2:02 – We’re off to a racing start. With the first pick of the NFL Draft, the Dolphins select Jake Long. Oh wait, that was decided 4 days ago? Shit. Where was ESPN on that one (must have been a Red Sox-Yankees series this week).
2:11 – There is a rumor that the Rams would consider drafting Darren McFadden with the 2nd overall pick because Stephen Jackson’s contract is up next year. Ya, that’s a great strategy. So what you are saying is that resigning is impossible? Fortunately for Rams fans, the Rams listen to me and take Chris Long. This whole GM thing is easy.
2:15 – Not really sure what Keyshawn Johnson is wearing right now, nice shirt dildo. Oh, and I hate Chris Berman.
2:19 - So the Falcons decide that it is time to “turn over a new leaf” and get the new face of the franchise, so they draft Matt Ryan. For those keeping score at home, that is 3, count them T-H-R-E-E, white guys in a row to start the draft. When is the last time that has happened?
The biggest question now is whether to start this guy ASAP or let him sit on the bench and learn from a veteran QB. The only problem is, that vet on the Falcons is Joey Harrington. I would probably start him right away and change the locks on Harrington.
2:22 – I hate Chris Berman.
2:24 – These little promos that ESPN is running in between commercials is really pathetic. The draft is really not THAT cool.
2:25 – The Oakland Raiders are on the clock. I’m excited to see how they mess this up. (Pssst! TAKE DARREN MCFADDEN!!! You don’t have a 3rd or 4th round pick. Are you serious? Besides, there are no kickers that are really blowing me out of the water this year. Ya, here’s lookin at you Janakowski).
2:27 – Oh, did you hear that D-Fad’s mom doesn’t want him to go to either the West Coast or New York because he will be too far from home and those places are too big anyways. I would probably smack a bitch. And YES! The Raiders take him. His mom does not look happy right now. Wonder what the baby mamas are thinking (PAY-DAY!). Darren McFadden and JaMarcus Russell as the future battery of the Oakland Raiders. A little too much SEC for my taste, but definite potential.
2:31 – KC is on the clock. They pan to the “green room” to show Vernon Gholston and Glenn Dorsey talking. Why the fuck is it a “green room” when it is blue? This team is heading no where and fast, so they really need a good draft here to try to steer the team in at least some direction.
2:33 - Dorsey is now shown on the phone, smiling. And he is wearing a ridiculously obnoxious watch right now. Damn. LSU obviously pays very well. Looks like Dorsey is going next. Btw, did you know Larry Johnson had only 560 yards and 3 touchdowns last year? I did, because he was a waste of a first round pick.
2:35 – And Dorsey goes. I think that was a decent pick. There were no real standout OL that should have gone at this spot, and plus they have several more picks in the next few rounds. Dorsey will be a great anchor for that lackluster defense. Only downside is the possibly durability issue, but he played through the pain last year and they have all kinds of pain killers and drugs in the NFL (pan to clip of Varsity Blues and Paul Walker getting pricked in the ass, err, knee).
2:36 – J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets! are on the clock. How can you not be excited about this??? Dorsey said that he is excited to be a Chief. Does he know the definition of an oxymoron?
2:40 – Jets fans are beyond obnoxious. I hope the Jets take a QB here just to make them all kill themselves. Jets movement in the offseason has been really underrated. They made some decent moves to start to rebuild that team. If I am picking with my brain then Vernon Gholston, but picking with my heart, its John Flacco.
2:42 – So Goodell said he may consider moving the location of the draft every year, therefore not having it in New York every year. I think I know why – Jets fans. I think they should have it at the team with the #1 pick every year. How great would it be to have been in Houston when they took Mario Williams and not Reggie Bush, just to see the reactions on Texans fans (even though that didn’t turn out so bad for everyone involved).
2:44 - Chris Mortenson has just explained to us that Gholston has a “great physique, when he takes off his shirt, he looks like Tarzan”. Jesus Christ, I really don’t give a shit. And what do you know, the Jets take Gholston. Great pick. I hope Gholston terrorizes Brady for years to come. And the green room is officially empty, so no Brady Quinn face.
I think Gholston will be a stud, Not only is he from the Big 10, but he has a really good and fitting name for a player you might fear.
