Saturday, April 26, 2008

1st Annual Gimme Dat Brew Draft Blog (complete with thick sarcasm everywhere)...

Here we go friends, it’s NFL Draft day. Fortunately for all of you, I woke up extra early this morning to get all of my shit done so that I can sit here and break down the draft for everyone in the very first ever Gimme Dat Brew Live Draft Blog. And we’re off:

2:02 – We’re off to a racing start. With the first pick of the NFL Draft, the Dolphins select Jake Long. Oh wait, that was decided 4 days ago? Shit. Where was ESPN on that one (must have been a Red Sox-Yankees series this week).

2:11 – There is a rumor that the Rams would consider drafting Darren McFadden with the 2nd overall pick because Stephen Jackson’s contract is up next year. Ya, that’s a great strategy. So what you are saying is that resigning is impossible? Fortunately for Rams fans, the Rams listen to me and take Chris Long. This whole GM thing is easy.

2:15 – Not really sure what Keyshawn Johnson is wearing right now, nice shirt dildo. Oh, and I hate Chris Berman.

2:19 - So the Falcons decide that it is time to “turn over a new leaf” and get the new face of the franchise, so they draft Matt Ryan. For those keeping score at home, that is 3, count them T-H-R-E-E, white guys in a row to start the draft. When is the last time that has happened?

The biggest question now is whether to start this guy ASAP or let him sit on the bench and learn from a veteran QB. The only problem is, that vet on the Falcons is Joey Harrington. I would probably start him right away and change the locks on Harrington.

2:22 – I hate Chris Berman.

2:24 – These little promos that ESPN is running in between commercials is really pathetic. The draft is really not THAT cool.

2:25 – The Oakland Raiders are on the clock. I’m excited to see how they mess this up. (Pssst! TAKE DARREN MCFADDEN!!! You don’t have a 3rd or 4th round pick. Are you serious? Besides, there are no kickers that are really blowing me out of the water this year. Ya, here’s lookin at you Janakowski).

2:27 – Oh, did you hear that D-Fad’s mom doesn’t want him to go to either the West Coast or New York because he will be too far from home and those places are too big anyways. I would probably smack a bitch. And YES! The Raiders take him. His mom does not look happy right now. Wonder what the baby mamas are thinking (PAY-DAY!). Darren McFadden and JaMarcus Russell as the future battery of the Oakland Raiders. A little too much SEC for my taste, but definite potential.

2:31 – KC is on the clock. They pan to the “green room” to show Vernon Gholston and Glenn Dorsey talking. Why the fuck is it a “green room” when it is blue? This team is heading no where and fast, so they really need a good draft here to try to steer the team in at least some direction.

2:33 - Dorsey is now shown on the phone, smiling. And he is wearing a ridiculously obnoxious watch right now. Damn. LSU obviously pays very well. Looks like Dorsey is going next. Btw, did you know Larry Johnson had only 560 yards and 3 touchdowns last year? I did, because he was a waste of a first round pick.

2:35 – And Dorsey goes. I think that was a decent pick. There were no real standout OL that should have gone at this spot, and plus they have several more picks in the next few rounds. Dorsey will be a great anchor for that lackluster defense. Only downside is the possibly durability issue, but he played through the pain last year and they have all kinds of pain killers and drugs in the NFL (pan to clip of Varsity Blues and Paul Walker getting pricked in the ass, err, knee).

2:36 – J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets! are on the clock. How can you not be excited about this??? Dorsey said that he is excited to be a Chief. Does he know the definition of an oxymoron?

2:40 – Jets fans are beyond obnoxious. I hope the Jets take a QB here just to make them all kill themselves. Jets movement in the offseason has been really underrated. They made some decent moves to start to rebuild that team. If I am picking with my brain then Vernon Gholston, but picking with my heart, its John Flacco.

2:42 – So Goodell said he may consider moving the location of the draft every year, therefore not having it in New York every year. I think I know why – Jets fans. I think they should have it at the team with the #1 pick every year. How great would it be to have been in Houston when they took Mario Williams and not Reggie Bush, just to see the reactions on Texans fans (even though that didn’t turn out so bad for everyone involved).

2:44 - Chris Mortenson has just explained to us that Gholston has a “great physique, when he takes off his shirt, he looks like Tarzan”. Jesus Christ, I really don’t give a shit. And what do you know, the Jets take Gholston. Great pick. I hope Gholston terrorizes Brady for years to come. And the green room is officially empty, so no Brady Quinn face.

I think Gholston will be a stud, Not only is he from the Big 10, but he has a really good and fitting name for a player you might fear.

2:48 – I still hate Chris Berman, although I think ESPN has taken note of this because they have been going more to Kirk Herbstreit then him. It’s like the lesser of the two evils: Hear Herbstreit cream over USC, or hear Berman in general. I’ll take the former.

2:49 – Satan is now on the clock. I definitely think the Pats will try to trade this pick in an attempt to reclaim that pick they lost because they are cheaters.

2:51 – Oh, I’m good. The Pats trade their pick with the Saints. Pats get the 1st and 3rd from the Saints and the Saints get the Pats 1st and 5th.

2:53 – The Saints take Sedrick Ellis. Good pick? Maybe. They definitely needed to address the defense, so this could prove to be a great pick. Either way, this pick will bring a player that can play really well on this team, or a player that won’t play very well (props to John Madden for the commentary).

2:54 – How can you not be jealous of Mel Kiper Jr. He might have the greatest job ever. He loves just about EVERY player in the first round – something that he will inevitably be wrong about because at least half the first round picks will be busts. He can say whatever he want and it is taken as fact and he is always considered a “genius”. Nobody faults him 5 years down the road and blames him for a player being a bust. Fuck that.

