Saturday, January 19, 2008

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

Because the writers are on strike!

I'm not sure how many of you have noticed, since network television seems to be in the throes of death, but t.v. sucks without the writers. That is, everything except Jay Leno, who is writing his own monologue which happens to be quite a bit funnier than anything his retarded writers ever come up with. This brings me to my larger point, its not the lack of writers that makes t.v. funny, it's just important to have SOMEONE writing shows. I'm sure Conan could write monologues that are funnier than anything his writers could pen, but his stubborn refusal to "do jokes" is killing Late Night. For some reason Conan, whose name is pretty prominently attached to the show (and whose career and viability as Leno's replacement are on the line) would rather go down with the ship by supporting the poor writers than to save his own show by writing his own routines. Don't get me wrong, I think Conan's personality and idiosyncrasies are great, but I can only take so much string-attached-to-hips dance and maniacal faces before I need a few real jokes thrown in. That's what makes Conan's craziness so funny: balance between it, and some real topical humor. His show has lost it's balance, and while Conan could recapture it by writing his own stuff (like Jay), he seems more committed to proving a point by supporting the writers, growing a beard, and acting like Young Knuckler off his meds.

But now let me get to the actual point I wanted to discuss here: how can you tell when a late night talk show is really shitty? When the host is by far the most famous person on the show that night. For example, Conan's guests last night were Poison singer and Rock of Love star Brett Michaels, New York Football Giants LB Antonio Pierce, and some horrible band. Don't get me wrong, plenty of mullet-sporting, Firebird-driving dudes probably love Michaels, but Conan was far and away the biggest name on the stage last night. Oh well, I guess that happens when you go from having month-at-a-time contracts to the heir-apparent of the Late Night T.V. Kingdom. I just hope he can survive long enough to claim the throne. Maybe Mike Tyson can appear on the show next week, or possibly Nadia Comanici, since she's no longer tied up to Celebrity Apprentice.

And how about Carson Daly? Last night his guest was Steve-0 from Jackass. Ok, your guests most famous work came on a movie titled Jackass? Who do you think a hip L.A. club is going to clear out the V.I.P. booth for? The dude who single-handedly reinvented MTV, hosts the world's NYE party, played High School golf against Tiger Woods, and used to date Tara Reid and Jennifer Love-Hewitt? Or a guy with his own picture tattooed on his back that staples his ball-sack to his leg? Yeah, tough call, I know.

A More Palatable Post

I'll try to keep my posts penis free from now on. Although this one does involve a huge dick, it does so in the proverbial sense and not literally.

In case anyone gives a dump about The New American Gladiators, I just thought I should remind the world of the greatness that this show once was. I once saw an episode with a contestant named, and this is not made up, Purple Roundy. Not only was that his name, but he had a wicked curly mullet and a mustache. He looked kinda like my man John Oates, one half of the greatest musical duo of all time (if you were thinking Wham, someone should wake you up before you go-go)

The chicks on AG are still amazons, although with much less volume in their hair. They could still rip your dick off and throw that shit in the tall grass, never to be seen again. Speaking of throwing penises in the tall grass, Lorena Bobbit lives in the town of Woodbridge, VA which is where I attended three miserable years of high school. The road that police (or random penis finding volunteers?) found John Bobbit's penis on was the Prince William Parkway and I drove on it everyday clutching my area in self-defense.

But this post isn't about the lovely women of AG. Its actually about Malibu, the greatest douchenozzle to ever grace a television screen. Here is Malibu discussing his injury with Mike Adamle (Csonka was the color commentator in case you forgot).


Binghamton, NY - It was revealed today that Presidential candidate John Edwards, a former U.S. Senator from North Carolina, is the father of T.V. Star and NBC Page, Kenneth Parcell. Parcell is best known for his work in the NBC documentary 30 Rock. It appears to have been revealed by agents of NBC V.P. of Microwave and East Coast Programming Jack Donaghy, who is also a major contributor to the Republican party. His plan to ruin Edwards' campaign, which was already on life-support, seems to have been successful. His spokeswoman released a statement that Edwards was withdrawing from the campaign effective immediately, with a public announcement forthcoming.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Downfall Of The Cowboys

The original video has been deleted, but check it out at this link.

Hitler is pretty upset, and rightfully so. His Cowboys blew it again.

I've been Jerking off on Railroads

Not much to do in the lab today for Young Sweezy, so he is going to cover a variety of topics that have crossed my mind lately:

-There is a guy who laughs in the "Lasagna Cat" episodes on Youtube that never fails to crack me up. He sounds like Woody Woodpecker, chuckling machine gun style, and then out of nowhere his laugh tone jumps several notes higher, helping to drive home the hilarity of the comic.

- Young Sweezy can't believe that no one has mentioned how this AFC Championship game is really a battle for safe sex. One on hand, you have Philip Rivers, who preaches abstinence. On the other, you have Tom Brady, who bangs every bitch within eyesight. If Philip wins, will legs close all over America, preventing unwanted pregnancies and the spread of unsightly STD's? Or if Tom Brady wins, will the panties drop at an unpredented rate across America?

- Commando Monday is overrated. Sweezy used to do that up in Chicago, and while on warm days the ball freedom was especially enjoyable, the majority of conditions led to more uncomfortability then should be tolerated.

