Saturday, February 9, 2008

Spam Poetry

I keep getting these bizarre spam emails that have totally ridiculous non-sequiturs all over the place. this is the exact text as it appeared in my inbox

On by sheep, and with the largest and reddest on my knees
with a dustpan and brush?' cherry a she. There's a she somewhere
dodging about in only, but from our very hearts. Allow us
then set in a small oval pale face. With such coloring,
and an elevation of sentiment and mind extremely pretty
little smile, and he, having returned to going into this
with my eyes closed. I am not by the want of it. Judge men
by what they do, of protection, and gave him just sufficient
courage pebble, which had been used for grinding it, the
shoulders but did not answer. He 'there is one so you will
have to stir your precious self, responded that made sydney
cry, you are not hurt? That snag hat with solemnity and
moved away. And joe's never.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Signing Day Wrap-up

Yesterday was one of the biggest days on the college football schedule. So much happened on signing day that its time to catch up on the course of events, and look at what it means for the future of college football. Here's 5 important observations from Signing Day.

1. Southern football keeps getting stronger and stronger. With 3 teams from the ACC and 4 teams from the SEC in the top 12 of both the Scouts.Inc and ratings, the southern teams just keep on reloading at the expense of the rest of the nation. SEC lynchpins Florida, Georgia and LSU are joined by Nick Saban's Alabama, and Clemson joins FSU and Miami among the best recruiting classes in the nation. Half of the SEC teams were in the Top 25 recruiting classes, and that doesn't even count a Tennesee team who had a top-3 class last year and an Arkansas squad who went through a tough coaching change.

2. The usual suspects stay near the top. While in some years there will be a shock team that rises to near the top of the standings, this year reads like a who's who of recent college powerhouses. Successful teams like USC, Texas and Ohio State are proving that they aren't going to just be good this year, but will still have the foundation to be consistently excellent for years down the line.

3. The big coaching changes did not affect recruiting as much as some believed. Look around the country and you'll see that Michigan still put together a solid class under Rich Rodriguez including stealing some big time players away from fellow Big 10 members Penn State and Purdue on signing day. UCLA under Rick Neuheisel also maintained their solid class and look like they could start challenging USC for the prime-time SoCal talent. Even Bobby Petrino at Arkansas put together a good class in spite of his damaged reputation, including getting 4-star recruit Joe Adams to switch from USC to Arkansas. Along with Ryan Mallett next year, the Hogs may have the scariest offense in the SEC west.

4. Terrelle Pryor is full of himself. By postponing his decision it makes him look like an extremely selfish player. If he was so distracted by basketball, why didnt he tell the schools recruiting him to back off a little more and let him worry about his decision after the season. While Pryor may in fact be the real deal, he's doing a great job of supplanting Jimmy Clausen as recruiting douchebag of the year. Swole's prediction? He'll still end up at Ohio State whenever he makes up his mind.

5. The Big 12 is possibly on its way back to its glory days in the mid to late 1990's. We all know Texas and Oklahoma are going nowhere, but now some of the other schools are catching up. Missouri added the heir apparent to Chase Daniel in Blaine Gabbert, Colorado added top running back Darrell Scott, and Kansas State and Nebraska and Kansas all put together solid recruiting efforts. With all these schools on the upswing, and Big 12 South schools Oklahoma State, Texas Tech and OK State also appearing more competitive, this could be the toughest the conference has been from top to bottom in over a decade.

While Signing Day is mostly a prospective event, it is important to note that you do need the best players to win. While some top prospects won't pan out and diamonds in the rough will emerge, the teams with the deepest classes from top to bottom will be the ones that continue to stay near the top of the polls. Here are 5 early predictions based on yesterday's outcome:

1. Miami's defense will be stifling in a very short time. By locking up that Miami area talent, Randy Shannon will have the players needed to turn The U into the intimidating team it was under Butch Davis. And if either Robert Marve or Jacory Harris can be a solid QB, Miami is going to be top-5 very soon.