2:55 - Jacksonville with a trade now, moving from 26 to 8. Damn! This will be costly. I’m sure it’s for Derrick Harvey because they need a DE. I don’t really know that much about him, I need Young Swole here to convince me that because he is in the SEC he is a first ballot Hall of Famer.

2:56 - At this point, I don’t really give a shit about the rest of the draft. The Colts don’t have a first round pick and I got to see the top 5. Now all I want to do is think about where I am going to draft McFadden in my fantasy draft. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to wait to see how the Lions fuck things up.

3:00 – Awkward conversation between Mel Kiper and Chris Berman about the Ravens intention and whether they will be able to get the next good QB. Berman, you cannot argue with that hair. Thank God Mort finally interrupted. I wish they would all just all fall over dead.

On another note: ESPN has a lot of great talent (Tony Reali, Michael Smith, JA Adande, Mike Greenberg), but they totally under use these guys. How much longer will people really tolerate back- back- back- back- back- back- back- back-GONE! I stopped about 5 years ago.

3:01 – 2 for 2 in predictions, as Harvey goes to Jacksonville. Good thing I am listening to what Mel is saying. I kind of agree with him though, this may be a slight reach. He seems kinda fat. Peyton isn’t worried, so I am not worried. Go Colts!

3:03 – Well that didn’t take long. The “Bungals” got their #1 choice in Keith Riversm and it only took them about 2 minutes to decide. Damn, that sucks. Going from a Super Bowl contender in USC to a bottom dweller in Cincy. Wait, the Trojans aren’t in the NFL? Does it matter that they could probably win the NFC? No, ok, fine then.

3:07 – Cincinnati fans do not look pleased.

3:08 – The Ravens got the farm on that trade. A 1st, 2 3rds, and a 4th just so the Jags can move up. Worth it?

3:09 – ESPN has this feature called “Fan’s Grade” where they grade players vs. Mel Kiper. I think that fans have given an A to every player thus far, proving that the average fan knows everything.

3:09 – Pats are up again. I bet they trade again, because they are a bunch of back-stabbing, sneaky fucking bitches.

I hate them with a passion.

3:12 - So get this. Last year, Adrian Peterson, drafted 7th overall, made $17 million in guaranteed money. Meanwhile, 1st overall, JaMarcus made $32 million in guaranteed money. Hmmm. Let that stew in your brain for a little while.

3:14 – Actually, I bet the Pats take a QB. They need a QB! Please QB! QB! QB! Dammit! Jerod Mayo out of Tennessee, some linebacker, in an obvious attempt to get this team “young” again. I am on to you Belichick.

Whoooooo gives a shit. I am starting to like the Jets a little more now. They booed Goodell out of the house when he came up to talk about the Pats. I pledge an allegiance between Colts and Jets fans alike against the New England Patriots. Actually, anyone can join.

3:16 – Thank God Brett Favre retired. Otherwise I would hate Berman even more. Oh God. He just said the Pats will get flagged next year a lot for “Holding the Mayo”. Kill me now. Just note that I hate Chris Berman. I won’t even say it again, but I hate him with the fire of 1,000 suns.

“You’re with me, leather!”

3:17 – Up next is Buffalo. To be honest, if I were in the AFC East, I would start being worried about the Bills. I think this is one of the up and coming teams in the NFL. They might have found the QB of the future in Trent Edwards, have great weapons in Lee Evans and Marshawn Lynch, and that defense showed some potential last year. Still, they have got to shade up that defense here a little or go after another WR to help out Lee Evans. They just showed Devin Thomas get a cell phone call. STOP RUINING THIS ESPN!

3:18 – Bills go defensive and get Leodis McKelvin out of Troy. ESPN fooled me. Hmm. They definitely needed a CB and this guy has the instincts and speed to do it, but he’s only 5’10” and apparently he has bad hands. Oh well, if he had good hands, he would be a WR, hahaha, right Berman? No? Eh, go fuck yourself.

3:20 – I think Aqib Talib was a better choice, but apparently he has a little bit of character issues. So he smokes a little pot here and there. D-Fad has 2 kids, brothers in gangs, and fights at piano bars. And your biggest worry about this guy is that he will eat too many Doritos and maybe hyperextend his thumb playing Wii. Get real. If I were a GM, smoking a little sticky icky would not be considered a negative on character issues, but rather a positive as a definite good time in the off season.

NOTE: We do not condone smoking marijuana here at Gimme Dat Brew. Nope, never. No smoking pot.

3:23 – Our next OT is off the board, Ryan Clady, who looks like a bigger Laurence Maroney. So Cutler won’t get sacked 54 times next year. Maybe on 40! Why did they not go WR here? Who exactly is Cutler going to throw to? Didn’t they lose Javon Walker?

3:26 – Panthers time. I think they are set at QB. That Vinny Testeverde is the QB of the future. I have no idea what the Panthers are going to take. To be honest, they will probably take an OT or a QB. But it seems early to take a Joe Flacco or Chad Henne. Maybe a trade?

Here we go – Jonathan Stewart? Hmm, so they got rid of DeShaun Foster to get rid of the tandem, and they get Stewart to create a tandem. Probably a little early for Stewart, but only time will tell. This kind of hurts Lions fans (sorry Swole and Knuckler) as they were rumored to be in the running back market.

3:28 – It’s time for the Bears. I am actually kind of excited to see if I can hear people around me screaming in anguish or cheering in admiration. My prediction – Rashard Mendenhall and cheering in admiration (which makes me sick. Fuck the Bears).

3:32 – There is nothing like watching the draft in HD. It just makes things THAT much more tolerable.