- This is a fucked up country when a Mormon is considered the least controversial candidate in the upcoming presidential election.

-Young Swole sees no difference in the actions of Tiki Barber and Terrell Owens. Tiki called out his coach (despite that coach saving his career), and basically said his quarterback was worthless. TO questioned his quarterbacks and coaches over the years as well. Both are highly effeminate and questionably bicurious. So why is it that TO constantly gets raked over the coals, and Tiki is still considered a "nice guy". Young Swole for one is glad to see the Giants doing better without him, he was and still is an ungrateful bitch who seeks the spotlight like Young Porque seeks Giordano's Pizza.

- Southern people are total pussies when it comes to weather. Athens is supposed to get 1 inch of snow tonight. 1 inch. And yet newscasters are hyping it up like an ice age is approaching. Isn't half of Georgia inhabited by transplants from up north anyway? Its hard to believe an entire generation of adults can forget how to drive in adverse conditions in a matter of years. Then again most of them are women, who could never drive in the first place.

- Young Swole predicts within a year there will be a severe collision at a major airport in the United States. There are simply too many planes in too small an area, and sooner or later human error is going to cause a catastrophe. Lets hope that this future disaster will make the airlines wise up and eliminate the pointless flights that crowd our skies and pollute our environment.

- Christians are supposed to be the most compassionate people in the world. Yet they are also the most judgmental people on the face of the earth. What is worse? To believe in God and claim to follow what he says yet do the complete opposite of what he tells you to, or to simply not believe in God in the first place?

- Michael Jordan was an extreme asshole to his teammates, constantly insulting and degrading him. Don't you think that at one point along the road, one of his teammates would have punched him the fuck out, or gave him a Dikembe Mutombo elbow as he tried to drive down the lane, just to prove that they weren't going to take all that shit?

- If a Boston sports fan wandered into a forest and died, would anyone care?

- Pac Man Jones enjoys going to strip clubs. Unfortunately for him, things seem to go wrong for him there. Young Sweezy is thinking of mailing him a tape of the MTV Cribs episode where Big Boi showed off his basement strip club aka "The Boom Boom Room.", so that in the future the strip club will come to him. Seriously, if you were one of Pac Man Jeezy's homeboys, living off his football income, wouldn't you just build a strip club in his basement and import some hoes into that piece, to avoid all the problems that happen when he goes out into public?

- And finally, it is a travesty that Roger Federer was not SI's sportsman of the year in 2007. He dominates his sport like no other athlete we have ever seen. He is so good, that he is only newsworthy when he loses. Meanwhile Brett Favre, wins the award before even finishing his season. Sure he has had a solid year, but if excellence was truly rewarded to those who deserved it, he wouldn't have even been in the top 15. Yet just like everything else in life, SI's sportsman of the year is just a popularity contest. True greatness is never rewarded, it is merely considered an afterthought to the more flashy achievements of the select few athletes the media tries to portray to us as somebody we should root for.

Young Swole is off to drink some brews and holler at some young trim, preferably underage.

The Bulls Are Really Pissing Off Their Fans

Question: Can things get worse for the 2007-08 Chicago Bulls?
Answer: Of course when you have a bunch of retards on your team.

Ok, so JamesOn Curry may not actually be playing for the Bulls currently, but he was drafted by them in the second round this year and represents them on the Iowa Energy, Chicago's D-league affiliates. Well, Curry may have pissed away his dreams of jumping up to the Parent Club this season. The Bull's 2007 second round draft was arrested on misdemeanor counts of Public Urination and Resisting arrest while in Boise, Idaho at 2 am yesterday (did your parents see him Young Swole?). You may remember Curry as the star of last year's Oklahoma State team that won one of the best games in College Basketball History, a Triple OT thriller over Texas. Curry actually got recruited to play at UNC, but they revoked the scholarship when they found out that he was selling Marijuana. Curry vowed never to make off-the-court trouble again. "You learn from your mistakes," he said. A suspension is more likely than his release if the Bulls' fact-gathering corroborates police reports. Those state Curry tried to run when approached by a patrol car, then again when the arresting officer exited and identified himself.
According to police, Curry was arrested after entering a hotel and trying to go through a locked door.

Source: The Chicago Tribune

Power Rankings Without Any Care, Knowledge, or Bias (ok, maybe not the last part so much)...

Inspired by my Hoosiers epic match-up last night, I have decided to shed a little light on the college basketball season thus far. I've never really understood the reason why it was always a "Power 16". Why not a "Power 15, or 20". Well, I figured, screw tradition, I'm doing a "Power 10". Why 10? Well, mostly because I am at work and that is all I have time to do.

1.) Memphis Tigers (16-0)

I don't think there is a single team out there that is playing better "team" basketball than the Tigers. Of course, it helps playing in a weaker conference like the C-USA. None the less, this team has consistently come out and proven it belongs at or near the top of all rankings. Keep in mind they handily put away Georgetown and Arizona back to back earlier this season. A big match-up with perennial mid-major power Gonzaga looms to test this team.

Next 3: vs. Southern Miss, @ Tulsa, vs. Gonzaga

2.) Kansas Jayhawks (17-0)

Other than my utter hatred for the ACC (and more specifically, UNC and Duke), I put Kansas in at #2 due more to UNC's recent struggles to squeak out victories. My biggest beef with Kansas is that they really haven't played anyone of merit other than beating an overrated Georgia Tech and USC teams, but a 30 point drubbing of Oklahoma cannot be ignored.

