers out there, don't let the haters keep you down. Busy day in the association today, with the traditional full slate of games to honor MLK. This also means a tripleheader on TNT tonight. The schedule of games is pretty shitty, but it also means more time for Charles Barkley to make fun of EJ and Kenny. With that said, lets get down to business.

The Sweet 16

1. Boston 32-6. After back-to-back losses, there was talk of moving the Celtics from the top notch on the list. But the Celtics rebounded against the Blazers and Sixers, and really don't have a tough game until January 31 when Dallas comes to town.

Opponents this week: @NY Knicks, Toronto, Minnesota, @Orlando

2. Phoenix 29-12. Suns move up to the 2nd spot thanks to 3 straight victories and some unrest below them. If they add Damon Stoudamire to back up Steve Nash, they could be even tougher, though Swole thinks they still need another big man to win it all.

Opponents this week: @Milwaukee, @Minnesota, @Cleveland, @Chicago

3. New Orleans 27-12. Face it people, this team isnt going anywhere. And if Chris Paul and David West keep up their play, they may even win their division.

Opponents this week: Milwaukee, Portland, LA Clippers, @San Antonio

4. Dallas 27-12. A quiet week for the Mavs as they only played 2 games. The schedule gets tougher though, they have to play the Lakers, Nuggets and Celtics in the next 2 weeks.

Opponents this week: @Washington, @Charlotte, LA Lakers, Denver

5. Detroit 29-12. Boy is this team stuck in the January doldrums. The whole team looks tired and the bench play has been terrible. But we all know its just a phase and they will turn it around, probably after the all star break.

Opponents this week: @Orlando, @Philadelphia, Orlando

6. San Antonio 25-13. Something just doesnt seem right with the Spurs. Maybe they are just coasting right now, because they know its such a long season, but this team never used to lose a game like they did Thursday night against the Cavs.

Opponents this week: @Charlotte, LA Lakers, @Miami, New Orleans

7. Denver 24-15. KG is my boy and all, but Marcus Camby is playing just as good and no one ever hears about it. If he stays healthy all year and keeps playing like this, he better get some MVP consideration.

Opponents this week: @LA Lakers, Atlanta, New Jersey, @Dallas

8. LA Lakers 26-12. Went 1-1 their first week without Bynum, but they have a brutal week of games, and now Trevor Ariza is hurt too. Time for Kobe to play like an MVP.

Opponents this week: Denver, @San Antonio, @ Dallas, Cleveland

9. Orlando 25-17. Two nice home wins last week. The two games against the Pistons this week will be a good test to see where this team is right now, and how much of a threat they could possibly be in the playoffs.

Opponents this week: Detroit, @Memphis, @Detroit, Boston

10. Portland 24-16. Went 2-2 this week on their road trip. If they can split their last 2 games on the road, then they are in good shape to get some wins on an upcoming homestand.

Opponents this week: @Atlanta, @New Orleans, Houston, Atlanta

11. Golden State 25-17. Baron Davis led the Warriors to a 3-1 week on the road. He is playing like one of the top 5 players in the entire league right now, and Swole thinks this team is even better than the squad that took out the Mavs in the playoffs last year.

Opponents this week: Minnesota, New Jersey, NY Knicks

12. Utah 23-18. The Jazz ran into the Linas Kleiza revelation on Thursday night in Denver, but overall still had a 2-1 week. If this team can play enough defense against the best of the west, they can beat anyone.

Opponents this week: @LA Clippers, Sacramento, @Houston

13. Washington 21-17. The Wiz is playing better without Gilbert Arenas than anyone though they could, Young Swole included. The way they are playing, they are going to be no lower than a 5 seed in the EC Playoffs.

Opponents this week: Dallas, @Cleveland, Memphis, @Milwaukee

14. Cleveland 21-18. Another huge week for King James, and little help from anyone else. Beating San Antonio was impressive, now they have to build on that victory and keep playing that well.

Opponents this week: @Miami, Washington, Phoenix, @LA Lakers

15. Toronto 22-19. An inconsistent week for the Rap Show. Losing to the Sixers is inexcusable for this team, must step it up in Boston on Wednesday to show Swole they still belong on this list.

Opponents this week: @Boston, Milwaukee

16. Houston 21-19. The Rock Show beat the Spurs on Saturday night, and also got T-Mac back. He has to stay healthy if the Rockets want to try and move into playoff contention, without him they simply do not have enough to get there.

Opponents this week: Seattle, @Seattle, @Portland, Utah

Young Swole's Baller of the Week

His Swoleness thought long and hard about giving the award to Baron Davis or Lebron James, but he could simply not ignore the week Gerald Wallace had. His weekly averages were 29pts, 7.7 rebounds, 4.8 assists, 3 steals, 1 block and only 2 turnovers per game. This dude better make the all-star team, he has been straight up ballin this year.

Young Swole's Jackass of the week

This week's award goes to Ben Wallace. Apparently Big Ben was the one mad at Joakim Noah, all because Noah was stealing some of his rebounding opportunities. This guy sure does talk a lot of shit for someone who has done nothing in Chicago other than steal money and live off a past reputation. Maybe its time for Big Ben to take a look in the mirror, realize he needs a fucking haircut, and then also come to grips with the fact that the only difference between him and Bo Outlaw is that he makes a lot more money that he hasn't earned.

5 Games to watch this week

1. Denver @ LA Lakers, Monday 1030pm. A good test for the Lakers to see how they match up against the big and strong Nuggets.

2. LA Lakers @ San Antonio, Tuesday 8pm. The second of a brutal B2B for the Lakers. Will the Spurs break out of their rut and start again to play the basketball we have become so accustomed to?

3. Minnesota @ Boston, Friday 7pm. I wonder how the Big Ticket feels about this one. Swole predicts their is a 100 percent chance the Celtics win by at least 20.

4. New Orleans @ San Antonio, Saturday 8pm. The Hornets are acting like a team that wants to be a title contender. This game in San Antonio will be a good measuring stick to see exactly where CP3 and the rest of his boys match up against the best in the west.

5. Boston @ Orlando, Sunday 330pm. Another up and coming team gets to test itself against one of the premier squads in the NBA. Dwight Howard versus Kevin Garnett is about as good as an individual matchup you will find in this league, get dat popcorn ready O-Town.

Updated Power 10

Lots of shit has gone down since Young Porque posted his NCAA B-Ball Power 10, so how do things shake out now after this huge weekend of upsets?

1. Kansas (18-0). Probably the most solid, well-rounded team of the two unbeatens. Extreme depth. Many threats with Chalmers, now-healthy Rush, Arthur, etc. Not to mention it's much harder to play a Big 12 Schedule than in the CUSA.

P.S.: Just imagine how nasty IU would be if Darrell Arthur had honored his commitment to be a Hoosier. Oh well, if he thinks playing for Sampson is that much worse than Davis, he's probably so stupid that we're better off without him.