2:48 – I still hate Chris Berman, although I think ESPN has taken note of this because they have been going more to Kirk Herbstreit then him. It’s like the lesser of the two evils: Hear Herbstreit cream over USC, or hear Berman in general. I’ll take the former.
2:49 – Satan is now on the clock. I definitely think the Pats will try to trade this pick in an attempt to reclaim that pick they lost because they are cheaters.
2:51 – Oh, I’m good. The Pats trade their pick with the Saints. Pats get the 1st and 3rd from the Saints and the Saints get the Pats 1st and 5th.
2:53 – The Saints take Sedrick Ellis. Good pick? Maybe. They definitely needed to address the defense, so this could prove to be a great pick. Either way, this pick will bring a player that can play really well on this team, or a player that won’t play very well (props to John Madden for the commentary).
2:54 – How can you not be jealous of Mel Kiper Jr. He might have the greatest job ever. He loves just about EVERY player in the first round – something that he will inevitably be wrong about because at least half the first round picks will be busts. He can say whatever he want and it is taken as fact and he is always considered a “genius”. Nobody faults him 5 years down the road and blames him for a player being a bust. Fuck that.
2:55 - Jacksonville with a trade now, moving from 26 to 8. Damn! This will be costly. I’m sure it’s for Derrick Harvey because they need a DE. I don’t really know that much about him, I need Young Swole here to convince me that because he is in the SEC he is a first ballot Hall of Famer.
2:56 - At this point, I don’t really give a shit about the rest of the draft. The Colts don’t have a first round pick and I got to see the top 5. Now all I want to do is think about where I am going to draft McFadden in my fantasy draft. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to wait to see how the Lions fuck things up.
3:00 – Awkward conversation between Mel Kiper and Chris Berman about the Ravens intention and whether they will be able to get the next good QB. Berman, you cannot argue with that hair. Thank God Mort finally interrupted. I wish they would all just all fall over dead.
On another note: ESPN has a lot of great talent (Tony Reali, Michael Smith, JA Adande, Mike Greenberg), but they totally under use these guys. How much longer will people really tolerate back- back- back- back- back- back- back- back-GONE! I stopped about 5 years ago.
3:01 – 2 for 2 in predictions, as Harvey goes to Jacksonville. Good thing I am listening to what Mel is saying. I kind of agree with him though, this may be a slight reach. He seems kinda fat. Peyton isn’t worried, so I am not worried. Go Colts!
3:03 – Well that didn’t take long. The “Bungals” got their #1 choice in Keith Riversm and it only took them about 2 minutes to decide. Damn, that sucks. Going from a Super Bowl contender in USC to a bottom dweller in Cincy. Wait, the Trojans aren’t in the NFL? Does it matter that they could probably win the NFC? No, ok, fine then.
3:07 – Cincinnati fans do not look pleased.
3:08 – The Ravens got the farm on that trade. A 1st, 2 3rds, and a 4th just so the Jags can move up. Worth it?
3:09 – ESPN has this feature called “Fan’s Grade” where they grade players vs. Mel Kiper. I think that fans have given an A to every player thus far, proving that the average fan knows everything.
3:09 – Pats are up again. I bet they trade again, because they are a bunch of back-stabbing, sneaky fucking bitches.
I hate them with a passion.
3:12 - So get this. Last year, Adrian Peterson, drafted 7th overall, made $17 million in guaranteed money. Meanwhile, 1st overall, JaMarcus made $32 million in guaranteed money. Hmmm. Let that stew in your brain for a little while.
3:14 – Actually, I bet the Pats take a QB. They need a QB! Please QB! QB! QB! Dammit! Jerod Mayo out of Tennessee, some linebacker, in an obvious attempt to get this team “young” again. I am on to you Belichick.
Whoooooo gives a shit. I am starting to like the Jets a little more now. They booed Goodell out of the house when he came up to talk about the Pats. I pledge an allegiance between Colts and Jets fans alike against the New England Patriots. Actually, anyone can join.
3:16 – Thank God Brett Favre retired. Otherwise I would hate Berman even more. Oh God. He just said the Pats will get flagged next year a lot for “Holding the Mayo”. Kill me now. Just note that I hate Chris Berman. I won’t even say it again, but I hate him with the fire of 1,000 suns.
“You’re with me, leather!”