Next 3: @ Missouri, vs. Iowa State, vs. Nebraska

3.) UNC Tarheels (18-0)

When you are undefeated in a "BCS" conference like UNC is, you just can't rank them any lower than another team with 1 loss (as much as I would like to). Still, the Tarheels are starting to look like a vulnerable team, with wins of only 2 points vs. Clemson, 8 vs. UNC-Ashville, and 1 vs. Georgia Tech. I still like this team's chances to win the ACC, but this team needs to step up the defense (which is allowing a paltry 70.7 PPG) in order to continue dominating in the postseason.

Next 3: vs. Maryland, @ Miami, vs. BC

4.) UCLA Bruins (16-1)

This one was actually tougher than it seems, as this begins the barrage of 1 loss teams that could easily claim to be the 4th best team in the land. Look at the facts: their one loss is to a jumpstart Texas team, they have beaten both Michigan State and (more recently) former #5 Washington State, and they are allowing a ridiculous 56.1 PPG. This week will do wonders to determine if they really are the best 1 loss team in the nation.

Next 3: vs. USC, @ Oregon, vs. Oregon State.

5.) Duke Blue Devils (14-1)

Tennessee or Duke? Tennesse or Duke? If I were to base it solely off last night, I would say UT after they vanquished Vanderbilt. However, Duke's single loss came to Pitt (back when they were fully healthy) by 1 point. Now, I hate Duke as much as anyone else, and I think Greg Paulus has far too much sand in his vag to be playing any type of organized sport. But when you look at the overall resume, Duke is consistently taking out the competition, paving the way for another UNC-Duke battle for ACC supremacy (wa-hoo... FUCK DUKE!).

Next 3: vs. Clemson, @ Virginia Tech, @Maryland

6.) Indiana Hoosiers (15-1)

I know in the section for Duke I was between Duke and Tennessee for the 5 spot, so logically, the other would go in the 6 spot. But you know what, I gotta show some love for my Hoosiers (and it's my power rankings). Other than the undefeateds, show me a team that has been hotter than the Hoosiers, winners of 11 straight, and 3 straight on the road in conference play. The Hoosiers are as deep as any team in the nation, playing tight defense and (normally) smart basketball (we are ignoring 24 TOs last night). The biggest negative at this point is the lack of schedule strength that could hurt the Hoosiers in the long run. A lot of questions will be answered in the next few weeks as IU faces a brutal stretch in early Feb.

Next 3: vs. Penn State (WIN), vs. Iowa (WIN), vs. Connecticut (WIN)

Good Lord, I am so biased.

7.) Tennesse Volunteers (15-1)

Them Vols are playing as well as anyone in the country at this point. A nationally televised BEAT DOWN over Vandy last night will do wonders. And the craziest part about it is that they are doing it without spectacular play from Preseason National POY candidate Chris Lofton. The biggest factor playing against the Vols in these rankings? I bleed Cream and Crimson, not Orange and White. Sorry Tennesse fans.

Next 3: vs. Ohio State, @ Kentucky, vs. Georgia

8.) Washington State Cougars (15-1)

Let's talk about defense. If defense wins championships, than WSU has the title within their grasps. Allowing a dismal 52.1 PPG, this team has been the definition of defensive basketball. I'm sorry, what did you say? Their schedule has been softer than Greg Paulus (I hate that little bitch), complete with a tough two game tour of Idaho (Idaho and Idaho State) and playing more teams with A&T, State, West/East/Northen than schools in the south, this team still has a lot to prove to be considered "elite". They have the chance to do it this week with a rough conference schedule.

Next 3: vs. Oregon, @ Arizona, @ Arizona State

9.) Michigan State Spartans (15-2)

Oh Sparty, what can I say about you. If you were to ask me a week ago who I thought would win the Big 10, I'll be honest, I would have said MSU. Their lone loss was to UCLA in a close, well fought game. Fast forward to now, and I believe that Linas Kleiza scored more points last night for the Denver Nuggets than the Spartans scored against Iowa as a team. I understand it was a conference game, but you cannot expect to succeed in the Big 10 or the NCAA putting up paltry performances like that. I am willing to let it slide for now, mostly out of respect for Tom Izzo and the Izzone, but I need to see some dominating perforamance before I am sold on the Spartans again.

Next 3: @ Minnesota, @ Northwestern, vs. Michigan

10.) Georgetown Hoyas (13-2)

So Georgetown only has two losses, both of which coming to ranked and very good opponents (Memphis and Pitt). So this team is playing at an obviously very high level, right? Uhhh... maybe? Their next toughest opponent would be UConn, where they barely scrapped by with a W. Other than that, they have beaten the likes of American, Radford, Fairfield, and William and Mary. So why am I still giving them the 10 spot? Because I think it is only a matter of time before Mr. Roy Hibbert comes out of his shell and starts dominating the boards.