2. Memphis (17-0). Yeah yeah, they're undefeated. They also play a bunch of pretenders. Derrick Rose isn't even good enough to be allowed to wash Eric Gordon's jock strap.

3. Tennessee (16-1). Are they they best one-loss team? Maybe. But do they have the best resume of any one-loss teams? Yes. Vandy might be very overrated, but they have still taken care of their business.

4. Duke (15-1). Looked like dogshit earlier in the season, but the real Dookies are starting to show up. I think a lack of Dickie V seriously hurt this team, there was no one around to obnoxiously over-hype them. But now that UNC has been exposed as a team that can't play D, Coach K is pushing his team to show all the haters that the Devils are the true kings of the ACC.

5. North Carolina (18-1). Everybody knew they were probably the weakest undefeated team until Maryland did work against them. Young Hansbrough is still a man amongst boys, but why was he taking the last-second three against the Terps? I'll bet Roy & co. would like to have that shot back, but it isn't exactly curtains for the TarHeels. Look for them to rebound against weaker ACC foes, struggle with Duke (but maybe eek out a win), and go deep in March.

6. Your INDIANA HOOOSIERS (16-1). They're only loss was to a very strong, if inconsistent, Xavier club. They've won 12 in a row, and the Big 10 is the toughest conference to play in, night in and out, especially on the road where it's always hostile as hell. White/Gordon might be...actually IS, the best inside-out combo in the country, and the supporting cast is deep and damn good. Upcoming games against a resurgent UConn, Wisconsin, and Sparty will tell us a lot about how the Hoosiers will fare in March.

7. Michigan State (16-2). Very talented team, despite two losses, including one to Iowa, an opponent that they should be beating. And even though they did have a brutal pre-season loss, this is Tom Izzo we're talking about and his teams always show up to play hard when it counts. They will almost certainly win their next six games before I show up to watch them lose to the Hoosiers in B-town.

8. UCLA (16-2). An hour before they lost their second game of the season, everyone was SURE they were the best one-loss team in the country. Haha. Frankly I hate this team, but they are well-rounded and well-coached, so they are always going to be dangerous.

9. Georgetown (14-2). This team only belongs here on days that Roy Hibbert decides to play. Otherwise, Pat Ewing Jr. isn't really taking this team anywhere.

11 (tie). Washington St. (16-1). I hate to put them here, but they do only have one loss...never mind that they play stinky teams. If they hadn't pulled out a close one against Oregon last night they would have fallen very, very far down.

11 (tie). Wisconsin (15-2). Don't look now but Bo Ryan (aka undisputed master of winning no matter the talent level) has Landry and Flowers playing like two guys named Tucker and Harris. Oh and Bryan Butch is pretty good too.

Extra Chromosomes, Wyle Out, Retarded Kids

Cam'ron's rhyme book has finally hit the web.

http://www.ohword.com/gallery2/691/...hyme-book-found

No Country for Old Men

Well there goes your dream Super Bowl America. Thanks to Brett Favre, there will be no perfect story of the aging gunslinger against the greatest team of all time. Young Swole is expecting the typical excuses for Favre like the cold weather, the Packers wide receivers being bad or the fact that this one game shouldn't outweight what he's done this year. To that, and every other excuse we'll hear in the upcoming days, the Sweezy says fuck that. Brett Favre choked when it mattered.

As much as it would seem that Favre was the key to the Packers success this year, the real reason was Ryan Grant. We saw this today, with the Packer running game being stifled, Favre's weaknesses were once again exposed. Whether it is the fact that he's lost a little bit on his fastball, or that his massive ego still thinks he can make any throw, Favre made two inexcusable mistakes at crucial points in the game. The first one he got away with, when RW McQuarters promptly fumbled the interception return. But to throw a rainbow out-pattern, to a reciever covered, deep in your own territory in overtime is a mortal mistake. Yet for the second straight playoff game that the Packers have been eliminated in, Favre has forgotten that an incomplete pass is better than an intercepted pass. Young Swole remembers the hail mary pass he threw against the Eagles in the 2003 Divisional Playoffs in overtime that gave them the victory. And Young Swole will remember this mistake much more than all the sob stories you will hear about Favre in the next few days, and how it wasn't his fault and someone else deserves the blame more than him. His Swoleness isn't really surprised by this, because its basically been going on for the last 6 years or so, but he thought he should let it be known why the Packers lost a game Lawrence Tynes desperately tried to let them win.

Maybe this will convince Favre to retire, though Swole doubts it. We'll probably see the cycle repeat itself: Packers start fast, Favre appears to be "reborn", Favre garners all the credit that should be equally spread around such players like Ryan Grant, Greg Jennings, Aaron Kampman and Charles Woodson, and then he makes a huge mistake in an important game that costs them the season. For all his glittery statistics, most from over a decade ago, Favre is quickly becoming a quarterback known for his mistakes instead of his past (and Swole means long in the past) accomplishments. Thank you Corey Webster for reminding us that Favre has rode the coat tails of his teammates all year, and saving us from hearing how great he is for 2 weeks, which is exactly how long it would have been before he cost his team in another important game.

san diego SUPER CHARGERS

This is the best video I could find relating to the Chargers/Patriots Game. Sure, it isn't directly relating to the teams playing, but man this guy has better flow than Lil Wayne. Tom Brady and Company should be cowering in fear right about now.

Fight in Packers-Giants NFL game

Fans gettin frisky in the Week 2 game between the Pack and G-Men. Things get interesting about 30 seconds in. Of course the antagonist is wearing  a Brett Favre jersey.  You either love him or hate him and most people here hate him.  I hope we see a few of these brew battles break out tonight to make the game a little more interesting.  By the way, everyone here at GDB picks the Patriots and Packers to meet up in the Super Bowl.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

Because the writers are on strike!

I'm not sure how many of you have noticed, since network television seems to be in the throes of death, but t.v. sucks without the writers. That is, everything except Jay Leno, who is writing his own monologue which happens to be quite a bit funnier than anything his retarded writers ever come up with. This brings me to my larger point, its not the lack of writers that makes t.v. funny, it's just important to have SOMEONE writing shows. I'm sure Conan could write monologues that are funnier than anything his writers could pen, but his stubborn refusal to "do jokes" is killing Late Night. For some reason Conan, whose name is pretty prominently attached to the show (and whose career and viability as Leno's replacement are on the line) would rather go down with the ship by supporting the poor writers than to save his own show by writing his own routines. Don't get me wrong, I think Conan's personality and idiosyncrasies are great, but I can only take so much string-attached-to-hips dance and maniacal faces before I need a few real jokes thrown in. That's what makes Conan's craziness so funny: balance between it, and some real topical humor. His show has lost it's balance, and while Conan could recapture it by writing his own stuff (like Jay), he seems more committed to proving a point by supporting the writers, growing a beard, and acting like Young Knuckler off his meds.