3:34 – Come on Bears. It’s simple – QB or RB. Pick your poison. My guess is that if the Bears do take a RB, all this is going to do is inspire Benson to actually play like a 4th overall pick. Hmm, possible fantasy sleeper?

3:36 – Herbie makes an interesting point. Mendenhall hasn’t really had a lot of carries in college, so, in his opinion, he has all of his football ahead of him. Really? Wouldn’t you be a little concerned by this, that his talents area really small sample size and maybe he can’t handle the full season? Who knows. But here we go, the pick is… Chris Williams, OT from Vanderbilt. Hmmm. Probably not the pick everyone in the Second City wanted, but who likes them anyway? Maybe someone can write and sing a song for Bears fans?

3:37 – Oh god, the Lions are up! Hell yes! I’m gonna pour out a drink now for my compadres here at GDB a little early. Actually, pictures speak louder than words:

3:39 – Maybe if I start the chant, it’ll catch on. Mill-en! Mill-en! Mill-en! The “smart pick” is probably an OT or OG here. Or maybe Mendenhall. But there hasn’t been a WR drafted yet, so everyone is on pins and needles.

3:41 – God, good point by Steve Young. The Lions currently have the best QB in the NFC North in Jon Kitna. Are you serious? The NFC East has Romo, Manning, Campbell, and McNabb. And the North throws out Jon Kitna? Almost makes me miss Favre (by the way, Brett Favre watch has told me that we have no heard a single mention of him yet this draft).

3:43 – KC trades up for the pick from the Lions. Interesting. KC then takes Branden Albert, offensive guard out of Virginia. KC is quietly having a pretty good draft. They are really starting to reshape their team. This pick will really help Huard stay on his feet this year, as opposed to his back.

3:49 - Lions get 1st, 3rd and 5th for their 1st and 3rd just for dropping 2 spots. A GOOD move by Millen. Damn. How many GMs are actually making good moves this year? There really hasn’t been a single reach or bad selection thus far (*cough* Ted Ginn Jr. *cough*). God Bless Us All.

3:50 – So the Cardinals are up. I am amazed at how fast Edge James has completely fallen off the face of the league, When he was in Indy, he was a top 3 RB in the league. Now? He is referred to as an aging, but hard runner. Hahaha, you fuck. That’s what you get for leaving us. We’ll go polish our Super Bowl rings now.

3:52 – The pick is in. This team has so much talent, but is just so bad - how is this possible? My guess is RB, but they could easily keep the offensive linemen run going. And they choooooooooose: Dominic Rodgers-Cromartie. I have mixed feelings, but overall, I think this was a safe pick. He is like a Rudy pick since he is from a D2 school. He is my new favorite player in the NFC West.

In other news, I cannot believe how far Talib has fallen! All over a little green. He runs a 4.33 40 and was a 1st team all Big 12.

3:55 - Leos are up. I need to call Young Swole for this one. The Lions choose some fool from Boston College. He is a tackle, so I guess that is a positive. I have no idea what to think otherwise.

Here is what Young Swole thinks: “Well, I guess the intention is now to turn an OT to a WR, because we obviously need a WR with more size”. Well said Swole.

4:02 – MORE TRADING! Baltimore is getting a little antsy about whether they can get a good QB prospect late in the draft, so they trade up to with Houston to the 18th spot to get, what appears to be, Joe Flacco. Hmm. Sorry, but he has bust written all over him.

4:04 – What appears to be Joe Flacco’s girlfriend is madddd beat. I mean, you are a QB, I hope you aren’t hitting that. She will be gone in about 2 months, although I do not know the quality of pussy in Baltimore, but it has to be better than in Delaware.

4:05 – Ok, apparently Flacco throws the ball 74 yards. Well, John Elway once threw a NERF Vortex out of a stadium, so I am not impressed.

4:08 – Philly is up. They boo Santa, they cheer career ending injuries, the question of the draft is how they will react to this pick. It’s wide receiver or bust in my opinion.

4:10 – Another FUCKING TRADE! Carolina is moving up and apparently must be thinking QB or OL. This draft has been wild so far. Carolina moves up to take Jeff Otah out of Pitt – and Eagles fans still find it in their heart to boo. It seems that Carolina is setting up to run the football this year, which, of course, makes PERFECT sense considering that they only have some guy named Steve Smith.

4:13 – Tampa Bay is up and there WILL be a WR taken here. There has to be. There hasn’t been one yet and there are some quality guys on the board. (By the way, the fans gave that pick of Otah an F. Obviously, fans do not like OL picks and would prefer that football be played with 1-Mississippi 2-Mississippi 3-Mississippi).

4:18 – The haul for the Eagles was a 2nd, a 4th, and 1st rounder in 2009. Wow, great haul for the Iggles, risky choice for the Panthers. Who knows. The Colts did it last year to get Tony Ugoh early and it worked out for them (by the way, Keyshawn just used the word “small-ish”. What does that even mean?).

4:20 – The big elephant left in the draft room is if Indianapolis, the obvious favorite to win the Super Bowl for the next year 3 years, will trade into the first round. Ok, not really. And I’m done with talking about the Colts from here out. But there are only 11 picks left and I am bored. So Tampa takes Aqib Talib – ignoring need and going for talent. I think it is a fine pick, as it seems a lot of WRs are going to be available in the next round. He also did play some WR last year, so you never know. Too bad Dallas didn’t draft him – he could have hung out with Josh Howard.

4:26 – Redskins pick #21 – Sean Taylor wore #21. Fate? I predict Devin Thomas. He was projected in the top 20 and he is still available. Why not take a “gamble”?