Next 3: vs. Notre Dame, vs. Syracuse, @ West Virginia

Also receiving votes/respect: Pittsburgh, Texas, the UGA Football team and Knowshon Moreno, Wisconsin, and my ability to drink 3/4 of a bottle of Jim Beam last night and still make it to work on time

Not receiving any votes/respect: Butler (losing to Cleveland St.), Bruce Pearl (and his orange jacket - love the color orange, just not in a jacket), the UGA Basketball team, and Young Knuckleballer

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Let the Misc. Begin

I would like to begin my bloggage by asking "does this blog make me look fat?" This is the place where my emo tears will surely fall on my laptop as I explore what its like being 14 and being the only girl in my school who likes Manson and has black hair and one of those multi-colored necklaces that spells "despair". Because I hate those preppy bitches at PE, always making fun of me because I don't dress out; for one thing, fuck PE and for another my 60 inch raver pants won't fit into my locker so really, fuck you Valerie!!!!!

Seriously though, I got this email today that I thought I should share with you fellers. It included the following pictures with the headline "little details that ruin your photos". If you've seen this before, exqueese me.

Who doesn't take pictures of Mr. Bigglesworth in front of a window while wearing no pants? 

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Boom Goes the Dynamite

How can Purdue be the best school in Indiana when Ball State has "Boom Goes the Dynamite"?! Possibly the worst sportscast of all-time. Add glasses and he's McLovin'. Stick it out till the ending. Pure Gold!

What is the Policy on Regifting Crap?

The NBA announced their list of its best-selling jerseys during the holiday season at its flagship store in New York City, as well as on

The list seems typical at first glance. Kevin Garnett is first, Kobe Bryant slipped to two, and then the usual big names like Allen Iverson, Steve Nash, Lebron James, and the like follow.

Upon further review, there is a problem. Go ahead and click the link. Now scroll down to number 9. I'll wait...

Got it?

No, you're eyes aren't being deceived.

The number 9 spot belongs to... Stephon Marbury?!?!?! Does he still play in the NBA???

That's right, the self proclaimed "greatest point guard in the NBA", in a season amidst throwing punches with Isiah Thomas, not showing up for games, blackmailing his coach, and more or less slipping through the cracks of basketball mediocrity, was able to outsell stars like Carmelo Anthony, Kevin Durant, Paul Pierce, and Tracy McGrady (aren't there like 1 billion people in China? No love for Yao or T Mac).

I guess they took into account all the jersey's Starbury bought himself. Bet I know what everyone in the Marbury family got for Christmas this year!

"Awww man, another Marbury jersey?"

"Yes, but this one is a road jersey!"

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


Ladies and Gentlemen of the civilized world, an article was recently published by Sports Illustrated: On Campus that could easily be described as the most disgusting and shameful list of lies and perversion in the history of mankind. Except it is worse than that. Read the filthy thing here:

That probably took you about an hour because you had to run to the toilet and puke your guts out a half-dozen times. Let's examine a few of the outrageous assertions this "story" makes, then talk about how terrible and untrue they are.

1. "Purdue is the best college in Indiana and one of the top universities in the nation." OK I won't pretend that IU is the Harvard of the Midwest, but SI says this about Purdue even after mentioning Notre Dame, clearly the finest academic institution in the state. True fact.

2. "Best Place to Watch a Game: Buffalo Wild Wings" Ha ha ha...this would be funny if it wasn't so sad. You go to a BIG TEN institution and the best place in town you can go to watch a game is some B-Dubs probably built eight months ago that has too many fluorescent lights. There are at least two-dozen places in Bloomington that are better than B-Dubs. And sometimes I don't even mind B-Dubs. Just not for a big college game in the town where the college you're rooting for is located.

3. "Best Pizza: Mad Mushroom" Again, funny if it wasn't so sadly pathetic. There's Mad Mushrooms in Bloomington and while their cheese bread is probably the best thing you can imagine when it's four a.m. and your wasted, I don't know anyone that would touch their pizza with a ten foot pole. Didn't even know they made pizza, actually. And again, there are at least a dozen places in Bloomington that serve way better pizza. Homeless people don't even eat Mad Mushroom.

4. "Best Sports Team Nobody Talks About: Girls Golf" Is that the best you can do? Girls golf? They've never even won a NCAA Championship for cryin' out loud!! If this were IU we were talking about, you could look at the Soccer team (which is huge but still always overshadowed by basketball), Women's Tennis, and Swimming. All are wildly successful yet very under-the-radar.

5. Their Fight Song "Hail Purdue" is "the best collegiate fight song in the nation, hands down." This is where you should start to be realizing the dude that wrote this is a meth head. What about "Hail to the Victors" or the Notre Dame Victory March? There are so many more songs worthy of that title, it boggles my mind.

6. "with Purdue leading both sports' series records (107-83 basketball, 68-36-6 football), some wonder why Purdue calls it a rivalry. Aren't they supposed to be a lot closer? Guess not."

ARRRGHHHHHH. Those are fighting words!! How can there be a rivalry when FIVE NCAA banners hang in Assembly Hall and wherever the hell the Boilermakers play is EMPTY!! Nobody remembers the regular season, it's all about those championships. Pop bottles.

7. "Best Place to Study: John Hicks Undergraduate Memorial Library"

Thank you Captain Obvious.

8. "Best Spring Event: Gran Prix: An annual event that started back in 1958, this 50-mile, 160 lap go-kart race that happens every April is a lot better than Indiana University's boring bicycle race."

OK That is IT!!! Let's go burn West Lafayette TO THE GROUND!!!