But now let me get to the actual point I wanted to discuss here: how can you tell when a late night talk show is really shitty? When the host is by far the most famous person on the show that night. For example, Conan's guests last night were Poison singer and Rock of Love star Brett Michaels, New York Football Giants LB Antonio Pierce, and some horrible band. Don't get me wrong, plenty of mullet-sporting, Firebird-driving dudes probably love Michaels, but Conan was far and away the biggest name on the stage last night. Oh well, I guess that happens when you go from having month-at-a-time contracts to the heir-apparent of the Late Night T.V. Kingdom. I just hope he can survive long enough to claim the throne. Maybe Mike Tyson can appear on the show next week, or possibly Nadia Comanici, since she's no longer tied up to Celebrity Apprentice.

And how about Carson Daly? Last night his guest was Steve-0 from Jackass. Ok, your guests most famous work came on a movie titled Jackass? Who do you think a hip L.A. club is going to clear out the V.I.P. booth for? The dude who single-handedly reinvented MTV, hosts the world's NYE party, played High School golf against Tiger Woods, and used to date Tara Reid and Jennifer Love-Hewitt? Or a guy with his own picture tattooed on his back that staples his ball-sack to his leg? Yeah, tough call, I know.

A More Palatable Post

I'll try to keep my posts penis free from now on. Although this one does involve a huge dick, it does so in the proverbial sense and not literally.

In case anyone gives a dump about The New American Gladiators, I just thought I should remind the world of the greatness that this show once was. I once saw an episode with a contestant named, and this is not made up, Purple Roundy. Not only was that his name, but he had a wicked curly mullet and a mustache. He looked kinda like my man John Oates, one half of the greatest musical duo of all time (if you were thinking Wham, someone should wake you up before you go-go)




















The chicks on AG are still amazons, although with much less volume in their hair. They could still rip your dick off and throw that shit in the tall grass, never to be seen again. Speaking of throwing penises in the tall grass, Lorena Bobbit lives in the town of Woodbridge, VA which is where I attended three miserable years of high school. The road that police (or random penis finding volunteers?) found John Bobbit's penis on was the Prince William Parkway and I drove on it everyday clutching my area in self-defense.

But this post isn't about the lovely women of AG. Its actually about Malibu, the greatest douchenozzle to ever grace a television screen. Here is Malibu discussing his injury with Mike Adamle (Csonka was the color commentator in case you forgot).

NEWSFLASH: JOHN EDWARDS LOVE CHILD!!!

Binghamton, NY - It was revealed today that Presidential candidate John Edwards, a former U.S. Senator from North Carolina, is the father of T.V. Star and NBC Page, Kenneth Parcell. Parcell is best known for his work in the NBC documentary 30 Rock. It appears to have been revealed by agents of NBC V.P. of Microwave and East Coast Programming Jack Donaghy, who is also a major contributor to the Republican party. His plan to ruin Edwards' campaign, which was already on life-support, seems to have been successful. His spokeswoman released a statement that Edwards was withdrawing from the campaign effective immediately, with a public announcement forthcoming.

The Downfall Of The Cowboys

The original video has been deleted, but check it out at this link.

http://www.megavideo.com/?v=MH4G3O07

Hitler is pretty upset, and rightfully so. His Cowboys blew it again.

I've been Jerking off on Railroads

Not much to do in the lab today for Young Sweezy, so he is going to cover a variety of topics that have crossed my mind lately:

-There is a guy who laughs in the "Lasagna Cat" episodes on Youtube that never fails to crack me up. He sounds like Woody Woodpecker, chuckling machine gun style, and then out of nowhere his laugh tone jumps several notes higher, helping to drive home the hilarity of the comic.

- Young Sweezy can't believe that no one has mentioned how this AFC Championship game is really a battle for safe sex. One on hand, you have Philip Rivers, who preaches abstinence. On the other, you have Tom Brady, who bangs every bitch within eyesight. If Philip wins, will legs close all over America, preventing unwanted pregnancies and the spread of unsightly STD's? Or if Tom Brady wins, will the panties drop at an unpredented rate across America?

- Commando Monday is overrated. Sweezy used to do that up in Chicago, and while on warm days the ball freedom was especially enjoyable, the majority of conditions led to more uncomfortability then should be tolerated.

- This is a fucked up country when a Mormon is considered the least controversial candidate in the upcoming presidential election.

-Young Swole sees no difference in the actions of Tiki Barber and Terrell Owens. Tiki called out his coach (despite that coach saving his career), and basically said his quarterback was worthless. TO questioned his quarterbacks and coaches over the years as well. Both are highly effeminate and questionably bicurious. So why is it that TO constantly gets raked over the coals, and Tiki is still considered a "nice guy". Young Swole for one is glad to see the Giants doing better without him, he was and still is an ungrateful bitch who seeks the spotlight like Young Porque seeks Giordano's Pizza.

- Southern people are total pussies when it comes to weather. Athens is supposed to get 1 inch of snow tonight. 1 inch. And yet newscasters are hyping it up like an ice age is approaching. Isn't half of Georgia inhabited by transplants from up north anyway? Its hard to believe an entire generation of adults can forget how to drive in adverse conditions in a matter of years. Then again most of them are women, who could never drive in the first place.

- Young Swole predicts within a year there will be a severe collision at a major airport in the United States. There are simply too many planes in too small an area, and sooner or later human error is going to cause a catastrophe. Lets hope that this future disaster will make the airlines wise up and eliminate the pointless flights that crowd our skies and pollute our environment.

- Christians are supposed to be the most compassionate people in the world. Yet they are also the most judgmental people on the face of the earth. What is worse? To believe in God and claim to follow what he says yet do the complete opposite of what he tells you to, or to simply not believe in God in the first place?

- Michael Jordan was an extreme asshole to his teammates, constantly insulting and degrading him. Don't you think that at one point along the road, one of his teammates would have punched him the fuck out, or gave him a Dikembe Mutombo elbow as he tried to drive down the lane, just to prove that they weren't going to take all that shit?

- If a Boston sports fan wandered into a forest and died, would anyone care?

- Pac Man Jones enjoys going to strip clubs. Unfortunately for him, things seem to go wrong for him there. Young Sweezy is thinking of mailing him a tape of the MTV Cribs episode where Big Boi showed off his basement strip club aka "The Boom Boom Room.", so that in the future the strip club will come to him. Seriously, if you were one of Pac Man Jeezy's homeboys, living off his football income, wouldn't you just build a strip club in his basement and import some hoes into that piece, to avoid all the problems that happen when he goes out into public?