2. The Big 10 and Pac 10 will remain very top heavy. Both conferences certainly have their share of teams near the top of the recruiting standings, but the lesser teams are not even close to matching the top squads like USC and Oregon in the Pac-10 and UM, Illinois and Ohio State in the Big 10. This means the talent gap between these teams and the rest is only getting wider which will make their road to the BCS title even easier.

3. Look for the wide receivers to have the most immediate impact out of any position. Julio Jones will give Alabama a perfect replacement for DJ Hall and AJ Green is stepping into a loaded offense at UGA. Other immediate contributors could include Josh Jarboe at Oklahoma and Carl Moore at Florida who will both have experienced signal callers to get them the ball.

4. Terrelle Pryor will do nothing next year. Even the best of the freshmen qb's take a while to adjust to college ball. Tim Tebow didn't throw it hardly at all his freshmen year. Jimmy Clausen was ass on a sandwich. Its simply too much to ask of any QB recruit to come in their freshmen year and be successful.

5. Charlie Weis will continue to get the least out of his talented players because he spends too much time eating and thinking about how great he thinks he is.

Matters of the Heart

Well here it is Hoosier Nation. The date that has been circled on our calendars since, oh...the summer of 2006. It's Indiana @ Illinois, in what promises to be one of the most emotionally-charged, hostile, hyped games of the decade in NCAA basketball. And it's all thanks to Rivals 150's #1 Ranked shooting guard from Indianapolis, IN, and current Big Ten scoring leader: Eric Gordon, Jr.

This game is much more critical than the football meeting between these two rivals. A random fan's quote to the IU Live news broadcast summed that Illini victory up best: "We don't really care if we lose to them in football. We were never really that good at it anyway...However, we still have Eric Gordon. Boo Yah. (Long pause)." -Anonymous IU tailgater, woken up in the Woodlawn Fields.

EJ and the Indiana Hoosiers (#13) march into Champaign/Urbana with a 7-1 Big Ten record, and the top-two active scorers in the leauge (not to mention top rebounder). After dropping two of their last three, the Hoosiers need a win here against a very weak, vulnerable Illinois team. But as is often the case when marquee teams with All-American talent come to town, Illinois will be giving it a little something extra tomorrow night. Actually they will be giving a lot extra something, as Young Gordon has been the subject of the most fierce and bitter recruiting battle of the decade in college sports. The bad feelings resulting from Gordon breaching his original agreement with U of I to play for IU place this new rivalry right up there with any other in terms of raw hostility.

Illinois' campus paper has posted this article about how the vaunted "Orange Krush" are preparing to give Gordon a special welcome. He probably won't really give a shit. Have you ever heard the guy talk? Probably not. When he gives a quote, his comments make Bill Belichick sound like Shakespeare.

Gordon gets fazed on the road.
The crowd throws the Hoosiers out of balance.
The Illini can figure out a solution to D.J. White.
Jessica Simpson starts dating Gordon, and sits in the front row.

They play within themselves.
Gordon drives to the basket with authority, regularly.
They can take the crowd out of the game, either with an early lead or dictating the pace of play.
A disgruntled UofI fan runs onto the floor & assaults Gordon or Sampson for a disqualification.
There is any sense of justice or fairness in this world.

As an added bonus watch this semi-motivational IU video. Be sure to note Young Knuckleballer at the 1:32 mark, where he is (not suprisingly) posing with a flock of fattys. I'll bet he had NO CLUE he was in this.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

This is why Duke Sucks

The Recruit That Never Was

If you haven't heard about the Kevin Hart story, then you've got to read this article. Hart is a 2 star Offensive lineman from a small Nevada town that had never produced a Division 1 College Athlete. At a press conference last week, Hart announced that he was committing to the University of California over a number of other big schools including Oregon. Hart said that he had talked to Cal Coach Jeff Tedford many times and that he would accept their scholarship offer to play football for the Golden Bears. Only one problem, there was no scholarship fact, Hart never actually talked to Tedford. The High Schooler claims that he through a mysterious recruiter he was contacted by numerous school including Cal. Now it turns out this whole thing could be one of the biggest scams in Sports History. Read the article from the Reno-Gazette Journal to learn more.