Three's Company

The Republican Party is finding itself with the third winner in as many primaries tonight, as Mitt Romney has rejoined the GOP race for the White House. By winning his first state of the primary season, Romney's campaign, deflated after a loss in New Hampshire, now has fresh wind in its sails. Romney's win is a setback for Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), who hoped to carry the momentum he won last week in New Hampshire into Michigan, a state where he beat George Bush in the 2000 Republican primary. But the state was Romney's to lose, considering he was born and raised here, not to mention his father was once the state's governor. Plus Romney, sensing his candidacy was teetering on the brink of collapse, diverted resources from the next primary states, like South Carolina and Florida, to get a W in Michigan that would reinvigorate his campaign.

So what now for the Republicans? No one has emerged as a favorite, and a couple of very viable candidates have yet to win a primary.

For Romney, his win-or-go-home strategy in Michigan has to play out like he is hoping it will, with the momentum of victory making up for pulling money and resources out of the next primary locations. I'm not sure he can outright win any of those, but strong second or third-place finishes will keep him in the hunt right through Super Tuesday on February 5th, when 28 states hold their primaries, and where he could win enough states to keep campaigning or possibly emerge as the front-runner. And since he is the only candidate that has committed any kind of time or resources to Nevada, he should score an easy win there.

Although John McCain has a New Hampshire win under his belt, he has to be disappointed not to win Michigan. He did win it in 2000, and Michigan is a state that allows anyone, even registered democrats, to vote, so many people predicted independents and democrats would cross over and, since they supposedly favor McCain, would help him claim victory. That doesn't appear to have happened, however. The reason for this is unclear: Is McCain's popularity with non-Republicans overblown? Or was the impact they would possibly have on the results what was overestimated? Either way, McCain polls well in the next primary states, and is still very much a factor. The funny thing is that his campaign was all but dead this past summer, with staffers being fired or quitting by the bus load, and the donations trickling to a near halt. Fortunately for him, the campaigning starts about twenty years before the actual voting so he had plenty of time to pick himself up and start again.

Oh Mike Huckabee where art thou? The man who captured the hearts and souls of conservative, Christian America hasn't gone anywhere, I assure you. A guy who nobody took seriously three months ago has finished third in the last two primaries, states where he didn't campaign very much until he won Iowa and realized he actually had a shot at this thing. And guess what state holds the next primary? South Carolina, aka the conservative, Christian ex-minister candidate's dream state. It remains to be seen what, if any, effect the Michigan results will have on the poll numbers, but Huckabee looks to have a very legit shot to win in South Carolina, which coupled with any type of showing in Florida or Nevada means the sky is the limit for the Huckster.

Oh and by the way there are two more candidates that people might have forgotten about: Rudy Giuliani, who had all but won this thing a couple months ago, and Fred "Droopy Dog" Thompson, who is as committed to running for President as I am to visiting a vegetarian all-you-can-eat buffet, yet still has a presence in the polls and support that cannot be overlooked.

It's true that Giuliani only received three votes in Iowa, and didn't finish strong in either of the last two contests, but this is because he has been focusing on Florida, a delegate-rich state that is right before Super Tuesday. A win there is worth as much two of the previous primaries combined, and showing up big there puts him right in the national spotlight before the most important day of the year for these guys (except the two that have another election to look forward to in November). Rudy also stands to benefit in states that allow all voters, not just Republicans, to vote. He is the most liberal Republican left, so voters that want a strong national defense candidate, maybe a tax cut or two, but still favor abortion and Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, will have a very attractive option. Look for him to re-enter the conversation in Nevada.

And as for Fred Thompson, what the heck is this guy's deal? He seems to have all the energy and enthusiasm of a couple of my former roommates who reside on Fat Boy Blvd. His campaign schedule in Michigan forthe days leading up to the primary was about as empty as Wesley Snipes' piggybank, considering his opponents were putting in 20-hour days. But he still has a shred of hope in South Carolina, a state that shares many of his opinions, especially those favoring slow-paced living. So a surprise win there, or possibly even a strong second place finish, could resurrect his campaign. But I very seriously doubt that.

Interesting Side Note: Not many people talk about Ron Paul, but the guy is still raking in crazy amounts of cash, mostly through the internet. This libertarian-in-republican's clothing has rejected the idea of doing so, for now, but if he were to run as a third-party candidate he could be very dangerous to the Republican party. As someone who is very strongly opposed to immigration, hates taxes, and yet openly opposes the war in Iraq, he could siphon off precious votes that will be needed badly for the Republican candidate hoping to defeat Barack or Hillary.

Monday, January 14, 2008

NBA Power Rankings

Big week in the Association, lets take a look and see how the teams size up.