4:28 – Speaking of gamble, for the Falcons anyways, Washington trades their pick to Atlanta. They have their QB of the “future” so what the hell are they going to reach for here – there isn’t anyone outstanding left on the board. They did lost Alge Crumpler, so maybe a TE? That would be a GREAT selection (insert thick sarcasm here). It will probably be a WR still, but why move up and do that when there will be plenty in the next few rounds.

4:30 – Anyways, the Falcons take Sam Baker, OT from USC. Kirk Herbstreit says “You can never go wrong with a Trojan”. Ok, he didn’t really say that (actually, that is just an important thing to keep in mind on the weekends). Good pick? I dunno. Safe pick? Ya, maybe, but you could have gotten him in the second round. So Atlanta has attempted to solidify its QB, RB, and OL this off season. Not bad.

4:33 – Time for Jerry Jones to make some noise. I am done predicting that a WR is going to come next. The Lions already made their selection.

4:39 – This crowd is HATING on Goodell every time he comes to the podium. Either that, or they hate every team picking. And with that, Dallas takes an Arkansas boy in Felix Jones. WHOOOOOOOO! Stop the presses. Did anyone see that coming? Damn. That was a sleeper pick there. Can we now move on? If Felix would have stuck around for like one more year, he would have probably gone 1st overall. Instead, he opts for the money now. At least he is on a good team.

4:41 – They just showed Mendenhall getting a phone call on his iPhone (greatest phone ever, by the way). He seems happy, but it is the Steelers with the next pick, so I can’t really see this happening here. I mean, seriously. They have different needs, like a WR to please Big Ben or some offensive line help.

4:43 – By the way, did you know that “The Draft Matters”??? In case you didn’t, ESPN is letting you know every 5-10 minutes. Of course the damn draft matters – otherwise, where the hell would all the players come from?

4:44 – AND THE STEELERS DO PICK MENDENHALL! That is definitely a steal, but was that really necessary? Maybe they are trying to go back to “the bus” and Fast Willie Parker tandem. You are telling me they didn’t have any other needs? I mean, seriously? But what do I care, let the AFC teams make themselves weaker.

4:45 – Mel Kiper has said about 10 times that he had Mendenhall as the 10th best player in this draft – so CLEARLY he should have gone 10th because Mel said so. He also said that Ryan Leaf would be the better QB than Peyton Manning and we all know very well how that worked out (by the way, there have been 9 trades in this first round; the record is 15. Let’s do this!)

4:47 – Tennessee is up and I GUARANTEE this will be a WR. This has to be, otherwise Vince Young is going to just absolutely flip out and go all Pacman Jones on their asses and demand a trade to anywhere else. The only question is which one.

4:48 – Keyshawn not afraid to self promote by stating that Tennessee has been looking around for weapons for a while: “That’s why they have been trying to get these weapons as of late. They tried to get me, they tried to get these weapons”. So what you are saying is that they tried to get… you. Oh, and of course “other”, unspecified weapons. The best part was Steve Young behind him with an overall look of shame.

4:50 – With the 24th pick in the NFL Draft, the Titans take Chris Johnson, RB out of East Carolina. EVERYONE is speechless. What the fuck are they thinking?! He did have the fastest 40 time in the combine, which is the be all end all of whether or not you will be the shit in the NFL. Awesome. There are a lot more RBs still available and I don’t know if this was a great pick. Thunder and Lightening again? But I still ask you: Who is VY going to throw to?

4:59 – Trade #10 here. Uhh, again, why? The Cowboys are up to something, but there is no one left on the board that really should blow anyone out of the water. I mean, they have to be thinking CB or WR. So it’s either who will be Pacman’s bitch or TO’s bitch. I bet it’s a corner, as Steve Young so eloquently put it “You cannot trust Pacman Jones”. Thanks Steve.

In a related note, I think the NFL Draft crew has completely broken the record for obvious statements in the first round of the NFL draft.

5:00 – The Cowboys take Mike Jenkins out of South Florida, a corner. That’s what I thought. A pretty good fit. And if Pacman does come back, they will have one of the better defensive backfields in the league.

5:03 – So now it’s the 26th pick and it’s Houston on the horn. This pick is being passed around more than… actually fuck it, just insert some slutty girl you know who gets passed around a lot, as this is the 3rd team to sit here thus far.

5:07 – The Texans take some fool named Duane Brown from VT. He is an offensive lineman. They should have done this about 4 years ago to avoid David Carr being such a busssssssssst.

5:09 – The Chargers are up and this is their only pick until the 5th round. Damn, how did that happen? I’m not real sure what their need is here, but my guess would be a back up for LDT. But I don’t know if that is necessary. Why not shore up that defense? They take Antoine Cason, another CB from Arizona. That now gives them 3 solid CBs on this team.

5:11 – Where are the Hoosiers at, dammit?! They have two first round quality guys in Tracy Porter and James Hardy. Character issues you say? Tracy Porter is a fine, upstanding, and law-abiding gentleman and James Hardy is a, uhh, gentleman. Just don’t talk to his ex-girlfriend.

5:16 – Seattle takes DE Lawrence Jackson. How the hell is it that USC doesn’t even win the national title and still, somehow, manages to get 5 guys in the first round. I hate USC. Pete Carroll obviously pays well too.

5:19 – Next up is the Colts. Oh wait, they traded this pick last year, so this entire draft has bored the hell out of me. San Francisco is up and they take Kentwan Balmer, DT from North Carolina. Why the hell is Phillip Merling STILL on the board? Indy, move up and take him now! Fuck! And sorry SF, but what are you thinking? You ranked last in pass yards, totally yards, and points. Alex Smith is still your QB. You have no wide receivers. Come on fools.

5:21 – Steve Young is bumbling and stumbling to try and justify this pick, saying that they are trying to set up a crushing defense and in due time will set up the offense. Ya, ok, keep trying Steve.