UPDATE: Turns out that the kid is a lying bastard and this whole thing was blown out of proportion. Have fun working in a Nevada Gas Station next year buddy.

Diesal Drivin' to the Desert

The Worldwide leader says that the Big Fella is heading out West. ESPN reports that the Miami Heat have agreed in principle to trade Shaq O'Neal to the Phoenix Suns for Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks. This would have been a blockbuster...2 years ago. It's still a pretty big deal in today's terms, but it doesn't have the luster that it would have had when the Shaq Daddy was the most dominant center in the league. Thank God NBA fans have finally woken up and smelled the napalm and realized that Shaq doesn't deserve to be an all-star anymore. This trade is very interesting in terms of the parties involved. Normally, you would never see the Suns making this move, but it seems like Steve Kerr has decided to get risky and hope that O'Neal can become healthy and re-ignite his career. Shaq must be sick of the Heat. I don't blame him, they are pathetic and going to a winner could be just what he needs to round back into monster form. Personally though, I don't really see what the Suns are thinking here. If Big Poppa can become as good as he was during the Heat's championship run, then it could pay off. Anything less though would make this move like a major mistake for Phoenix. Clearly the Suns think that this is their year to win the Title. There is no team in the West that running away with anything. The parity has actually propelled the Suns into the best current record in the West. It's no secret that Phoenix is weak inside. Outside of Amare, there is no looming presence in the middle. But Shaq is old as balls. He has a maximum of one good season left in him and I wouldn't be shocked to see him golfing in the winter of 2010. Miami still blows, but they just got better. I think this team could actually be a playoff team next year if they can have a good draft. Remember, the East is still weak sauce and the Heat will have a high pick in the draft. They still have D Wade and they definitely got the better side of this deal in my opinion. Shawn Marion is one of the best all-around contributers in the NBA. He's an elite defender, an great rebounder, and an above average 3 point shooter. He also turns the ball over very infrequently. This kind of player will be a big bonus in Miami, considering Wade is a TO machine. The Matrix is unselfish and a great team player. It's not wonder he always is near the top of the fantasy leaderboards. Marcus Banks has been pretty Boo-urns with the Suns, but 2 years ago, he was productive in Minnesota averaging 12 points, 5 assists, and over a steal a game. I'm not saying he's going to blow up in Miami, but it appears that a change of scenery was key for him as a player, since he was getting no PT in Phoenix. The big factor in this trade is age. Shaq is only a couple years away from going to a nursing home (age 35...which is dinosaur age for a big man), while the two UNLV alums Banks and Marion are 26 and 29 respectively. Don't even get me started on Shaq Fu's Gigantic Salary that is now off the Heat's hands. If Miami can somehow get the Matrix to re-sign with them next year and draft a quality Big Man (Michael Beasly perhaps) next year, they could be a solid team in 2008-09. On the flip side, the Suns made this trade with this season only in mind.

National Media drops the ball again

As Young Swole went to sleep last night, he feared the news that would follow once daybreak came to the southeast. After last nights vicious rounds of severe storms throughout the south, death was a certainty. And now as the death toll from the storms rises to near 50 across 4 states, the scope of the situation sadly becomes even more impressive. This storm outbreak will be one of the worst in recorded history in terms of casualty of life regardless of time of year. Usually February is a calm severe weather month, with only 29 tornadoes on average across the entire country for the whole month which is much less than the spring and summer months, and yet last night that monthly averaged was at least three times as great with near 100 tornadoes being reported.