1. Boston. 30-5. A rough week for the men in green after last Saturday's triumphant win in Detroit. Despite 2 weak losses, Boston still has by far the best record in the league and should get 3 wins this week.
Opponents this week: Washington, Portland, Philly

2. Detroit. 28-10. The East's other big team lost an awful game to the Knicks, but they players admitted they had nothing left in the tank after taking on 3 premier opponents in 5 days. Opponents this week: Toronto, Sacramento, @Chicago

3. Dallas. 26-11. Mavs have quietly won 7 straight, and are moving up in the West thanks to major injuries to their main rivals. Mavs play a lot of Eastern Conference teams in the next few weeks and could really go on a run.
Opponents this week: @Sacramento, Seattle

4. San Antonio. 24-11. Spurs have been mediocre lately, mostly because of injuries to their big 3. Now all are playing again, so expect them to find their groove again soon.
Opponents this week: Philly, Cleveland, @Houston

5. Phoenix. 26-11. Suns won 3 out of 4 last week even without Grant Hill, Steve Nash and Shawn Marion in some of the games. Maybe the injuries will force more bench players to get involved, especially Boris Diaw.
Opponents this week: @LA Clippers, @ LA Lakers, Minnesota, New Jersey

6. Denver. 22-13. A team really starting to find its identity. If they can find consistent point guard play, the Nugs could really make a push for the NBA finals in a wide open Western Conference.
Opponents this week: @Charlotte, @Atlanta, Utah, Minnesota

7. New Orleans. 25-12. Hornets have won 10 and their last 12 and play 7 of their next games at home. Could they possibly have the West's best record at the end of this stretch?
Opponents this week: Seattle, Charlotte

8. LA Lakers. 25-11. If Andrew Bynum wasn't going to be out for the next 8 weeks, this team would probably be in the top 3. They have been playing the best hoops in the NBA the past month.
Opponents this week: @Seattle, Phoenix

9. Portland. 22-13. In the midst of a huge eastern road trip. Its imperative for the Blazers to survive this trip without losing the position they've worked so hard to achieve
Opponents this week: @New Jersey, @Boston, @Miami, @Orlando

10. Orlando. 23-16 The Magic Bus really needs Jameer Nelson to play like he did the first month of the season. They can look awful if they point guard play isnt productive.
Opponents this week: Chicago, @Charlotte, Portland

11. Golden State. 22-16. Another western squad on a big east coast trip. Monta Ellis is really beginning to step up his game which could make a huge difference for the Warriors in their playoff push.
Opponents this week: @Minnesota, @Indiana, @Chicago, @Milwaukee

12. Utah. 21-17. Jazz getting back into the groove, having won 5 of their last 6. Thursday's night game against Denver is a huge battle to see who will win the Northwest Division
Opponents this week: Milwaukee, @Denver, LA Clippers

13. Toronto. 20-17. Raptors got pounded at home by 16 to the Pistons 2 weeks ago, lets see if they can play any better Monday night in the Palace.
Opponents this week: @Detroit, Sacramento, Atlanta, @Philly

14. Cleveland. 19-18. Lebron was caught driving his ride 101 mph this weekend. He didn't get a ticket because he told the cops he was trying to get away from Damon Jones.
Opponents this week: @Memphis, @San Antonio

15. New Jersey. 18-18. The Nets finally seem to be rounding into form, about 2 months after everyone thought they would. Jason Kidd still keeps fucking around and getting triple doubles.
Opponents this week: Portland, NY Knicks, @LA Clippers, @Phoenix

16. Washington. 19-16. The Wiz is still surviving admirably without Gilbert Arenas. Win over Boston on Saturday could be a huge confidence builder going forward.
Opponents this week: @Boston, @NY Knicks, NY Knicks

Young Swole's Player of the Week
Chris Bosh not only makes the best commercials since Charles Barkley pimped it for Right Guard, but he's also showing that he deserves to be a big part of the Eastern Conference All-Star team with his play as of late. Bosh averaged over 30 points and 10 rebounds to help lead the Raptors to a 3-0 record for the week.
Young Swole's Jackass of the Week
To the TV executive at ESPN who decided that America still wants to see the Miami Heat play twice a week. Young Swole would rather watch The Sound of Music, in German, than watch this god-awful team play. Its not like we were forced to watch the Bulls play once they turned awful, so why should the Heat be on television when they've lost 8 straight games and have a worse record than the New York Knicks?
5 Big Games this week
1. Utah at Denver, Thursday. Both teams playing good basketball in the west play for divisional supremacy as well as playoff positioning.
2. Phoenix at LA Lakers, Thursday. The Lakers have dominated the Suns in their two meetings so far this season. Thursday night's game will be a good test to see how the Lakers will play without Bynum in the middle.
3. Toronto at Detroit, Monday. Chris Bosh and Rasheed Wallace match up in a battle of 2 of the best power forwards in the league today. Can the Pistons bounce back from their awful performance in New York last night?
4. Portland at Orlando, Saturday. Two of the most exciting, up and coming teams in the league face off in central florida. Brandon Roy and Dwight Howard will probably be matching up in the finals before too long.
5. Golden State at Indiana. A hidden gem for all the NBA fans like Young Swole who love to watch teams who run and gun all night long. Early Prediction, Warriors 131-127.

Nicole Vaidisova is one bad bitch

Terrell Owens Crying

Wow. This is a huge turnaround for TO. Was it real? It's tough to say, but at least he's not pointing the finger. Either way, what a blubbering baby. This is the biggest drama queen in all of sports.

NFL Playoffs Round Two Recap

What an outstanding weekend of Football. Those were some excellent games and this post-season is turning out to be one of the most exciting ones in recent memory. Before we recap the games, let's take a look at the GDB Pick'em results.