Anyways, the real story here is how smart the Indianapolis Colts are, They traded pick last year to get an OT in Tony Ugoh, not even knowing if they would need him. Turns out, they do, as Tarik Glenn retired and we had a huge hole to fill. Tony Ugoh filled in great in his rookie season. Now look, there was a big offensive line run already in the first round and the Colts would have never gotten one (at least, not without reaching), so another great pick by Tony Dungy and Bill Polian.

Ok, I swear that is the last reference to the Colts here.

5:25 – Trade 11 of the first round. Packers send their 1st to the Jets for the 2nd and 4th. Jets fans are hoping for WR here, and I really hope Devin Thomas goes. He looks near suicidal. Actually, so does DeShaun Jackson. I’m very interested in what happens here. Jets need a WR, RB, and figure out their QB situation. Basically, they need help so I don’t know how they can go wrong here.

5:26 - Great sign by a Giants fan:

“J-E-T-S can S-P-E-L-L”.

Seriously, shut up Jets fans. Our allegiance is over.

5:27 – Actually, in retrospect, I don’t know if they need a WR. They have Coles and an up and comer in Cotchery. So maybe they will take a RB here. Ray Rice is still on the board…

5:29 – The pick is Dustin Keller, a TE out of Purdue. Well, Jets fans seem to be mixed here. He actually seems to be pretty talented, but I am a bit pissed off that a fucking Boilermaker went before my beloved Hoosiers. Oh well, 27-24 bitches!

5:31 – There is now a “Let’s go Giants” vs. “Let’s go Jets” chant battle at the Radio City Music Hall. I’d prefer to chant “Burn in Hell” to every team in the northeast (i.e. Pats, Giants, Jets, Red Sox, Yankees, etc.).

5:35 – Fuck, I just realized the Lakers- Nuggets were playing. Ok G-Men, hurry this shit up.

5:36 – The Giants’ pick is in. RB perhaps? Goodell looks kind of nervous here, wonder what is going on. The Giants take Kenny Phillips, safety from Miami. Ohhhh, that’s why he is nervous. More players from the U.

And there you have it, my best attempt at writing a live draft blog in the same self-appreciating, shit don’t stink manner ala Bill Simmons has worked.

Interesting similarities here between this draft and the 1990 draft. Last year it was a 6.5 hour draft, this year, only 3.5. Not too bad. This was the shortest draft since 1990, when a wide receiver was not taken in the first round. And there was no wide receiver taken in this draft! Oooooo, gotta love symbolism. Anyways, I just wasted 3 and a half hours of my life watching large men walk up to a podium and get cell phone calls. I am going to go do something productive, like hit up happy hour and watch some more of the draft. Have a good one…

GDB Field Update: This just happened at the last minute, but Mort told Keyshawn (apparently jokingly) that he was talking to Parcells about bringing back Johnson to the Dolphins, only he told Keyshawn that Parcells told him he couldn’t do it, as he figured Keyshawn had been eating too much fried chicken. You have to love racial stereotypes, they pop up everywhere.

GDB Reader's Poll

Since we all know those shiny-haired "yes" men at ESPN don't know jack about sports, or at least about sports that aren't played in NY and Boston, we are asking you, the millions of GDB readers, to post replies to a few sports related questions:

1. What MLB pitcher would you least like to step into the batters box against?

2. What MLB hitter would you least like to pitch to?

3. If you could pick any baseball player to build a franchise around, who would it be?

4. What NBA player would you pick to build your team around?

5. If you had the #1 pick in the 2008 NFL draft, who would you have taken??

Friday, April 25, 2008

Weekend NBA Preview

A rather boring first week of the NBA playoffs was salvaged by three teams saving their seasons for the time being by winning game 3 on Thursday. Now all 8 first round series head into high gear this weekend. What is on store, GDB is here to take a closer examination.

Friday's Games:

Detroit @ Philadelphia, 7pm. This is the game that will decide if the Pistons are serious about eliminating the Sixers quickly. They blew them out of the water in Game 2 after half-assing it in game 1. They have to realize that the number 1 rule for a favorite in a playoff series is to prevent the underdog from believing that they can beat you. If the Pistons come out tonight and shut down the Sixers, this will probably be over in 5. If the Sixers can ride the momentum of a rabid home crowd and get a win, then all bets are off. The Pistons usually show up in the games they have to win, and I get the feeling that they really want this one tonight
GDB Prediction: Pistons 96-91

New Orleans @ Dallas, 8pm. No team looked worse in the first 2 games than the Mavs. Chris Paul abused Jason Kidd worse than Jason Kidd abused his ex-wife, and Dirk got hoed on national television by David West. I guess they can look forward to coming home, where they've beat the Hornets 13 times in a row, but it just seems like this team is sick of playing with each other and playing for Avery Johnson. They will probably come out fires raging tonight and win, but Chris Paul is simply too dominant to allow the Hornets to lose again. Mavs win tonight, and then go meekly into the night.
GDB Prediction: Mavs 109-96

San Antonio @ Phoenix, 1030pm. If anyone wonders why the Spurs have won 3 titles in the last decade, just watch the second half of game 2 against the Suns. Not only did Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili run circles around the Suns, but the Spurs seemed to break the will of the entire Phoenix team. There is no doubt the Suns have the talent to beat the Spurs the next 2 games at home, but there seems to be some sort of mental block standing in the way. I thought Shaq would break that when he arrived, but it somehow still exists. The good thing for Suns fans is that soft players play much better at home then on the road, meaning Diaw and Barbosa should play well tonight. I picked the Suns to win this series, and i still believe they are good enough to win all the home games in the series, but there is no chance they have the mental fortitude to win a game 7 in San Antonio. Tonight is desperation time, and they will win.
GDB Prediction: Suns 104-92

