Friday, January 18, 2008

I've been Jerking off on Railroads

Not much to do in the lab today for Young Sweezy, so he is going to cover a variety of topics that have crossed my mind lately:

-There is a guy who laughs in the "Lasagna Cat" episodes on Youtube that never fails to crack me up. He sounds like Woody Woodpecker, chuckling machine gun style, and then out of nowhere his laugh tone jumps several notes higher, helping to drive home the hilarity of the comic.

- Young Sweezy can't believe that no one has mentioned how this AFC Championship game is really a battle for safe sex. One on hand, you have Philip Rivers, who preaches abstinence. On the other, you have Tom Brady, who bangs every bitch within eyesight. If Philip wins, will legs close all over America, preventing unwanted pregnancies and the spread of unsightly STD's? Or if Tom Brady wins, will the panties drop at an unpredented rate across America?

- Commando Monday is overrated. Sweezy used to do that up in Chicago, and while on warm days the ball freedom was especially enjoyable, the majority of conditions led to more uncomfortability then should be tolerated.

- This is a fucked up country when a Mormon is considered the least controversial candidate in the upcoming presidential election.

-Young Swole sees no difference in the actions of Tiki Barber and Terrell Owens. Tiki called out his coach (despite that coach saving his career), and basically said his quarterback was worthless. TO questioned his quarterbacks and coaches over the years as well. Both are highly effeminate and questionably bicurious. So why is it that TO constantly gets raked over the coals, and Tiki is still considered a "nice guy". Young Swole for one is glad to see the Giants doing better without him, he was and still is an ungrateful bitch who seeks the spotlight like Young Porque seeks Giordano's Pizza.

- Southern people are total pussies when it comes to weather. Athens is supposed to get 1 inch of snow tonight. 1 inch. And yet newscasters are hyping it up like an ice age is approaching. Isn't half of Georgia inhabited by transplants from up north anyway? Its hard to believe an entire generation of adults can forget how to drive in adverse conditions in a matter of years. Then again most of them are women, who could never drive in the first place.

- Young Swole predicts within a year there will be a severe collision at a major airport in the United States. There are simply too many planes in too small an area, and sooner or later human error is going to cause a catastrophe. Lets hope that this future disaster will make the airlines wise up and eliminate the pointless flights that crowd our skies and pollute our environment.

- Christians are supposed to be the most compassionate people in the world. Yet they are also the most judgmental people on the face of the earth. What is worse? To believe in God and claim to follow what he says yet do the complete opposite of what he tells you to, or to simply not believe in God in the first place?

- Michael Jordan was an extreme asshole to his teammates, constantly insulting and degrading him. Don't you think that at one point along the road, one of his teammates would have punched him the fuck out, or gave him a Dikembe Mutombo elbow as he tried to drive down the lane, just to prove that they weren't going to take all that shit?

- If a Boston sports fan wandered into a forest and died, would anyone care?

- Pac Man Jones enjoys going to strip clubs. Unfortunately for him, things seem to go wrong for him there. Young Sweezy is thinking of mailing him a tape of the MTV Cribs episode where Big Boi showed off his basement strip club aka "The Boom Boom Room.", so that in the future the strip club will come to him. Seriously, if you were one of Pac Man Jeezy's homeboys, living off his football income, wouldn't you just build a strip club in his basement and import some hoes into that piece, to avoid all the problems that happen when he goes out into public?

- And finally, it is a travesty that Roger Federer was not SI's sportsman of the year in 2007. He dominates his sport like no other athlete we have ever seen. He is so good, that he is only newsworthy when he loses. Meanwhile Brett Favre, wins the award before even finishing his season. Sure he has had a solid year, but if excellence was truly rewarded to those who deserved it, he wouldn't have even been in the top 15. Yet just like everything else in life, SI's sportsman of the year is just a popularity contest. True greatness is never rewarded, it is merely considered an afterthought to the more flashy achievements of the select few athletes the media tries to portray to us as somebody we should root for.

Young Swole is off to drink some brews and holler at some young trim, preferably underage.


Young Knuckleballer said...

Young Swole, you are the Ralph Wiggum of this blog. Your random thoughts are about as non-sensical as a Mandy Moore Film.

Young Porque said...

Ya, I feel far more stupid from reading this. I would rather read Bill Simmons comparison of the '86 Celtics and '07 Pats.

I want my 5 minutes back.

Young Cicero said...

Very strange stream-of-consciousness rant. Reminds me of LaRussa on Rolen at the baseball winter meetings.