- And finally, it is a travesty that Roger Federer was not SI's sportsman of the year in 2007. He dominates his sport like no other athlete we have ever seen. He is so good, that he is only newsworthy when he loses. Meanwhile Brett Favre, wins the award before even finishing his season. Sure he has had a solid year, but if excellence was truly rewarded to those who deserved it, he wouldn't have even been in the top 15. Yet just like everything else in life, SI's sportsman of the year is just a popularity contest. True greatness is never rewarded, it is merely considered an afterthought to the more flashy achievements of the select few athletes the media tries to portray to us as somebody we should root for.

Young Swole is off to drink some brews and holler at some young trim, preferably underage.

The Bulls Are Really Pissing Off Their Fans

Question: Can things get worse for the 2007-08 Chicago Bulls?
Answer: Of course when you have a bunch of retards on your team.

Ok, so JamesOn Curry may not actually be playing for the Bulls currently, but he was drafted by them in the second round this year and represents them on the Iowa Energy, Chicago's D-league affiliates. Well, Curry may have pissed away his dreams of jumping up to the Parent Club this season. The Bull's 2007 second round draft was arrested on misdemeanor counts of Public Urination and Resisting arrest while in Boise, Idaho at 2 am yesterday (did your parents see him Young Swole?). You may remember Curry as the star of last year's Oklahoma State team that won one of the best games in College Basketball History, a Triple OT thriller over Texas. Curry actually got recruited to play at UNC, but they revoked the scholarship when they found out that he was selling Marijuana. Curry vowed never to make off-the-court trouble again. "You learn from your mistakes," he said. A suspension is more likely than his release if the Bulls' fact-gathering corroborates police reports. Those state Curry tried to run when approached by a patrol car, then again when the arresting officer exited and identified himself.
According to police, Curry was arrested after entering a hotel and trying to go through a locked door.

Source: The Chicago Tribune

Power Rankings Without Any Care, Knowledge, or Bias (ok, maybe not the last part so much)...

Inspired by my Hoosiers epic match-up last night, I have decided to shed a little light on the college basketball season thus far. I've never really understood the reason why it was always a "Power 16". Why not a "Power 15, or 20". Well, I figured, screw tradition, I'm doing a "Power 10". Why 10? Well, mostly because I am at work and that is all I have time to do.

1.) Memphis Tigers (16-0)

I don't think there is a single team out there that is playing better "team" basketball than the Tigers. Of course, it helps playing in a weaker conference like the C-USA. None the less, this team has consistently come out and proven it belongs at or near the top of all rankings. Keep in mind they handily put away Georgetown and Arizona back to back earlier this season. A big match-up with perennial mid-major power Gonzaga looms to test this team.

Next 3: vs. Southern Miss, @ Tulsa, vs. Gonzaga

2.) Kansas Jayhawks (17-0)

Other than my utter hatred for the ACC (and more specifically, UNC and Duke), I put Kansas in at #2 due more to UNC's recent struggles to squeak out victories. My biggest beef with Kansas is that they really haven't played anyone of merit other than beating an overrated Georgia Tech and USC teams, but a 30 point drubbing of Oklahoma cannot be ignored.

Next 3: @ Missouri, vs. Iowa State, vs. Nebraska

3.) UNC Tarheels (18-0)

When you are undefeated in a "BCS" conference like UNC is, you just can't rank them any lower than another team with 1 loss (as much as I would like to). Still, the Tarheels are starting to look like a vulnerable team, with wins of only 2 points vs. Clemson, 8 vs. UNC-Ashville, and 1 vs. Georgia Tech. I still like this team's chances to win the ACC, but this team needs to step up the defense (which is allowing a paltry 70.7 PPG) in order to continue dominating in the postseason.

Next 3: vs. Maryland, @ Miami, vs. BC

4.) UCLA Bruins (16-1)

This one was actually tougher than it seems, as this begins the barrage of 1 loss teams that could easily claim to be the 4th best team in the land. Look at the facts: their one loss is to a jumpstart Texas team, they have beaten both Michigan State and (more recently) former #5 Washington State, and they are allowing a ridiculous 56.1 PPG. This week will do wonders to determine if they really are the best 1 loss team in the nation.

Next 3: vs. USC, @ Oregon, vs. Oregon State.

5.) Duke Blue Devils (14-1)

Tennessee or Duke? Tennesse or Duke? If I were to base it solely off last night, I would say UT after they vanquished Vanderbilt. However, Duke's single loss came to Pitt (back when they were fully healthy) by 1 point. Now, I hate Duke as much as anyone else, and I think Greg Paulus has far too much sand in his vag to be playing any type of organized sport. But when you look at the overall resume, Duke is consistently taking out the competition, paving the way for another UNC-Duke battle for ACC supremacy (wa-hoo... FUCK DUKE!).

Next 3: vs. Clemson, @ Virginia Tech, @Maryland

6.) Indiana Hoosiers (15-1)

I know in the section for Duke I was between Duke and Tennessee for the 5 spot, so logically, the other would go in the 6 spot. But you know what, I gotta show some love for my Hoosiers (and it's my power rankings). Other than the undefeateds, show me a team that has been hotter than the Hoosiers, winners of 11 straight, and 3 straight on the road in conference play. The Hoosiers are as deep as any team in the nation, playing tight defense and (normally) smart basketball (we are ignoring 24 TOs last night). The biggest negative at this point is the lack of schedule strength that could hurt the Hoosiers in the long run. A lot of questions will be answered in the next few weeks as IU faces a brutal stretch in early Feb.

Next 3: vs. Penn State (WIN), vs. Iowa (WIN), vs. Connecticut (WIN)

Good Lord, I am so biased.

7.) Tennesse Volunteers (15-1)

Them Vols are playing as well as anyone in the country at this point. A nationally televised BEAT DOWN over Vandy last night will do wonders. And the craziest part about it is that they are doing it without spectacular play from Preseason National POY candidate Chris Lofton. The biggest factor playing against the Vols in these rankings? I bleed Cream and Crimson, not Orange and White. Sorry Tennesse fans.

Next 3: vs. Ohio State, @ Kentucky, vs. Georgia

8.) Washington State Cougars (15-1)

Let's talk about defense. If defense wins championships, than WSU has the title within their grasps. Allowing a dismal 52.1 PPG, this team has been the definition of defensive basketball. I'm sorry, what did you say? Their schedule has been softer than Greg Paulus (I hate that little bitch), complete with a tough two game tour of Idaho (Idaho and Idaho State) and playing more teams with A&T, State, West/East/Northen than schools in the south, this team still has a lot to prove to be considered "elite". They have the chance to do it this week with a rough conference schedule.

Next 3: vs. Oregon, @ Arizona, @ Arizona State

9.) Michigan State Spartans (15-2)

Oh Sparty, what can I say about you. If you were to ask me a week ago who I thought would win the Big 10, I'll be honest, I would have said MSU. Their lone loss was to UCLA in a close, well fought game. Fast forward to now, and I believe that Linas Kleiza scored more points last night for the Denver Nuggets than the Spartans scored against Iowa as a team. I understand it was a conference game, but you cannot expect to succeed in the Big 10 or the NCAA putting up paltry performances like that. I am willing to let it slide for now, mostly out of respect for Tom Izzo and the Izzone, but I need to see some dominating perforamance before I am sold on the Spartans again.

