Deconstructing Danica

Later this week, Danica Patrick is going to race in a Nascar Race at Daytona. (Well not a real Nascar race, just a Nationwide race). This has become THE big story in auto racing, as it is seen as a great step forward for women. However, once you peel away all the politically correct bullshit that will undoubtedly be spun, all you are left with is a hollow story about a bad driver with nothing more than a (sort-of) pretty face.

If Danica Patrick's racing career in one word, it would be dissapointment. For a while it seemed like she might actually be everything she claimed to be: the first female driver in American auto racing history who could actually be legitimately competitive on a consistent basis. Then, we all found out that she sucked. Despite racing in some of the best equipment in the IRL and having a built-in advantage of weighing significantly less than her fellow competitors (which would theoretically make her car go faster), she was an also-ran. Even her well publicized victory in Japan was more a factor of luck than skill. Danica didn't really win the race, she just had the good fortune of the best cars running out of gas ahead of her. She had about the same success of her much less-heralded female competitors Milka Duno and Sara Fisher even with all of her built-in advantages. In other words, she was the IRL's Dick Trickle.

Now she's basically getting a free opportunity in NASCAR to try and force us to respect her, simply because she's a woman driving a car. Look, I have no problem with her racing, my problem is with her getting chance after chance to prove something that she is not, basically worthy of our respect and of her lofty stature in our society. She has never been anything more than a glorified novelty act her entire career.

Now all of the feminine drones out there will probably scream that I am misogynistic, but nothing could be further from the truth. I'd be totally cool with her getting attention and accolades IF SHE HAD ACTUALLY EARNED IT. If she goes out and dominates this Nationwide Series and eventually becomes a solid competitor in NASCAR then I will be happy for her, but don't try to make me eat a turd sandwich by hiding it in a Five Guys wrapper.

One more thing, I'd have a lot more respect for Danica Patrick if she was true to her word. She hypes up all this shit about how she wants, and deserves, to be respected as a female. Well at best, this leaves her as a hypocrite, because as we see in her advertisements for Godaddy.com and numerous auto care products, she blatantly uses her looks and not her driving skill to garner attention. At worst, this leaves her at a much uglier Anna Kournikova. Don't play the respect card and then turn around and stump for the most disturbing and embarrasing website I've ever seen. And don't expect respect as a woman when you pose half-naked in every magazine you've ever come across.

Maybe this whole essay comes off as harsh, but sometimes the truth is. Danica Patrick is a fraud until proven otherwise. Maybe one day she will have earned her title as a solid race car driver and respectable role-model, but until then she's doing nothing but wasting gasoline and commercial time. There are better drivers than you Danica, and there are prettier faces too. Keep selling the lie, but Young Swole ain't buying.