3:17 – Up next is Buffalo. To be honest, if I were in the AFC East, I would start being worried about the Bills. I think this is one of the up and coming teams in the NFL. They might have found the QB of the future in Trent Edwards, have great weapons in Lee Evans and Marshawn Lynch, and that defense showed some potential last year. Still, they have got to shade up that defense here a little or go after another WR to help out Lee Evans. They just showed Devin Thomas get a cell phone call. STOP RUINING THIS ESPN!
3:18 – Bills go defensive and get Leodis McKelvin out of Troy. ESPN fooled me. Hmm. They definitely needed a CB and this guy has the instincts and speed to do it, but he’s only 5’10” and apparently he has bad hands. Oh well, if he had good hands, he would be a WR, hahaha, right Berman? No? Eh, go fuck yourself.
3:20 – I think Aqib Talib was a better choice, but apparently he has a little bit of character issues. So he smokes a little pot here and there. D-Fad has 2 kids, brothers in gangs, and fights at piano bars. And your biggest worry about this guy is that he will eat too many Doritos and maybe hyperextend his thumb playing Wii. Get real. If I were a GM, smoking a little sticky icky would not be considered a negative on character issues, but rather a positive as a definite good time in the off season.
NOTE: We do not condone smoking marijuana here at Gimme Dat Brew. Nope, never. No smoking pot.
3:23 – Our next OT is off the board, Ryan Clady, who looks like a bigger Laurence Maroney. So Cutler won’t get sacked 54 times next year. Maybe on 40! Why did they not go WR here? Who exactly is Cutler going to throw to? Didn’t they lose Javon Walker?
3:26 – Panthers time. I think they are set at QB. That Vinny Testeverde is the QB of the future. I have no idea what the Panthers are going to take. To be honest, they will probably take an OT or a QB. But it seems early to take a Joe Flacco or Chad Henne. Maybe a trade?
Here we go – Jonathan Stewart? Hmm, so they got rid of DeShaun Foster to get rid of the tandem, and they get Stewart to create a tandem. Probably a little early for Stewart, but only time will tell. This kind of hurts Lions fans (sorry Swole and Knuckler) as they were rumored to be in the running back market.
3:28 – It’s time for the Bears. I am actually kind of excited to see if I can hear people around me screaming in anguish or cheering in admiration. My prediction – Rashard Mendenhall and cheering in admiration (which makes me sick. Fuck the Bears).
3:32 – There is nothing like watching the draft in HD. It just makes things THAT much more tolerable.
3:34 – Come on Bears. It’s simple – QB or RB. Pick your poison. My guess is that if the Bears do take a RB, all this is going to do is inspire Benson to actually play like a 4th overall pick. Hmm, possible fantasy sleeper?
3:36 – Herbie makes an interesting point. Mendenhall hasn’t really had a lot of carries in college, so, in his opinion, he has all of his football ahead of him. Really? Wouldn’t you be a little concerned by this, that his talents area really small sample size and maybe he can’t handle the full season? Who knows. But here we go, the pick is… Chris Williams, OT from Vanderbilt. Hmmm. Probably not the pick everyone in the Second City wanted, but who likes them anyway? Maybe someone can write and sing a song for Bears fans?
3:37 – Oh god, the Lions are up! Hell yes! I’m gonna pour out a drink now for my compadres here at GDB a little early. Actually, pictures speak louder than words:
3:39 – Maybe if I start the chant, it’ll catch on. Mill-en! Mill-en! Mill-en! The “smart pick” is probably an OT or OG here. Or maybe Mendenhall. But there hasn’t been a WR drafted yet, so everyone is on pins and needles.
3:41 – God, good point by Steve Young. The Lions currently have the best QB in the NFC North in Jon Kitna. Are you serious? The NFC East has Romo, Manning, Campbell, and McNabb. And the North throws out Jon Kitna? Almost makes me miss Favre (by the way, Brett Favre watch has told me that we have no heard a single mention of him yet this draft).
3:43 – KC trades up for the pick from the Lions. Interesting. KC then takes Branden Albert, offensive guard out of Virginia. KC is quietly having a pretty good draft. They are really starting to reshape their team. This pick will really help Huard stay on his feet this year, as opposed to his back.