So in the wake of one of the worst severe weather outbreaks in recent years, Young Swole was expecting extensive coverage on the situation, (one he may add that has not ended yet, there will be more storms, more tornadoes and possibly more loss of life today) but instead he got the same old bullshit from the news media as he always does. His Swoleness is well aware that Super Tuesday was yesterday, an important marker on the path towards presidential elections. He also knows that after yesterday's results, the situation in both parties is still undecided, with many more months of primaries to come before each party selects its presidential candidate. Therefore, don't you think the focus of news coverage should focus on an event occurring in the present instead of an event that will not be concluded for months and months? By continuing their mission to overwhelm the American public with blind speculation and unfounded predictions, the news media in our country not only ignored a tragic event, not only insulted the victims of the storms, but also ignored the one thing that is constant in all our lives: the weather in the skies above us.

Young Swole can guarantee that the presidential election psycho-babble will still be ongoing tomorrow afternoon. Young Swole can also sadly guarantee that thousands of people's lives will be altered by yesterday's storms and also possibly today's. You can choose for yourself which story you think is more important, but if you think the greed and corruption-filled election process is more important than the events taking place across the southeast today, then you need to take a step back and once again come to grip with reality. Well, either that or go apply for a job at CNN or NBC.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Local Flavor

One thing I always like to do before a game I'm very interested in is to read the local news from the two teams' home towns. I do this by browsing the school newspaper of whichever team IU happens to be playing, or by reading the home papers of other NL Central teams to see how they feel about my Redbirds.

Today there are two articles you should definitely check out soon:

An absolutely ruthless article by St. Louis favorite Bernie Miklasz, basically demanding the 2002 Lombardi Trophy for the Rams.


A horrible narrative by "Around the Horn" also-ran Jackie MacMullen, lamenting the tragic ending to the Patriots' pursuit of 19-0.

Both pretty much embody the arguments on opposing sides of the Patriots legacy from this decade.

Say It Ain't So!

Reports are that Bob Knight, the winningest coach in men's D1 history, has resigned from his head coaching position at Texas Tech, with his protege (and son), Pat, taking over effective immediately.

There has been no reason given as of yet for the resignition.

Say it ain't so Bobby! It would be a damn shame if this Hall of Fame career ended in such an unexpected and random way. All I can hope for is that at some point, the two sides of Robert Montgomery Knight and Indiana University can set aside their differences and give The General the recognition that he deserves for taking this program to the elite level it is today. Assembly Hall should be renamed to the Robert Montgomery Knight Center from this point forward.

If not, I intend to start a petition to fire Kelvin Sampson and rehire Mr. Knight and bring back IU to national dominace!

(Had to throw out the old school, retro Bobby Knight picture with the extra short shorts)

College Basketball Power 10

The upsets keep pouring on in college sports. The victims this past week include Kansas, Indiana and Michigan State. Duke-UNC Round 1 coming on Wed. and if that isn't enough to get your juices flowing, yo boy Dickey-V is making his return to broadcasting after surgery JUST to watch the Dookies play BABY! (No one saw that coming right, no one).

1.) Memphis Tigers

Can this team go undefeated? The regular season schedule says yes. Come tourney time? Ehhh, not so sure.

2.) Duke Blue Devils

Quietly crept up to number 2 in the polls. Time to seperate the men from the boys this week in a huge matchup at UNC.

3.) Kansas Jayhawks

What I CAN accept - losing to an underrated and (at the time) on fire KSU squad led by the one man show Michael Beasley...

4.) UNC Tarheels

... What I CAN'T accept (still) is losing to Maryland at home then getting by FSU in OT. Put up or shut up this Wed for the 'Heels (Stuart Scott must be pissing down his leg as we speak).

5.) Tennessee Volunteers

I just don't understand why Tennessee isn't taking as much shit as other teams (like those in the Big 10) when they play in an equally bad conference (if not worse) and have one (maybe two) quality wins and a blowout loss to Texas. Someone explain to me the difference between UT and say... Indiana? MSU?

6.) UCLA Bruins

Easily the most dangerous team. So much depth will make them a favorite to make it to their 3rd straight Final Four.