Next 3: @ Minnesota, @ Northwestern, vs. Michigan

10.) Georgetown Hoyas (13-2)

So Georgetown only has two losses, both of which coming to ranked and very good opponents (Memphis and Pitt). So this team is playing at an obviously very high level, right? Uhhh... maybe? Their next toughest opponent would be UConn, where they barely scrapped by with a W. Other than that, they have beaten the likes of American, Radford, Fairfield, and William and Mary. So why am I still giving them the 10 spot? Because I think it is only a matter of time before Mr. Roy Hibbert comes out of his shell and starts dominating the boards.

Next 3: vs. Notre Dame, vs. Syracuse, @ West Virginia

Also receiving votes/respect: Pittsburgh, Texas, the UGA Football team and Knowshon Moreno, Wisconsin, and my ability to drink 3/4 of a bottle of Jim Beam last night and still make it to work on time

Not receiving any votes/respect: Butler (losing to Cleveland St.), Bruce Pearl (and his orange jacket - love the color orange, just not in a jacket), the UGA Basketball team, and Young Knuckleballer

Let the Misc. Begin

I would like to begin my bloggage by asking "does this blog make me look fat?" This is the place where my emo tears will surely fall on my laptop as I explore what its like being 14 and being the only girl in my school who likes Manson and has black hair and one of those multi-colored necklaces that spells "despair". Because I hate those preppy bitches at PE, always making fun of me because I don't dress out; for one thing, fuck PE and for another my 60 inch raver pants won't fit into my locker so really, fuck you Valerie!!!!!

Seriously though, I got this email today that I thought I should share with you fellers. It included the following pictures with the headline "little details that ruin your photos". If you've seen this before, exqueese me.




















Who doesn't take pictures of Mr. Bigglesworth in front of a window while wearing no pants? 

Boom Goes the Dynamite

How can Purdue be the best school in Indiana when Ball State has "Boom Goes the Dynamite"?! Possibly the worst sportscast of all-time. Add glasses and he's McLovin'. Stick it out till the ending. Pure Gold!

What is the Policy on Regifting Crap?

The NBA announced their list of its best-selling jerseys during the holiday season at its flagship store in New York City, as well as on NBAStore.com.

The list seems typical at first glance. Kevin Garnett is first, Kobe Bryant slipped to two, and then the usual big names like Allen Iverson, Steve Nash, Lebron James, and the like follow.

Upon further review, there is a problem. Go ahead and click the link. Now scroll down to number 9. I'll wait...

Got it?

No, you're eyes aren't being deceived.

The number 9 spot belongs to... Stephon Marbury?!?!?! Does he still play in the NBA???

That's right, the self proclaimed "greatest point guard in the NBA", in a season amidst throwing punches with Isiah Thomas, not showing up for games, blackmailing his coach, and more or less slipping through the cracks of basketball mediocrity, was able to outsell stars like Carmelo Anthony, Kevin Durant, Paul Pierce, and Tracy McGrady (aren't there like 1 billion people in China? No love for Yao or T Mac).

I guess they took into account all the jersey's Starbury bought himself. Bet I know what everyone in the Marbury family got for Christmas this year!

"Awww man, another Marbury jersey?"

"Yes, but this one is a road jersey!"

BLASPHEMY!!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen of the civilized world, an article was recently published by Sports Illustrated: On Campus that could easily be described as the most disgusting and shameful list of lies and perversion in the history of mankind. Except it is worse than that. Read the filthy thing here: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/sioncampus/01/14/road.trip.purdue/index.html

That probably took you about an hour because you had to run to the toilet and puke your guts out a half-dozen times. Let's examine a few of the outrageous assertions this "story" makes, then talk about how terrible and untrue they are.

1. "Purdue is the best college in Indiana and one of the top universities in the nation." OK I won't pretend that IU is the Harvard of the Midwest, but SI says this about Purdue even after mentioning Notre Dame, clearly the finest academic institution in the state. True fact.

2. "Best Place to Watch a Game: Buffalo Wild Wings" Ha ha ha...this would be funny if it wasn't so sad. You go to a BIG TEN institution and the best place in town you can go to watch a game is some B-Dubs probably built eight months ago that has too many fluorescent lights. There are at least two-dozen places in Bloomington that are better than B-Dubs. And sometimes I don't even mind B-Dubs. Just not for a big college game in the town where the college you're rooting for is located.

3. "Best Pizza: Mad Mushroom" Again, funny if it wasn't so sadly pathetic. There's Mad Mushrooms in Bloomington and while their cheese bread is probably the best thing you can imagine when it's four a.m. and your wasted, I don't know anyone that would touch their pizza with a ten foot pole. Didn't even know they made pizza, actually. And again, there are at least a dozen places in Bloomington that serve way better pizza. Homeless people don't even eat Mad Mushroom.

4. "Best Sports Team Nobody Talks About: Girls Golf" Is that the best you can do? Girls golf? They've never even won a NCAA Championship for cryin' out loud!! If this were IU we were talking about, you could look at the Soccer team (which is huge but still always overshadowed by basketball), Women's Tennis, and Swimming. All are wildly successful yet very under-the-radar.

5. Their Fight Song "Hail Purdue" is "the best collegiate fight song in the nation, hands down." This is where you should start to be realizing the dude that wrote this is a meth head. What about "Hail to the Victors" or the Notre Dame Victory March? There are so many more songs worthy of that title, it boggles my mind.

6. "with Purdue leading both sports' series records (107-83 basketball, 68-36-6 football), some wonder why Purdue calls it a rivalry. Aren't they supposed to be a lot closer? Guess not."

ARRRGHHHHHH. Those are fighting words!! How can there be a rivalry when FIVE NCAA banners hang in Assembly Hall and wherever the hell the Boilermakers play is EMPTY!! Nobody remembers the regular season, it's all about those championships. Pop bottles.

7. "Best Place to Study: John Hicks Undergraduate Memorial Library"

Thank you Captain Obvious.


8. "Best Spring Event: Gran Prix: An annual event that started back in 1958, this 50-mile, 160 lap go-kart race that happens every April is a lot better than Indiana University's boring bicycle race."

OK That is IT!!! Let's go burn West Lafayette TO THE GROUND!!!

Three's Company

The Republican Party is finding itself with the third winner in as many primaries tonight, as Mitt Romney has rejoined the GOP race for the White House. By winning his first state of the primary season, Romney's campaign, deflated after a loss in New Hampshire, now has fresh wind in its sails. Romney's win is a setback for Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), who hoped to carry the momentum he won last week in New Hampshire into Michigan, a state where he beat George Bush in the 2000 Republican primary. But the state was Romney's to lose, considering he was born and raised here, not to mention his father was once the state's governor. Plus Romney, sensing his candidacy was teetering on the brink of collapse, diverted resources from the next primary states, like South Carolina and Florida, to get a W in Michigan that would reinvigorate his campaign.