3:49 - Lions get 1st, 3rd and 5th for their 1st and 3rd just for dropping 2 spots. A GOOD move by Millen. Damn. How many GMs are actually making good moves this year? There really hasn’t been a single reach or bad selection thus far (*cough* Ted Ginn Jr. *cough*). God Bless Us All.
3:50 – So the Cardinals are up. I am amazed at how fast Edge James has completely fallen off the face of the league, When he was in Indy, he was a top 3 RB in the league. Now? He is referred to as an aging, but hard runner. Hahaha, you fuck. That’s what you get for leaving us. We’ll go polish our Super Bowl rings now.
3:52 – The pick is in. This team has so much talent, but is just so bad - how is this possible? My guess is RB, but they could easily keep the offensive linemen run going. And they choooooooooose: Dominic Rodgers-Cromartie. I have mixed feelings, but overall, I think this was a safe pick. He is like a Rudy pick since he is from a D2 school. He is my new favorite player in the NFC West.
In other news, I cannot believe how far Talib has fallen! All over a little green. He runs a 4.33 40 and was a 1st team all Big 12.
3:55 - Leos are up. I need to call Young Swole for this one. The Lions choose some fool from Boston College. He is a tackle, so I guess that is a positive. I have no idea what to think otherwise.
Here is what Young Swole thinks: “Well, I guess the intention is now to turn an OT to a WR, because we obviously need a WR with more size”. Well said Swole.
4:02 – MORE TRADING! Baltimore is getting a little antsy about whether they can get a good QB prospect late in the draft, so they trade up to with Houston to the 18th spot to get, what appears to be, Joe Flacco. Hmm. Sorry, but he has bust written all over him.
4:04 – What appears to be Joe Flacco’s girlfriend is madddd beat. I mean, you are a QB, I hope you aren’t hitting that. She will be gone in about 2 months, although I do not know the quality of pussy in Baltimore, but it has to be better than in Delaware.
4:05 – Ok, apparently Flacco throws the ball 74 yards. Well, John Elway once threw a NERF Vortex out of a stadium, so I am not impressed.
4:08 – Philly is up. They boo Santa, they cheer career ending injuries, the question of the draft is how they will react to this pick. It’s wide receiver or bust in my opinion.
4:10 – Another FUCKING TRADE! Carolina is moving up and apparently must be thinking QB or OL. This draft has been wild so far. Carolina moves up to take Jeff Otah out of Pitt – and Eagles fans still find it in their heart to boo. It seems that Carolina is setting up to run the football this year, which, of course, makes PERFECT sense considering that they only have some guy named Steve Smith.
4:13 – Tampa Bay is up and there WILL be a WR taken here. There has to be. There hasn’t been one yet and there are some quality guys on the board. (By the way, the fans gave that pick of Otah an F. Obviously, fans do not like OL picks and would prefer that football be played with 1-Mississippi 2-Mississippi 3-Mississippi).
4:18 – The haul for the Eagles was a 2nd, a 4th, and 1st rounder in 2009. Wow, great haul for the Iggles, risky choice for the Panthers. Who knows. The Colts did it last year to get Tony Ugoh early and it worked out for them (by the way, Keyshawn just used the word “small-ish”. What does that even mean?).
4:20 – The big elephant left in the draft room is if Indianapolis, the obvious favorite to win the Super Bowl for the next year 3 years, will trade into the first round. Ok, not really. And I’m done with talking about the Colts from here out. But there are only 11 picks left and I am bored. So Tampa takes Aqib Talib – ignoring need and going for talent. I think it is a fine pick, as it seems a lot of WRs are going to be available in the next round. He also did play some WR last year, so you never know. Too bad Dallas didn’t draft him – he could have hung out with Josh Howard.
4:26 – Redskins pick #21 – Sean Taylor wore #21. Fate? I predict Devin Thomas. He was projected in the top 20 and he is still available. Why not take a “gamble”?
4:28 – Speaking of gamble, for the Falcons anyways, Washington trades their pick to Atlanta. They have their QB of the “future” so what the hell are they going to reach for here – there isn’t anyone outstanding left on the board. They did lost Alge Crumpler, so maybe a TE? That would be a GREAT selection (insert thick sarcasm here). It will probably be a WR still, but why move up and do that when there will be plenty in the next few rounds.