Young Knuckleballer- 3/4 correct
Young Swole- 2/4
Young Cicero- 2/4
Young Porque- 2/4

So, the only game that was picked differently (the Giants game by me) turned out to be the swing match. It's nice to get that one right after getting last in Round 1. Alright, onto the Recap.

Packers 42 vs. Seahawks 20

Game-Changing Play
...When Ryan Grant decided to start hanging onto the ball and scored his first touchdown. The Seahawks jumped out to a 14-0 lead after Grant fumbled twice in the first quarter, but once Grant got used to the big stage and the snow globe at Lambeau Field, he and the Packers took over the game and scored 3 Touchdowns in a row.
It was over When...Grant got his second TD of the game and put the pack up 11 right before the half...Seattle would get no closer.
Goat of the Game...Sean Alexander. What happened to this guy. He was dominant last year and before that just two years ago had 27 TD's in 2005 (then a record). This year he had only found paydirt 4 times during the regular season and once (plus just 66 yards) in two post-season games.
Hero of the Game...Gotta give it to Grant. The Rookie RB finished with 3 TD's and 201 rushing yards! He is an even bigger out of nowhere surprise this year than MJD was last season. Brett Favre also had 3 Endzone strikes, but he only had 174 yards through the air. How often does a RB get more yards than his QB?
Final Thoughts...This was the most lop-sided game in the entire second round and a big part of that was the fact that Seattle was the worst team left. After the Pack gave them gifts early on, they just couldn't hang. The Seahawks have never allowed this many points in the postseason, but then again Green Bay is just firing on all cylinders right now and may be the second best team left.

Patriots 31 vs. Jaguars 20

Game-Changing Play...
The game was tied after half-time, but the Patriots broke it when Tom Brady basically had an eternity to find Wes Welker in the end zone to put New England up 21-14. Jax wouldn't get within four points the rest of the game.
It was over when...Kicker Stephen Gostkowski nailed his only Field Goal of the game midway through the 4th from 35 out to put the Pats up 2 possessions. Jacksonville couldn't mount anything after that.
Goat of the Game...I'm torn between a couple people. I can't say Garrard, because he fought valiantly and played much better than he did against the Steelers last week. The defense wasn't great, but then again, who is against the Patriots. I'll go with the running game. Specifically, Fred Taylor. MJD wasn't great, but he didn't have enough opportunities on the ground and he was moderately effective as a receiver. For the Jags to win this game, they needed Taylor to have a Pro-Bowl like performance. It didn't happen. He rushed for just 47 yards on 13 carries with no Touchdowns. At least he gets to go to Hawaii as an alternate. I still like the guy, he just didn't step up when it mattered most.
Hero of the Game...Surprise, Surprise. Tom Brady. The Golden Boy. How can this guy not win this award. He was invincible. The man only misfired on 2 passes all night! He started the game 16/16 (a single game post-season record) and He broke Phil Simms' single game playoff record for completion percentage by finishing 26/28. The 262 yards were pedestrian for him, but I'm not complaining about the 3 TD's and no INT's. He's gotta keep this up, but I don't see how anyone can deny that this is the single greatest season for a Quarterback EVER if he wins a Super Bowl.
Final Thoughts...The Jaguars put up a valiant effort, but c'mon you can't stop these Pats. Ever see that movie "Angels in the Outfield". There was a sequel called "Angels in the Endzone". I'm pretty sure this New England team has angels working for them because I can't explain it any other way. By the way, where the hell was Randy Moss today? Smoking the green with Sticky Icky Ricky or something. 1 catch for 14 yards, now that's just pathetic. Luckily his cohorts picked up the slack. Props to Ben Watson for his 2 TD's.

San Diego 28 @ Indianapolis 24

Game-Changing Play/It was over when...
Billy Fucking Volek snuck into the endzone for the game winner with under 5 minutes to play in the game. Peyton and company couldn't get back on the board in two drives after that.
Goat of the Game...Joseph Addai. He was horrible today. Part of that could be blamed on injury, but he was just boo-urns all game. Addai couldn't break tackles, and really put a strain on the passing game. The Goat Play of the game might go to Marvin Harrison who had a 30 yard catch that was ruined by a fumble lost when he tried to spin. The momentum completely shifted San Diego's way, and instead of going up 14-0, they found themselves tied.
Hero of the Game...Antonio Cromartie. He had an Interception that should have resulted in a touchdown just before the half if not for a bogus holding play that negated the run back and a fumble recovery. On top of that, Manning had to avoid his side of the field because Cromartie is such a dangerous presence. This guy has become the best Defensive player in football this year. He has 11 picks on the season and he is scary Mofo.
Final Thoughts...Talk about a shocker. My colleagues and I all thought the Colts would absolutely lay the smack down on the league bitches known as the Chargers. Unbelievably, multiple things happened to ensure a San Diego victory today. First of all, Addai didn't show up. That's already been established, but on top of that, the defense was very weak on Indy's end. The Colts D had been daunting all year, ranking near the top of the league in most categories, but today the Chargers had their way...with backups no less. That was the most unbelievable thing. No Phillip Rivers, No LT, no problem. Volek was mediocre, but Darren Sproles and Michael "The Burner" Turner both stepped up admirable in place of Tomlinson. Sproles had a wicked good run down the sidelines for a touchdown...he is the Speedy Gonzalez of San Diego. I also agree with Cicero, Rivers has no class. I'd love to see him get his ass kicked...and he will soon enough when the Pats linebackers crush him like a bug next week. He isn't going to be able to shit right for a month (i stole that from Bad Santa). One more thing, everybody was pissed that Marti Schottenheimer got fired when he lost last year in their playoff opener, and Norv Turner was getting mad shit for slacking early this year, but now he's won 2 playoff games. Maybe Chargers GM A.J. Smith made the right call. Seriously though, the Chargers have no chance of competing in that game next week.