So what now for the Republicans? No one has emerged as a favorite, and a couple of very viable candidates have yet to win a primary.

For Romney, his win-or-go-home strategy in Michigan has to play out like he is hoping it will, with the momentum of victory making up for pulling money and resources out of the next primary locations. I'm not sure he can outright win any of those, but strong second or third-place finishes will keep him in the hunt right through Super Tuesday on February 5th, when 28 states hold their primaries, and where he could win enough states to keep campaigning or possibly emerge as the front-runner. And since he is the only candidate that has committed any kind of time or resources to Nevada, he should score an easy win there.

Although John McCain has a New Hampshire win under his belt, he has to be disappointed not to win Michigan. He did win it in 2000, and Michigan is a state that allows anyone, even registered democrats, to vote, so many people predicted independents and democrats would cross over and, since they supposedly favor McCain, would help him claim victory. That doesn't appear to have happened, however. The reason for this is unclear: Is McCain's popularity with non-Republicans overblown? Or was the impact they would possibly have on the results what was overestimated? Either way, McCain polls well in the next primary states, and is still very much a factor. The funny thing is that his campaign was all but dead this past summer, with staffers being fired or quitting by the bus load, and the donations trickling to a near halt. Fortunately for him, the campaigning starts about twenty years before the actual voting so he had plenty of time to pick himself up and start again.

Oh Mike Huckabee where art thou? The man who captured the hearts and souls of conservative, Christian America hasn't gone anywhere, I assure you. A guy who nobody took seriously three months ago has finished third in the last two primaries, states where he didn't campaign very much until he won Iowa and realized he actually had a shot at this thing. And guess what state holds the next primary? South Carolina, aka the conservative, Christian ex-minister candidate's dream state. It remains to be seen what, if any, effect the Michigan results will have on the poll numbers, but Huckabee looks to have a very legit shot to win in South Carolina, which coupled with any type of showing in Florida or Nevada means the sky is the limit for the Huckster.

Oh and by the way there are two more candidates that people might have forgotten about: Rudy Giuliani, who had all but won this thing a couple months ago, and Fred "Droopy Dog" Thompson, who is as committed to running for President as I am to visiting a vegetarian all-you-can-eat buffet, yet still has a presence in the polls and support that cannot be overlooked.

It's true that Giuliani only received three votes in Iowa, and didn't finish strong in either of the last two contests, but this is because he has been focusing on Florida, a delegate-rich state that is right before Super Tuesday. A win there is worth as much two of the previous primaries combined, and showing up big there puts him right in the national spotlight before the most important day of the year for these guys (except the two that have another election to look forward to in November). Rudy also stands to benefit in states that allow all voters, not just Republicans, to vote. He is the most liberal Republican left, so voters that want a strong national defense candidate, maybe a tax cut or two, but still favor abortion and Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, will have a very attractive option. Look for him to re-enter the conversation in Nevada.

And as for Fred Thompson, what the heck is this guy's deal? He seems to have all the energy and enthusiasm of a couple of my former roommates who reside on Fat Boy Blvd. His campaign schedule in Michigan forthe days leading up to the primary was about as empty as Wesley Snipes' piggybank, considering his opponents were putting in 20-hour days. But he still has a shred of hope in South Carolina, a state that shares many of his opinions, especially those favoring slow-paced living. So a surprise win there, or possibly even a strong second place finish, could resurrect his campaign. But I very seriously doubt that.

Interesting Side Note: Not many people talk about Ron Paul, but the guy is still raking in crazy amounts of cash, mostly through the internet. This libertarian-in-republican's clothing has rejected the idea of doing so, for now, but if he were to run as a third-party candidate he could be very dangerous to the Republican party. As someone who is very strongly opposed to immigration, hates taxes, and yet openly opposes the war in Iraq, he could siphon off precious votes that will be needed badly for the Republican candidate hoping to defeat Barack or Hillary.

NBA Power Rankings

Big week in the Association, lets take a look and see how the teams size up.

THE SWEET 16

1. Boston. 30-5. A rough week for the men in green after last Saturday's triumphant win in Detroit. Despite 2 weak losses, Boston still has by far the best record in the league and should get 3 wins this week.
Opponents this week: Washington, Portland, Philly

2. Detroit. 28-10. The East's other big team lost an awful game to the Knicks, but they players admitted they had nothing left in the tank after taking on 3 premier opponents in 5 days. Opponents this week: Toronto, Sacramento, @Chicago

3. Dallas. 26-11. Mavs have quietly won 7 straight, and are moving up in the West thanks to major injuries to their main rivals. Mavs play a lot of Eastern Conference teams in the next few weeks and could really go on a run.
Opponents this week: @Sacramento, Seattle

4. San Antonio. 24-11. Spurs have been mediocre lately, mostly because of injuries to their big 3. Now all are playing again, so expect them to find their groove again soon.
Opponents this week: Philly, Cleveland, @Houston

5. Phoenix. 26-11. Suns won 3 out of 4 last week even without Grant Hill, Steve Nash and Shawn Marion in some of the games. Maybe the injuries will force more bench players to get involved, especially Boris Diaw.
Opponents this week: @LA Clippers, @ LA Lakers, Minnesota, New Jersey

6. Denver. 22-13. A team really starting to find its identity. If they can find consistent point guard play, the Nugs could really make a push for the NBA finals in a wide open Western Conference.
Opponents this week: @Charlotte, @Atlanta, Utah, Minnesota

7. New Orleans. 25-12. Hornets have won 10 and their last 12 and play 7 of their next games at home. Could they possibly have the West's best record at the end of this stretch?
Opponents this week: Seattle, Charlotte

8. LA Lakers. 25-11. If Andrew Bynum wasn't going to be out for the next 8 weeks, this team would probably be in the top 3. They have been playing the best hoops in the NBA the past month.
Opponents this week: @Seattle, Phoenix

9. Portland. 22-13. In the midst of a huge eastern road trip. Its imperative for the Blazers to survive this trip without losing the position they've worked so hard to achieve
Opponents this week: @New Jersey, @Boston, @Miami, @Orlando

10. Orlando. 23-16 The Magic Bus really needs Jameer Nelson to play like he did the first month of the season. They can look awful if they point guard play isnt productive.
Opponents this week: Chicago, @Charlotte, Portland

11. Golden State. 22-16. Another western squad on a big east coast trip. Monta Ellis is really beginning to step up his game which could make a huge difference for the Warriors in their playoff push.
Opponents this week: @Minnesota, @Indiana, @Chicago, @Milwaukee