Saturday's Games

Orlando @ Toronto, 300pm. The Raptors got off the mat and scored a huge victory last night over the Magic. Much of this can be contributed to Jose Calderon, who is the best point guard in the league that no one knows about. Its no coincidence that the Rap Show plays their best with him distributing the ball on offense, yet for some unknown reason TJ Ford still starts and inevitably bogs down their offense with his ball-hogging. If Calderon gets good minutes, he will tear Jameer Nelson apart and lead the Raptors to another victory. Game 4 will be a good signal of how good this Magic team is. If they come out and take care of business they have to be considered legit. But if they let the Raptors dominate them again, then they have no chance of winning over either the Celtics or Pistons, let alone getting out of this series alive. Frankly i don't think they are ready to put the Raptors away, leading to a very long first round series.
GDB Prediction: Raptors 107-102

LA Lakers @ Denver, 530pm. This is going to be such an awesome game. Kobe basically punked the entire Nugs roster on Wednesday, but will head to Colorado for this one, a place that holds special memories for him. The crowd is going to be ruthless towards him, and the thug-life Nuggets are going to throw the kitchen sink at him and the rest of the Lake Show to prove that they are still the toughest group of ballers in the league. If you want to see a playoff game with some intensity this is the one for you. Kobe is either going to try too hard and end up alienating his teammates in the game, or he's going to play at a Jordanesque level and silence all the Laker Haters in Denver. The Nugs play no defense, but the Lakers have struggled defensively on the road, which means the Nugs will be able to play the type of game they like. Kobe will probably score near 50 again, but one man can't win this game, Nugs take game 3.
GDB Prediction: Nugs 118-103

Boston @ Atlanta, 8pm. All that bogus talk of the Celtics winning 70 games was ridiculous, but this team does remind me of the Bulls in one way. They are cold-blooded and will not miss the chance to eliminate an inferior team as quickly as possible. This is obviously attributable to the The Big Ticket, who is the most enjoyable player to watch in the league this side of CP3 because of his legendary intensity. The Hawks tried to man up against the Celtics this series, but insulting the crowd and cutting faux-hawks into your head isnt enough to stop this Celtics squad. Look for half of the "Highlight Factory" crowd to be wearing green, and look for another dominant Boston performance.
GDB Prediction: Celtics 97-82

Houston @ Utah, 1030pm. Last night's result certainly caught Young Swole off guard, but looking back in hindsight I should have noticed the Rockets ability to win such a huge game. No team has played with more intensity this season in spite of so many injury setbacks, and it seemed like they wanted last night's game more than the Jazz. Game 4 is going to be a different story. Its going to be hard to match that level of desperation again, and the Jazz are going to do everything they can to shut down this Rock Show uprising before something serious gets started. Jerry Sloan will have his team ready to dominate and the Jazz will win in the lock of the weekend.
GDB Prediction: Jazz 111-93

Sunday's Game:

Cleveland @ Washington, 1pm. Look I admire it when players aren't afraid to stand up to superstars, but good lord has DeShawn Stevenson made it hard to root for the Wizards in this series. Between his yayo dance, bringing American embarrasment Soulja Boy to the game, and his hideous beard, Stevenson has turned into an even more annoying version of Bruce Bowen. And while you could count on Bowen to at least provide good defense in big games, does anyone really doubt the fact that Stevenson is going to completely dissapear when the stakes is high? I'd bet my life savings that he's going to put up a 2-13 brickfest in an important game later in this series while Lebron rips out his soul and eats it like how Marwan destroyed the seafood buffet in Myrtle Beach last spring. Game 4 will probably be the closest game of the series, and in close games i am going with King James, and not wack ass DeShawn Stevenson.
GDB Prediction: Cavs 91-88

Thursday, April 24, 2008

When OPEC gives you lemons, turn them into Oil

Ahhh the heady days of spring. Warm weather brings the return of baseball, fly southern ladies looking gorgeous on SEC campuses, and of course the yearly rise in gasoline prices. For years oil prices have risen around this time because of increased demands during the summer months. This year however, has taken the oil price increase to an extreme. With prices of a barrel of crude oil approaching 120$ dollars, the average gas price have increased sharply to an average of $3.50 across the nation. While these prices are finally catching up with the rest of the world average, here in America it is being treated as the apocalypse. Americans won't be able to get to their jobs! Americans won't have enough money to spend on groceries!! Americans need to invest in covered wagons and oxen and restore the Oregon Trail!! While this hyperbole was meant to humorize a very real reality for many poor Americans, it brings up a larger point. Our country has become completely reliant on a finite commodity that was bound to rise in price in the face of war, increased worldwide demand and decreasing resources.

American society has very stupidly bought into the idea that oil was an infinite commodity, and that oil prices would never rise to present levels. American politicians very stupidly allowed this to happen because they were being financed by the giant oil companies. And now because of this, the entire framework of our society is being antiquated on a daily basis. The very people complaining of gas prices are the people who were short sighted when they bought their third SUV, or bought a house 2 hours from their job, or supported a war in the region of the world that produces the most oil in the world. And while we can look back and laugh at these people every time they pay 150 dollars to fill up their Hummer, the true blame should go to the US Government for being so short sighted in case of an impending shortage of oil. Did they not see that population rates were increasing worldwide meaning demand would rise? Did they not see the modernization of countries like China and India which meant that the US would no longer control oil production and distribution? And did it not see the need for alternative fuel sources and modes of transportation in the face of decreasing availibility of oil?