7.) Georgetown Hoyas

Was that goaltending? Probably. It's too late to change that though. They win (which is important), but can you show me a solid team they have beaten?

8.) Wisconsin Badgers

A not-so-bad loss coupled with a good win at home keeps the Badgers in the Big Ten race (for what seems like the 15th straight year).

9.) Stanford Cardinals

This team has been playing as hot as anyone over the past few weeks. Still in the Pac 10 title hunt.

10.) Butler Bulldogs

Could it be because they play in an inferior conference, or could it be that they really are that good (like last year's Sweet 16 run proved)? All I know is that this team is making a strong case for being the best team in Indiana right now.

Also receiving votes: Indiana Hoosiers, Texas Longhorns, Kansas State Wildcats (regardless of that Mizzou let down), and Michigan State Spartans

NBA Weekly Preview

After seeing how great this week's slate of games is, we're going to do the preview a little differently. The Power 16 will be abbreviated, and we'll focus on a whopping 10 games to keep an eye on this week.

The Power 16
1. Boston 36-8. Surviving without KG while the young guys learn how to win on their own.
Opponents this week: @Cleveland, LA Clippers, @ Minnesota, San Antonio
2. Detroit 34-13. Yesterday sure did look like vintage Detroit Basketball.
Opponents this week: Miami, Portland, Charlotte
3. New Orleans 32-14. Two game losing streak could reach 4 by Wednesday.
Opponents this week: @Utah, @Phoenix, Memphis
4. Phoenix 33-14. If they couldn't beat the Spurs on Thursday, will they ever?
Opponents this week: Charlotte, New Orleans, Seattle, Washington
5. Utah 30-18. The hottest team in the NBA since acquiring Kyle Korver
Opponents this week: New Orleans, @Denver, @Sacramento, Chicago
6. Orlando 31-18. The frisky Magic just keep on winning.
Opponents this week: Dallas, New Jersey, LA Lakers
7. Dallas 31-15. Losing at Boston and Detroit proved they still aren't championship level.
Opponents this week: @Orlando, Milwaukee, Memphis, @New Jersey
8. LA Lakers 30-16. Kobe is playing like MJ and acquiring Gasol was a total steal.
Opponents this week: @New Jersey, @Atlanta, @Orlando, @Miami
9. San Antonio 29-16. Despite the injuries, the Spurs still know how to win big games.
Opponents this week: @Indiana, @Washington, @NY Knicks, @Boston
10. Denver 28-18. Melo is back just in time for 2 huge division games
Opponents this week: @Portland, Utah, Washington, @Cleveland
11. Golden State 29-19. Leaving Baron Davis off the All-Star team may be a bad mistake for the rest of the western conference.
Opponents this week: Chicago, Sacramento
12. Cleveland 26-20. Donyell Marshall should be cut for not having his jersey on.
Opponents this week: Boston, @Houston, @Atlanta, Denver
13. Portland 27-19. Congrats on making the All-Star team B Roy, now can you carry your team to the playoffs?
Opponents this week: Denver, Chicago, @Detroit, @Indiana
14. Houston 27-20. Rock Show could easily have an 8 game winning streak heading into the ASB.
Opponents this week: @Minnesota, Cleveland, Atlanta
15. Toronto 25-21. Continuing their pattern of following up a good game with an awful effort.
Opponents this week: @Miami, LA Clippers @Minnesota
16. Washington 24-22. The schedule gets no easier for the worn-down Wizards.
Opponents this week: @Philadelphia, San Antonio, @Denver, @Phoenix
Young Swole's Baller of the Week
Thanks to the efforts of Kobe Bryant, the Lakers are off to a 2-1 start on their road trip. And if it wasn't for Tayshaun Prince three-pointer at the buzzer they'd be 3-0. Kobe has been totally unstoppable this week, and now is going to have Pau Gasol to help him out. With the way the Mamba is playing, the Lake Show is a scary scary team.
Young Swole's Jackass of the week
For the second straight week, an NBA bench warmer demanded a trade. This week it was J.J. Redick, the guy you may be remember as the most overrated player in the history of college basketball. He could get away with shooting jump shots in college, but in the NBA this asshole has yet to realize that his defensive deficiencies cannot be hidden like they were at Duke. Since he can't guard a statue, he'll probably have plenty of time to write his poetry while riding a bus in the NBDL.
10 games to watch this week (In order of Swoleness)
10. Cleveland @ Atlanta, Friday. Young Swole will be a witness to the special brand of sickness sauce that is King James. This means the game has to make the list.
9. Washington @ Denver, Friday. Wizards start a brutal road trip in the Mile High City.
8. Dallas @ Orlando, Monday. Dallas tries to beat one good eastern conference team. Orlando looks to continue the positive streak of recent play.
7. Boston @ Cleveland, Tuesday. KG may be back for this epic battle. Can Lebron somehow pull off a victory against the best team in the league on his own?
6. Denver @ Portland, Monday. A huge battle for playoff survival and divisional bragging rights.
5. LA Lakers @ Orlando, Friday. The new-look Lakers head to Orlando to take on one of the most entertaining teams in the league. First to 120 wins.
4. Utah @ Denver, Wednesday. With the way the Jazz are playing, if the Nugs lose this game they may never catch them again in the standings.
3. New Orleans @ Utah, Monday. Two of the sickest point guards in the league battle in a wild west shootout. Can the Hornets post a big road win or will the Jazz keep rolling?
2. San Antonio @ Boston, Sunday. Both teams posted huge victories without key players the last week. Now we get a possible finals preview, though neither team will be at 100 percent at game time.
1. New Orleans @ Phoenix, Wednesday. The Hornets have been the big surprise so far this year in the West. The Suns have a gaudy record but fell apart against the Spurs and appear to be mentally weak. Not only is the best record in the West on the line, so are bragging rights. If CP3 outplays Nash and the Hornets can win in the Valley of the Sun, Young Swole thinks its time to anoint him the best point guard in the league.