New York Giants 21 @ Dallas 17

Game-Changing Play...
Brandon Jacobs rumbled in for a TD from 1 yard out to put the Giants up by 4 at the beginning of the 4th quarter and proceeded to disrespect the home crowd by throwing the ball off the Play Clock. What an angry man. Last week he growled at Tampa Bay Fans after scoring his second TD of the game. That guy has anger management issues, but hey, if he keeps scoring, fans won't complain.
It was over When...Tony Romo threw a pick in the end-zone with 15 seconds left in the game from 25 yards out. This was a nail-biter of a game that went right down to the wire.
Goat of the Game...Romo. He has yet to prove that he can step up in big games. He's similar to A-rod. Awesome in the regular season and a bum in the post-season (although Romo has to do this consistently for many more years before he can be on R0driguez' level). He only had 1 Touchdown pass, but you gotta fault some of his receivers for key drops like Patrick Crayton's bumble midway through the 4th that could have put them into Giants territory. It doesn't matter though, Romo is know what.
Hero of the Game...Eliiiiiiii. Wow, 2 weeks in a row for Manning? Who would have thought that there would be a Manning in the Conference Championship game and it wouldn't be Peyton. The younger brother threw 2 TD's (both to Amani Toomer...the first one was a spectacular run after catch by the old geezer) and once again NO INT's. In fact, until the last play of the game, there were no Turnovers at all in the contest. Eli didn't do anything spectacular, but he did limit his mistakes which is something he hasn't been able to do in the past.
Final Thoughts...Who saw this one coming?? Oh yeah, me!! If you want, you can read my "Alone on a Giant Island" article if you haven't already. I wrote it on Saturday and discussed why I thought the G-men were gonna win this game. The Fools out there are going to bring up "jessica simpson and mexico, etc.", but Romo said it himself earlier in the week. "If we lose this game, it has nothing to do with me taking a trip or any of that stuff, it will be because they played the better game." That's pretty much dead-on. They were outplayed. Both of the other contests between these two squads were close this year, with Dallas coming out on top in both regular season games. The breaks just fell right for the New York Football Giants in this one, and they move on to play the Pack which should be a highly entertaining game in Lambeau next Sunday.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

They Blinded Me With Science

I seriously doubt that I was the only one who was blinded by the science of the Indianapolis Colts offense. Somehow the temporary blindness of Manning's insane arm and array of receiving threats convinced me that they wouldn't lose to the team that was the most poised to pull off the upset this weekend. San Diego already beat Indy this year one time. And sure it happened right after the Colts' close loss to the Juggernaut known as the Patriots, but don't teams that lose close ones usually have huge bounce-back games? Aren't the Bolts, featuring the same cast of characters that beat them today, the squad that spoiled Indy's run at perfection two years ago, sending them from 13-0 to 13-1? We should have seen it coming. But we didn't. We were blinded by the scientific insanity of Peyton's arm, which still managed to shock and awe me even on their last two drives, just throwing bullet after bullet. But it was those other parts, that I assumed would do enough to win, that let Indy down: the Running game (aka Joseph Addai) and the Defense. The Chargers punted only three times, and Addai ran for exactly forty-three yards. Meanwhile, Billy Volek looked exactly how a backup QB should today: Slow and steady, which always wins the race, not to mention very mistake-free. And even without LT, the man-bear known as Michael Turner punished Indy's front four to milk the clock, gain easy first downs, and keep SD away from dangerous 3rd-and-long situations where Volek and certainly Rivers would have made costly mistakes. Speaking of Rivers, what in the hell is this guy's problem? Did anyone else see him running up to, and showboating in front of, some Indy fans when the clock ran out? Wow that guy is mediocre at best AND has no class. But we didn't see that...we were blinded by an illusion. Congrats to New England, the Lombardi Trophy is all but yours.

There's A New Sheriff In Town

And that Sheriff is the Indiana Hoosiers. Sure, we here at GDB (at least Porque, Cicero, and I) pimp IU on a regular basis, but now it's time to get serious. After Michigan State was upset 43-36 yesterday by lowly Iowa (they tied their low point total in school history), the Hoosiers have moved into the driver's seat in the Big 10. Now I know a lot of haters like to point out how the Big 10 is weak this year...but they say that every year. And Every year, the Big 10 has 2 teams in the Sweet Sixteen. The point is, Indiana has been playing great basketball lately, albeit against weak competition. When IU hosts Illinois today, Eric Gordon is going to make them cry like babies and wish that they had been grimier in trying to keep him. Indiana has a tough stretch coming up starting on January 26 when they host UConn, and from there they go to Wisconsin, Illinois, Ohio State, and then host MSU and Wisconsin in a 2 and a half week span. If IU can get through that gauntlet with 2 losses or less they are well on their way to a top 3 seed in the NCAA tournament. Book it baby.