It isnt much of a revelation to realize that oil is running out on our Earth. Major reserves such as the North Sea and Saudi Arabia see decreasing reserves. Closer to home, Alaskan and Venezuelan reserves are also decreasing not because the oil companies are hoarding the oil, but because there simply isnt enough to pump out!! Even that ANWR field in Alaska that Bush and Cheney worked so hard to open up would only supply America with one year's worth of oil at current rates. The bottom line is that there simply is not enough oil to go around, which is precisely why its so stupid to build an economy on its very shoulders. I guess Bush's answer to this was to go to war with Iraq to try and get their oil, but we can all see that its not really going to well and that there should probably have been more ideas considering before choosing the Iraq avenue. Even if the war was going swimmingly, it still doesn't stop the fact that so many more countries in the war are needing more and more oil that the demand would outstrip any price reductions Americans would see from increased oil supply.

Now, as oil prices inevitably rise, we have millions of Americans unable to balance the added cost of gasoline in the face of a very weak dollar. And while it may be idealistic to say the situation can get better, the truth is it really can't. American infrastructure is so woefully prepared for a world with high oil prices, that our economy will continue to falter for the forseeable future. Just wait until United Airlines goes bankrupt in a few weeks, merges with Continental and airline prices rise to astronomical prices to cover fuel costs. Or just wait until trucking companies go bottom up and the prices of all commodities they carry skyrocket. And since so many of our largest business centers and connectibility between these business centers rely on energy-demanding modes of transportation, the present problem will no doubt continue to grow worse and worse. I live near Atlanta and was shocked to see that there really no mass transit at all. Sure there's a few MARTA lines and busses, but there ain't shit for the guy who bought his house in Conyers an hour away from his job and requires his car to get to work. And since local goverments are for some reason so resistant to mass transit, there is no hope of a commuter rail line or comprehensive transit system for 10 years at least. Furthermore, its not just Atlanta with a problem like this. Because of American's desire to move into the leafy suburbs outside their supposedly "dangerous" cities, places like Phoenix, San Diego, Houston, and Dallas among hundreds of others have no real way to cheaply move around the people that create their economic viability.

So what do we do to solve this problem? Well there are a lot of directions on which to turn but Young Swole has identified 4 possible solutions to the problem...

1. Demand government to change their energy position. Its sadly visible how this adminstration coddles to the oil companies, basically Exxon got Bush elected in the first place. But times and situations have changed at it is no longer acceptable for our country to be so hand-tied by one such commodity. Not only is it inherently dangerous in placing our country's well being in the hands of such a volatile commodity, but its also ridiculously short sighted in the face of all the issues we are facing in the 21st century. Until our government chooses to separate itself from its reliance on oil and be able to think for themselves about how to solve these problems, it will continue to destroy our country.

2. Start mass transit programs, like yesterday. It is absolutely mind boggling howAmerica can be so stupid in its ways of moving people. Infrastructure simply cannot keep up with the demands of an increasing population. The best solution is to follow European and Asian models and increase mass transit. Every city should at least have some bus lines to move people around, and larger cities should have an extensive network of rail lines to cheaply and efficiently move people around. Just imagine if Chicago or New York didnt have mass transportation. Would they really be the economic leaders they are today? The answer is no, because those very people who create the economic backbone of these cities wouldnt be able to get any work done because they'd be stuck in traffic all day. Until America realizes that mass transit isn't some hippie Euro bullshit idea but instead an absolute necessity to economic survivability in the 21st century, our nation and economy will continue to quickly degenerate.

3. Learn to rely on sources of energy other than oil. In the face of Earth Day and the oil price saga, large corporations and goverment pay lip service to developing alternative energy sources. Nothing has really gotten done yet because they are not willing to invest the money required to not just create an alternative, but instead a solution to the oil problem. Things aren't getting any better with oil, but it seems like the people in power believe that alternative energy should just be a supplement to oil, instead of becoming the major source of energy for America. What they don't realize is that the entire economy will break down as long as we rely on oil, and that there will be nothing left to spend money on if all we have is money to spend on oil. I guess they don't realize that if a source of energy can be developed in America, we would no longer have to pay exorbitant rates for something like oil and no longer have to get involved in clusterfucks like the Middle East. In fact, if America could find a source of energy that the rest of the world would demand, then it would be able to mend a broken economy and in fact make our country flourish. Dubai was built because the UAE had something that everyone else wanted. I refuse to believe that America is too dumb to come up with a solution if the proper resources are given to those people who can find it, and if we can do this then not only will our present problems be solved, but also America's future will be much safer.

And finally, if America is too stupid to initiate any of the ideas above (which is sadly a 99.9% certainty), and thus inevitably falls behind the rest of the world, then i offer suggestion 4....

4. Buy a bike from my dad. Seriously he's got like 6 of them

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

MLB Power Poll

The Knuckleballer is back like Tim Wakefield for another week of ranking the top 10 teams in Major League Baseball. Without further ado, let's take the current pulse of the league.

1.) Arizona Diamondbacks (15-5)- I see no reason to move this team anywhere. After all, they had the best record in baseball last week, and that fact hasn't changed. Brandon Webb is the game's best pitcher at 5-0 while Dan Haren and Micah Owings are a combined 7-0 (Haren pitches tonight against the Dodgers). It's hard to argue that there's a pitching staff in the majors that can even come close to challenging the D-Backs (not the D-bags).

2.) Boston Red Sox (15-7)- The BoSox currently lead the AL in the standings by a couple of games. Sloppy Big Papi is finally breaking out of his funk with 12 Ribbies in his last 5 games. The Sox haven't lost since my last post, but one thing to keep an eye on is their Starting Pitching. Beckett and Dice-K have each been scratched from starts this week.