4:30 – Anyways, the Falcons take Sam Baker, OT from USC. Kirk Herbstreit says “You can never go wrong with a Trojan”. Ok, he didn’t really say that (actually, that is just an important thing to keep in mind on the weekends). Good pick? I dunno. Safe pick? Ya, maybe, but you could have gotten him in the second round. So Atlanta has attempted to solidify its QB, RB, and OL this off season. Not bad.
4:33 – Time for Jerry Jones to make some noise. I am done predicting that a WR is going to come next. The Lions already made their selection.
4:39 – This crowd is HATING on Goodell every time he comes to the podium. Either that, or they hate every team picking. And with that, Dallas takes an Arkansas boy in Felix Jones. WHOOOOOOOO! Stop the presses. Did anyone see that coming? Damn. That was a sleeper pick there. Can we now move on? If Felix would have stuck around for like one more year, he would have probably gone 1st overall. Instead, he opts for the money now. At least he is on a good team.
4:41 – They just showed Mendenhall getting a phone call on his iPhone (greatest phone ever, by the way). He seems happy, but it is the Steelers with the next pick, so I can’t really see this happening here. I mean, seriously. They have different needs, like a WR to please Big Ben or some offensive line help.
4:43 – By the way, did you know that “The Draft Matters”??? In case you didn’t, ESPN is letting you know every 5-10 minutes. Of course the damn draft matters – otherwise, where the hell would all the players come from?
4:44 – AND THE STEELERS DO PICK MENDENHALL! That is definitely a steal, but was that really necessary? Maybe they are trying to go back to “the bus” and Fast Willie Parker tandem. You are telling me they didn’t have any other needs? I mean, seriously? But what do I care, let the AFC teams make themselves weaker.
4:45 – Mel Kiper has said about 10 times that he had Mendenhall as the 10th best player in this draft – so CLEARLY he should have gone 10th because Mel said so. He also said that Ryan Leaf would be the better QB than Peyton Manning and we all know very well how that worked out (by the way, there have been 9 trades in this first round; the record is 15. Let’s do this!)
4:47 – Tennessee is up and I GUARANTEE this will be a WR. This has to be, otherwise Vince Young is going to just absolutely flip out and go all Pacman Jones on their asses and demand a trade to anywhere else. The only question is which one.
4:48 – Keyshawn not afraid to self promote by stating that Tennessee has been looking around for weapons for a while: “That’s why they have been trying to get these weapons as of late. They tried to get me, they tried to get these weapons”. So what you are saying is that they tried to get… you. Oh, and of course “other”, unspecified weapons. The best part was Steve Young behind him with an overall look of shame.
4:50 – With the 24th pick in the NFL Draft, the Titans take Chris Johnson, RB out of East Carolina. EVERYONE is speechless. What the fuck are they thinking?! He did have the fastest 40 time in the combine, which is the be all end all of whether or not you will be the shit in the NFL. Awesome. There are a lot more RBs still available and I don’t know if this was a great pick. Thunder and Lightening again? But I still ask you: Who is VY going to throw to?
4:59 – Trade #10 here. Uhh, again, why? The Cowboys are up to something, but there is no one left on the board that really should blow anyone out of the water. I mean, they have to be thinking CB or WR. So it’s either who will be Pacman’s bitch or TO’s bitch. I bet it’s a corner, as Steve Young so eloquently put it “You cannot trust Pacman Jones”. Thanks Steve.
In a related note, I think the NFL Draft crew has completely broken the record for obvious statements in the first round of the NFL draft.
5:00 – The Cowboys take Mike Jenkins out of South Florida, a corner. That’s what I thought. A pretty good fit. And if Pacman does come back, they will have one of the better defensive backfields in the league.
5:03 – So now it’s the 26th pick and it’s Houston on the horn. This pick is being passed around more than… actually fuck it, just insert some slutty girl you know who gets passed around a lot, as this is the 3rd team to sit here thus far.
5:07 – The Texans take some fool named Duane Brown from VT. He is an offensive lineman. They should have done this about 4 years ago to avoid David Carr being such a busssssssssst.
5:09 – The Chargers are up and this is their only pick until the 5th round. Damn, how did that happen? I’m not real sure what their need is here, but my guess would be a back up for LDT. But I don’t know if that is necessary. Why not shore up that defense? They take Antoine Cason, another CB from Arizona. That now gives them 3 solid CBs on this team.