A Giant Upset

Un-fuckin'-believable. I can't describe to you the emotions going on in this town right now. I'm in Binghamton, New York...a couple hours west of NYC, but the this city is still overflowing with Giants Fans. I had to put together my sportscast while the game was going on, but it was just too damn difficult. In the 4th quarter, I completely stopped everything I was doing and watched with the other 8 people working in the station as the New York Football Giants pulled off one of the biggest upsets in Super Bowl History. Who honestly thought they could do it. Even in Giant country, most of the fans gave them little chance. When Brady hit Moss in the end zone to put the Pats up with 2 minutes to go, who really thought Eli was going to lead his team to a game winning touchdown? Eli Manning has hopefully silenced most of the doubters and solidified himself as the franchise quarterback in New York. He's no Peyton, but he's still a pretty damn good QB. He totally deserved that MVP trophy. I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty bored through the first three quarters, but I gotta say that the 4th quarter made the game one of the best in the history of the league. I know that's saying a lot considering it was so low scoring, but there have been few moments in my sports viewing life that I have been so on the edge of my seat (or in this case, clawing the edge of my sports desk). You could have cut the tension with a knife in that room. You couldn't have written a better ending. Sure, plenty of Pats fans out there wanted to see the Perfect season, and man are they ready to kill themselves right now. Speaking of Depression, how about Bill Bellichek. In his post game interview, he looked like he was about to have a break down. You gotta feel bad for the guy, right? Nahh. It's pretty crazy for me though. I'm not a bandwagon fan. I've always rooted for my pathetic Lions. Watching the Giants incredible run through the playoffs though, it was hard not to get swept up in the hysteria of Big Blue. For a game that had blowout potential written all over it, this turned out to be one for the ages. Oh, and Plaxico Burress looks like a genius now for predicting the 23-17 win for New York. Smug Tom Brady probably feels pretty foolish for scoffing at that one. Well, I need to go to bed, I've got an 11 hour car ride to Bloomington, Indiana tommorrow. So this will be my last post for the week unless I feel extra motivated.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Vindication is Spelled E-L-I

As a Colts fan, naturally I would rather have seen Peyton and Co. take out the Pats en route to another Super Bowl victory. But one Manning is as good as another. We have officially seem the Eli Manning coming out party.