3.) Chicago Cubs (14-6)- The Cubbies are as hot as any team in baseball right now cruising on a 5 game winning streak with sweeps over the Pirates and Mets. A big key to the North-siders hot start is the performance of Carlos Zambrano. Remember how bad he was the last 2 seasons to start the year. His era was over 7 in the month of April in 2006 and 2007. This year, he's 3-1 with 27 K's and a 2.67 era. Now if the rest of the rotation can at least put up respectable numbers, this could be a very dangerous team. Luckily, Hill and Lilly both got W's in their last starts after a sluggish first couple of outings. The surprise so far though has to go to Ryan Dempster who has ressurected his career with 3 wins this year.

4.) Milwaukee Brewers (12-8)- The Brew Crew are starting to get their groove back as well with wins in 4 of 6 (both losses were by a run). Their offense hasn't gelled yet, but once they do, it's going to be trouble for NL pitching. Speaking of pitching, the Brewers got some great news this weekend when their young stud Yovani Gallardo came off the DL to pitch 7 strong innings (only 1 ER). Unfortunately, Ben Sheets is having his annual injury time off and he was skipped in the rotation this week. If Milwaukee wants to stay in the thick of the NL Central race, it's imperative that Sheets is healthy for most of the year.

5.) St. Louis Cardinals (13-8)- Once again, it's a triple play for the NL Central as the Cubs, Brewers, and Cards go 3 in a row. There isn't much separation between this trio right now with the Cardinals bringing up the rear only because they haven't been quite as hot this week as the other two squads (5-5 in their last 10 games). The hitting has remained solid with Albert Pujols leading the charge (a scorching .352 average and 4 Jacks so far). However, the pitching is coming back to earth a little bit. Braden Looper has been taken for a loop lately and a starting pitcher hasn't won since Todd Wellemeyer got a W on Friday (although it looks like he's well on his way to another tonight). Although people may call it fluky, the way these Red Birds have played so far, they must be taken seriously.

6.) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (12-9)-
Before dropping their last two games, the Angels had won 6 of 7. If I had done this poll on Monday, the Angels might have slipped in at number 3, but that shows that these rankings are tighter than a pair of Jim Bonfield's pants. The Angels as always are quietly making a stand in the AL West. No one talks about the Halo's because they play their games after San Fran goes to bed, but beware, when John Lackey comes back you aren't going to want to fuck with this team. They'll be tested this week though with series against the Red Sox and Tigers.

7.) Chicago White Sox (11-8)- It's been a full week since the Chi Sox have had a streak of any kind. They've alternated wins and losses every day and it shows that this team is still inconsistent. Sometimes they look like world beaters (see: @ Tampa on Friday) and sometimes they look like a Little League team (see: vs. New York on Tuesday), but you never know which Chicago team is going to show up. It's still early, but this team needs to establish a rhythm if they want to be contenders instead of pretenders.

8.) Florida Marlins (12-8)- The Marlins have been swimming smoothly against inferior competition with wins in 3 of 4 over the Nats and Pirates. Now they need to show that they can compete with the big fish in the sea. They're at Atlanta and Milwaukee coming up and it will be an important test to see if these fish aren't just flashes in the pan...what am I talking about, in a month Florida will be long gone from this list. Hopefully they enjoy this hot start while they can (every Marlin should send Hanley Ramirez a free case of Corona for everything he's done for them).

9.) Oakland Athletics (12-9)- The A's are another team that has a nice little 3 out of 4 win streak going. They probably want to keep it quiet that those 3 wins were over the Royals, but a win is a win. Some interesting stats for Oakland so far this season...Joe Blanton leads the majors in Innings pitching, however he's also given up more hits than any other pitcher so far. It's tough to see this team staying in the hunt when their leading batter is Kurt Suzuki (.319 average) and their best pitcher by ERA is Dana Eveland (1.90). The A's have a total of 8 Homeruns...while Chase Utley has 9 by himself. Glad I'm not an Oakland fan.

10.) Philadelphia Phillies (11-10)-
Speaking of Sir Utley...he helps the Phils land in the 10 spot once again after a ridiculous week in which he hit 6 HR in 6 games. Philly is on a 3 game winning streak and is tied for 2nd in the NL East. Unfortunately, Jimmy Rollins landed on the DL this week for the first time ever. They'll need last year's MVP to be healthy if they want to have any shot at winning their highly competitive division. Either way, there's a shot that Philadelphia could have three MVP winners in three straight years (Howard in '06, Rollins in '07, Utley??? in '08). Hey anything's possible and at his current rate, it doesn't seem unrealistic that he could become the 4th second baseman to win the award. Lastly, how bout Brad Lidge. After a tumultuous past couple of seasons, Lidge has righted the ship with 5 saves and 0 ER this season.

Izzo to the Bulls

The hot rumor of the morning is that Tom Izzo is very interested in taking the vacant Chicago Bulls coaching position. As a Michigan State fan, I think he has to take this opportunity. Not only has Izzo shown he is one of the best ever at the college level, but he is at an age and experience level that this may be his best chance to be successful at the next level, something he has admitted to thinking about before. He has turned MSU into a perennial power in college, and its hard to imagine him being unsuccessful at the pro level thanks to his unique combination of intensity, relatability with players and also innovation. Another intriguing option about the Chicago job is that it is a roster full of players who have played at premier college programs. Give Izzo a team with players such as Joakim Noah, Luol Deng, Kirk Hinrich and whoever they draft this year and i think he could do a great job restoring the team to playoff contention.

It would hurt MSU greatly if Izzo left, but everything points to this being a good move for him. He would still be close to Michigan, in a familiar region where the Bulls fan base would be familiar with his work. If he somehow wasnt successful at the pro level, there would be about 350 college teams that would break the bank to have him come back and coach at their school. If this is truly a dream that Izzo wants to chase, this would be the perfect chance for him to take.