5:11 – Where are the Hoosiers at, dammit?! They have two first round quality guys in Tracy Porter and James Hardy. Character issues you say? Tracy Porter is a fine, upstanding, and law-abiding gentleman and James Hardy is a, uhh, gentleman. Just don’t talk to his ex-girlfriend.
5:16 – Seattle takes DE Lawrence Jackson. How the hell is it that USC doesn’t even win the national title and still, somehow, manages to get 5 guys in the first round. I hate USC. Pete Carroll obviously pays well too.
5:19 – Next up is the Colts. Oh wait, they traded this pick last year, so this entire draft has bored the hell out of me. San Francisco is up and they take Kentwan Balmer, DT from North Carolina. Why the hell is Phillip Merling STILL on the board? Indy, move up and take him now! Fuck! And sorry SF, but what are you thinking? You ranked last in pass yards, totally yards, and points. Alex Smith is still your QB. You have no wide receivers. Come on fools.
5:21 – Steve Young is bumbling and stumbling to try and justify this pick, saying that they are trying to set up a crushing defense and in due time will set up the offense. Ya, ok, keep trying Steve.
Anyways, the real story here is how smart the Indianapolis Colts are, They traded pick last year to get an OT in Tony Ugoh, not even knowing if they would need him. Turns out, they do, as Tarik Glenn retired and we had a huge hole to fill. Tony Ugoh filled in great in his rookie season. Now look, there was a big offensive line run already in the first round and the Colts would have never gotten one (at least, not without reaching), so another great pick by Tony Dungy and Bill Polian.
Ok, I swear that is the last reference to the Colts here.
5:25 – Trade 11 of the first round. Packers send their 1st to the Jets for the 2nd and 4th. Jets fans are hoping for WR here, and I really hope Devin Thomas goes. He looks near suicidal. Actually, so does DeShaun Jackson. I’m very interested in what happens here. Jets need a WR, RB, and figure out their QB situation. Basically, they need help so I don’t know how they can go wrong here.
5:26 - Great sign by a Giants fan:
“J-E-T-S can S-P-E-L-L”.
Seriously, shut up Jets fans. Our allegiance is over.
5:27 – Actually, in retrospect, I don’t know if they need a WR. They have Coles and an up and comer in Cotchery. So maybe they will take a RB here. Ray Rice is still on the board…
5:29 – The pick is Dustin Keller, a TE out of Purdue. Well, Jets fans seem to be mixed here. He actually seems to be pretty talented, but I am a bit pissed off that a fucking Boilermaker went before my beloved Hoosiers. Oh well, 27-24 bitches!
5:31 – There is now a “Let’s go Giants” vs. “Let’s go Jets” chant battle at the Radio City Music Hall. I’d prefer to chant “Burn in Hell” to every team in the northeast (i.e. Pats, Giants, Jets, Red Sox, Yankees, etc.).
5:35 – Fuck, I just realized the Lakers- Nuggets were playing. Ok G-Men, hurry this shit up.
5:36 – The Giants’ pick is in. RB perhaps? Goodell looks kind of nervous here, wonder what is going on. The Giants take Kenny Phillips, safety from Miami. Ohhhh, that’s why he is nervous. More players from the U.
And there you have it, my best attempt at writing a live draft blog in the same self-appreciating, shit don’t stink manner ala Bill Simmons has worked.
Interesting similarities here between this draft and the 1990 draft. Last year it was a 6.5 hour draft, this year, only 3.5. Not too bad. This was the shortest draft since 1990, when a wide receiver was not taken in the first round. And there was no wide receiver taken in this draft! Oooooo, gotta love symbolism. Anyways, I just wasted 3 and a half hours of my life watching large men walk up to a podium and get cell phone calls. I am going to go do something productive, like hit up happy hour and watch some more of the draft. Have a good one…
GDB Field Update: This just happened at the last minute, but Mort told Keyshawn (apparently jokingly) that he was talking to Parcells about bringing back Johnson to the Dolphins, only he told Keyshawn that Parcells told him he couldn’t do it, as he figured Keyshawn had been eating too much fried chicken. You have to love racial stereotypes, they pop up everywhere.
