Tuesday, January 15, 2008

BLASPHEMY!!!!


Ladies and Gentlemen of the civilized world, an article was recently published by Sports Illustrated: On Campus that could easily be described as the most disgusting and shameful list of lies and perversion in the history of mankind. Except it is worse than that. Read the filthy thing here: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/sioncampus/01/14/road.trip.purdue/index.html

That probably took you about an hour because you had to run to the toilet and puke your guts out a half-dozen times. Let's examine a few of the outrageous assertions this "story" makes, then talk about how terrible and untrue they are.

1. "Purdue is the best college in Indiana and one of the top universities in the nation." OK I won't pretend that IU is the Harvard of the Midwest, but SI says this about Purdue even after mentioning Notre Dame, clearly the finest academic institution in the state. True fact.

2. "Best Place to Watch a Game: Buffalo Wild Wings" Ha ha ha...this would be funny if it wasn't so sad. You go to a BIG TEN institution and the best place in town you can go to watch a game is some B-Dubs probably built eight months ago that has too many fluorescent lights. There are at least two-dozen places in Bloomington that are better than B-Dubs. And sometimes I don't even mind B-Dubs. Just not for a big college game in the town where the college you're rooting for is located.

3. "Best Pizza: Mad Mushroom" Again, funny if it wasn't so sadly pathetic. There's Mad Mushrooms in Bloomington and while their cheese bread is probably the best thing you can imagine when it's four a.m. and your wasted, I don't know anyone that would touch their pizza with a ten foot pole. Didn't even know they made pizza, actually. And again, there are at least a dozen places in Bloomington that serve way better pizza. Homeless people don't even eat Mad Mushroom.

4. "Best Sports Team Nobody Talks About: Girls Golf" Is that the best you can do? Girls golf? They've never even won a NCAA Championship for cryin' out loud!! If this were IU we were talking about, you could look at the Soccer team (which is huge but still always overshadowed by basketball), Women's Tennis, and Swimming. All are wildly successful yet very under-the-radar.

5. Their Fight Song "Hail Purdue" is "the best collegiate fight song in the nation, hands down." This is where you should start to be realizing the dude that wrote this is a meth head. What about "Hail to the Victors" or the Notre Dame Victory March? There are so many more songs worthy of that title, it boggles my mind.

6. "with Purdue leading both sports' series records (107-83 basketball, 68-36-6 football), some wonder why Purdue calls it a rivalry. Aren't they supposed to be a lot closer? Guess not."

ARRRGHHHHHH. Those are fighting words!! How can there be a rivalry when FIVE NCAA banners hang in Assembly Hall and wherever the hell the Boilermakers play is EMPTY!! Nobody remembers the regular season, it's all about those championships. Pop bottles.

7. "Best Place to Study: John Hicks Undergraduate Memorial Library"

Thank you Captain Obvious.


8. "Best Spring Event: Gran Prix: An annual event that started back in 1958, this 50-mile, 160 lap go-kart race that happens every April is a lot better than Indiana University's boring bicycle race."

OK That is IT!!! Let's go burn West Lafayette TO THE GROUND!!!

6 comments:

Young Knuckleballer said...

This is the funniest shit that Cicero has written since that letter to the editor in the IDS. I'm not surprised that a delusional Purdue Student would write that bogus piece of garbage. He tried to brag about many things, but not the girls at that disgusting university, because they are hideous. We should let that kid meet up with my boy DJ White who would put the hurt on him worse than the Hoosiers will lay down on that sorry basketball team from lafayette.

Young Porque said...

Agreed! I actually just found this article today and was gonna leave my thoughts, but Young BC took the words right out of my mouth. Let's burn those shit smelling sons of bitches to the ground!

-Young Porque

Young Porque said...

Oh, and two side comments here:

1.) Yes, Purdue owns the head to head record in basketball, but the majority of those wins came in the pre-shot clock/before our grandparents were born era. Who gives a shit! The University of San Francisco has more NCAA titles than Purdue does!

2.) Do not get me started on Grand Prix. Do they not realize that we drink more during Little 5 weekend (not including the week of Little 5) than they do the entire year?!?!

ofcc219er said...

How many Kilroys VIP's go to Purdue?

Young Cicero said...

Zero. In fact if people in West Lafeyette tried to pull off some of the shit 'Roy's VIP's do, the entire town would burst into flames.

ashkin11 said...

Yes, Purdue sucks at life. Thank you Captain Obvious.