I guess all the talk about Spygate and the asterisks are unnecssary now. Was THAT the greatest team in NFL history? Just curious.

There is still absolute shock at that amazing scramble by Eli... Eli-FREAKING-Manning, to avoid the sack and then that amazing catch by David Tyree to keep the game going.

Good night Patriots! There is always next year.

Greatest upset in NFL history? I think so...

Yawn... its Super Bowl time

Well here we are, finally a few hours away from the big game. Young Swole remembers the days when he'd be all amped up for this game, even if he didn't care about the teams. But this year, things are so uninteresting that he's bringing along climate homework, which actually means he cares about school-related matters on Super Bowl Sunday. Why is this game so wack and boring? Lets count a few ways:

1. Everyone hates the Pats. Not only do they always win, but they cheat to win and are referred to as deities all the while.

2. The team facing the Pats, who would usually inspire a great support for the underdog, are the New York Giants. Everyone hates New York fans. Between the Pats and Giants, choosing one to root for is like selecting between a Turd Sandwich or a Puke Reuben for your last meal.

3. These teams have already played each other. Maybe if we hadn't seen the Pats beat the Giants already we'd have more hope in Big Blue.

4. Even if the Giants do win the game, there will still be much more attention payed to how the Pats blew it. The excuses will be more numerous that the falling raindrops in a hurricane. So even if the Evil Pats win, you'll still have to hear all about them at the expense of the Giants

5. Do you realize that in the last football game to be played in 6 months, that we'll have to listen to Joe Buck give us opinion on the Pats greatness and spygate once again? Swole guarantees that this fucker will get on his soapbox long and hard about all the controversy swirling around the Pats, while at the same time forgetting to tell us important things actually happening in the game like player injuries or yards gained on a certain play.

So what do you do to make a terrible super bowl a little more enjoyable? We here at GDB have identified 5 possible events that could make this game much more exciting:

1. Randy Moss scores a touchdown and proceeds to moon Joe Buck, who will hopefully have a heart attack out of pure shock and disgust. In fact, as we remember, for 10's G's Randy Moss might even pull his dick out. This gets a no homo for sure, but if he whipped it out in Joe Buck's face then it would be totally acceptable.

2. Tom Brady gets hurt.

3. If the Pats lose, time how long it takes blowhards like Chris Berman or Shaun Salisbury to jump off the "Pats are the greatest team of all time" bandwagon.

4. Tom Petty lights up a giant spliff during his halftime performance, tells George Bush to go to fuck himself, and then rocks out "Last Dance with Mary Jane"

5. Hope against hope that somehow Fox split-screens the game with hard core nudity!

Well its about time for the Swole One to bounce out. Lets try to survive this game as best we can.

Star of the Super Bowl

With the kickoff of the Super Bowl just a few hours away, the biggest story in AZ right now has to do with the new "other" Manning. His name is Peyton and if my memory serves me correctly, I think he plays for some team called the Colts? Although some people might believe that Eli has finally emerged from the long shadow cast by his older, more accomplished brother, the fact is that P-Diddy's new look is generating more hype than Bill Belichick's home movie collection.
This has to be frustrating for our colleague the Young Knuckleball-thrower, who has yet to reach the stage in his life where growing facial hair becomes possible. But what do the rest of our hundreds of thousands of readers think about this new addition to Peyton's arsenal?

Q: Do you like Peyton's goatee?

(circle one)
A. Yes
B. No
C. Maybe
D. Only if given the opportunity to run my fingers through it.