12. Utah. 21-17. Jazz getting back into the groove, having won 5 of their last 6. Thursday's night game against Denver is a huge battle to see who will win the Northwest Division
Opponents this week: Milwaukee, @Denver, LA Clippers

13. Toronto. 20-17. Raptors got pounded at home by 16 to the Pistons 2 weeks ago, lets see if they can play any better Monday night in the Palace.
Opponents this week: @Detroit, Sacramento, Atlanta, @Philly

14. Cleveland. 19-18. Lebron was caught driving his ride 101 mph this weekend. He didn't get a ticket because he told the cops he was trying to get away from Damon Jones.
Opponents this week: @Memphis, @San Antonio

15. New Jersey. 18-18. The Nets finally seem to be rounding into form, about 2 months after everyone thought they would. Jason Kidd still keeps fucking around and getting triple doubles.
Opponents this week: Portland, NY Knicks, @LA Clippers, @Phoenix

16. Washington. 19-16. The Wiz is still surviving admirably without Gilbert Arenas. Win over Boston on Saturday could be a huge confidence builder going forward.
Opponents this week: @Boston, @NY Knicks, NY Knicks

Young Swole's Player of the Week

Chris Bosh not only makes the best commercials since Charles Barkley pimped it for Right Guard, but he's also showing that he deserves to be a big part of the Eastern Conference All-Star team with his play as of late. Bosh averaged over 30 points and 10 rebounds to help lead the Raptors to a 3-0 record for the week.

Young Swole's Jackass of the Week

To the TV executive at ESPN who decided that America still wants to see the Miami Heat play twice a week. Young Swole would rather watch The Sound of Music, in German, than watch this god-awful team play. Its not like we were forced to watch the Bulls play once they turned awful, so why should the Heat be on television when they've lost 8 straight games and have a worse record than the New York Knicks?

5 Big Games this week

1. Utah at Denver, Thursday. Both teams playing good basketball in the west play for divisional supremacy as well as playoff positioning.

2. Phoenix at LA Lakers, Thursday. The Lakers have dominated the Suns in their two meetings so far this season. Thursday night's game will be a good test to see how the Lakers will play without Bynum in the middle.

3. Toronto at Detroit, Monday. Chris Bosh and Rasheed Wallace match up in a battle of 2 of the best power forwards in the league today. Can the Pistons bounce back from their awful performance in New York last night?

4. Portland at Orlando, Saturday. Two of the most exciting, up and coming teams in the league face off in central florida. Brandon Roy and Dwight Howard will probably be matching up in the finals before too long.

5. Golden State at Indiana. A hidden gem for all the NBA fans like Young Swole who love to watch teams who run and gun all night long. Early Prediction, Warriors 131-127.

Nicole Vaidisova is one bad bitch

Terrell Owens Crying

Wow. This is a huge turnaround for TO. Was it real? It's tough to say, but at least he's not pointing the finger. Either way, what a blubbering baby. This is the biggest drama queen in all of sports.

NFL Playoffs Round Two Recap

What an outstanding weekend of Football. Those were some excellent games and this post-season is turning out to be one of the most exciting ones in recent memory. Before we recap the games, let's take a look at the GDB Pick'em results.

Young Knuckleballer- 3/4 correct
Young Swole- 2/4
Young Cicero- 2/4
Young Porque- 2/4

So, the only game that was picked differently (the Giants game by me) turned out to be the swing match. It's nice to get that one right after getting last in Round 1. Alright, onto the Recap.

Packers 42 vs. Seahawks 20

Game-Changing Play...When Ryan Grant decided to start hanging onto the ball and scored his first touchdown. The Seahawks jumped out to a 14-0 lead after Grant fumbled twice in the first quarter, but once Grant got used to the big stage and the snow globe at Lambeau Field, he and the Packers took over the game and scored 3 Touchdowns in a row.
It was over When...Grant got his second TD of the game and put the pack up 11 right before the half...Seattle would get no closer.
Goat of the Game...Sean Alexander. What happened to this guy. He was dominant last year and before that just two years ago had 27 TD's in 2005 (then a record). This year he had only found paydirt 4 times during the regular season and once (plus just 66 yards) in two post-season games.
Hero of the Game...Gotta give it to Grant. The Rookie RB finished with 3 TD's and 201 rushing yards! He is an even bigger out of nowhere surprise this year than MJD was last season. Brett Favre also had 3 Endzone strikes, but he only had 174 yards through the air. How often does a RB get more yards than his QB?
Final Thoughts...This was the most lop-sided game in the entire second round and a big part of that was the fact that Seattle was the worst team left. After the Pack gave them gifts early on, they just couldn't hang. The Seahawks have never allowed this many points in the postseason, but then again Green Bay is just firing on all cylinders right now and may be the second best team left.

Patriots 31 vs. Jaguars 20

Game-Changing Play...The game was tied after half-time, but the Patriots broke it when Tom Brady basically had an eternity to find Wes Welker in the end zone to put New England up 21-14. Jax wouldn't get within four points the rest of the game.
It was over when...Kicker Stephen Gostkowski nailed his only Field Goal of the game midway through the 4th from 35 out to put the Pats up 2 possessions. Jacksonville couldn't mount anything after that.
Goat of the Game...I'm torn between a couple people. I can't say Garrard, because he fought valiantly and played much better than he did against the Steelers last week. The defense wasn't great, but then again, who is against the Patriots. I'll go with the running game. Specifically, Fred Taylor. MJD wasn't great, but he didn't have enough opportunities on the ground and he was moderately effective as a receiver. For the Jags to win this game, they needed Taylor to have a Pro-Bowl like performance. It didn't happen. He rushed for just 47 yards on 13 carries with no Touchdowns. At least he gets to go to Hawaii as an alternate. I still like the guy, he just didn't step up when it mattered most.
Hero of the Game...Surprise, Surprise. Tom Brady. The Golden Boy. How can this guy not win this award. He was invincible. The man only misfired on 2 passes all night! He started the game 16/16 (a single game post-season record) and He broke Phil Simms' single game playoff record for completion percentage by finishing 26/28. The 262 yards were pedestrian for him, but I'm not complaining about the 3 TD's and no INT's. He's gotta keep this up, but I don't see how anyone can deny that this is the single greatest season for a Quarterback EVER if he wins a Super Bowl.
Final Thoughts...The Jaguars put up a valiant effort, but c'mon you can't stop these Pats. Ever see that movie "Angels in the Outfield". There was a sequel called "Angels in the Endzone". I'm pretty sure this New England team has angels working for them because I can't explain it any other way. By the way, where the hell was Randy Moss today? Smoking the green with Sticky Icky Ricky or something. 1 catch for 14 yards, now that's just pathetic. Luckily his cohorts picked up the slack. Props to Ben Watson for his 2 TD's.

San Diego 28 @ Indianapolis 24

Game-Changing Play/It was over when...Billy Fucking Volek snuck into the endzone for the game winner with under 5 minutes to play in the game. Peyton and company couldn't get back on the board in two drives after that.
Goat of the Game...Joseph Addai. He was horrible today. Part of that could be blamed on injury, but he was just boo-urns all game. Addai couldn't break tackles, and really put a strain on the passing game. The Goat Play of the game might go to Marvin Harrison who had a 30 yard catch that was ruined by a fumble lost when he tried to spin. The momentum completely shifted San Diego's way, and instead of going up 14-0, they found themselves tied.
Hero of the Game...Antonio Cromartie. He had an Interception that should have resulted in a touchdown just before the half if not for a bogus holding play that negated the run back and a fumble recovery. On top of that, Manning had to avoid his side of the field because Cromartie is such a dangerous presence. This guy has become the best Defensive player in football this year. He has 11 picks on the season and he is scary Mofo.
Final Thoughts...Talk about a shocker. My colleagues and I all thought the Colts would absolutely lay the smack down on the league bitches known as the Chargers. Unbelievably, multiple things happened to ensure a San Diego victory today. First of all, Addai didn't show up. That's already been established, but on top of that, the defense was very weak on Indy's end. The Colts D had been daunting all year, ranking near the top of the league in most categories, but today the Chargers had their way...with backups no less. That was the most unbelievable thing. No Phillip Rivers, No LT, no problem. Volek was mediocre, but Darren Sproles and Michael "The Burner" Turner both stepped up admirable in place of Tomlinson. Sproles had a wicked good run down the sidelines for a touchdown...he is the Speedy Gonzalez of San Diego. I also agree with Cicero, Rivers has no class. I'd love to see him get his ass kicked...and he will soon enough when the Pats linebackers crush him like a bug next week. He isn't going to be able to shit right for a month (i stole that from Bad Santa). One more thing, everybody was pissed that Marti Schottenheimer got fired when he lost last year in their playoff opener, and Norv Turner was getting mad shit for slacking early this year, but now he's won 2 playoff games. Maybe Chargers GM A.J. Smith made the right call. Seriously though, the Chargers have no chance of competing in that game next week.

New York Giants 21 @ Dallas 17

Game-Changing Play...Brandon Jacobs rumbled in for a TD from 1 yard out to put the Giants up by 4 at the beginning of the 4th quarter and proceeded to disrespect the home crowd by throwing the ball off the Play Clock. What an angry man. Last week he growled at Tampa Bay Fans after scoring his second TD of the game. That guy has anger management issues, but hey, if he keeps scoring, fans won't complain.
It was over When...Tony Romo threw a pick in the end-zone with 15 seconds left in the game from 25 yards out. This was a nail-biter of a game that went right down to the wire.
Goat of the Game...Romo. He has yet to prove that he can step up in big games. He's similar to A-rod. Awesome in the regular season and a bum in the post-season (although Romo has to do this consistently for many more years before he can be on R0driguez' level). He only had 1 Touchdown pass, but you gotta fault some of his receivers for key drops like Patrick Crayton's bumble midway through the 4th that could have put them into Giants territory. It doesn't matter though, Romo is a...you know what.
Hero of the Game...Eliiiiiiii. Wow, 2 weeks in a row for Manning? Who would have thought that there would be a Manning in the Conference Championship game and it wouldn't be Peyton. The younger brother threw 2 TD's (both to Amani Toomer...the first one was a spectacular run after catch by the old geezer) and once again NO INT's. In fact, until the last play of the game, there were no Turnovers at all in the contest. Eli didn't do anything spectacular, but he did limit his mistakes which is something he hasn't been able to do in the past.
Final Thoughts...Who saw this one coming?? Oh yeah, me!! If you want, you can read my "Alone on a Giant Island" article if you haven't already. I wrote it on Saturday and discussed why I thought the G-men were gonna win this game. The Fools out there are going to bring up "jessica simpson and mexico, etc.", but Romo said it himself earlier in the week. "If we lose this game, it has nothing to do with me taking a trip or any of that stuff, it will be because they played the better game." That's pretty much dead-on. They were outplayed. Both of the other contests between these two squads were close this year, with Dallas coming out on top in both regular season games. The breaks just fell right for the New York Football Giants in this one, and they move on to play the Pack which should be a highly entertaining game in Lambeau next Sunday.

They Blinded Me With Science

I seriously doubt that I was the only one who was blinded by the science of the Indianapolis Colts offense. Somehow the temporary blindness of Manning's insane arm and array of receiving threats convinced me that they wouldn't lose to the team that was the most poised to pull off the upset this weekend. San Diego already beat Indy this year one time. And sure it happened right after the Colts' close loss to the Juggernaut known as the Patriots, but don't teams that lose close ones usually have huge bounce-back games? Aren't the Bolts, featuring the same cast of characters that beat them today, the squad that spoiled Indy's run at perfection two years ago, sending them from 13-0 to 13-1? We should have seen it coming. But we didn't. We were blinded by the scientific insanity of Peyton's arm, which still managed to shock and awe me even on their last two drives, just throwing bullet after bullet. But it was those other parts, that I assumed would do enough to win, that let Indy down: the Running game (aka Joseph Addai) and the Defense. The Chargers punted only three times, and Addai ran for exactly forty-three yards. Meanwhile, Billy Volek looked exactly how a backup QB should today: Slow and steady, which always wins the race, not to mention very mistake-free. And even without LT, the man-bear known as Michael Turner punished Indy's front four to milk the clock, gain easy first downs, and keep SD away from dangerous 3rd-and-long situations where Volek and certainly Rivers would have made costly mistakes. Speaking of Rivers, what in the hell is this guy's problem? Did anyone else see him running up to, and showboating in front of, some Indy fans when the clock ran out? Wow that guy is mediocre at best AND has no class. But we didn't see that...we were blinded by an illusion. Congrats to New England, the Lombardi Trophy is all but yours.

There's A New Sheriff In Town

And that Sheriff is the Indiana Hoosiers. Sure, we here at GDB (at least Porque, Cicero, and I) pimp IU on a regular basis, but now it's time to get serious. After Michigan State was upset 43-36 yesterday by lowly Iowa (they tied their low point total in school history), the Hoosiers have moved into the driver's seat in the Big 10. Now I know a lot of haters like to point out how the Big 10 is weak this year...but they say that every year. And Every year, the Big 10 has 2 teams in the Sweet Sixteen. The point is, Indiana has been playing great basketball lately, albeit against weak competition. When IU hosts Illinois today, Eric Gordon is going to make them cry like babies and wish that they had been grimier in trying to keep him. Indiana has a tough stretch coming up starting on January 26 when they host UConn, and from there they go to Wisconsin, Illinois, Ohio State, and then host MSU and Wisconsin in a 2 and a half week span. If IU can get through that gauntlet with 2 losses or less they are well on their way to a top 3 seed in the NCAA tournament. Book it baby.