Well here we are, finally a few hours away from the big game. Young Swole remembers the days when he'd be all amped up for this game, even if he didn't care about the teams. But this year, things are so uninteresting that he's bringing along climate homework, which actually means he cares about school-related matters on Super Bowl Sunday. Why is this game so wack and boring? Lets count a few ways:
1. Everyone hates the Pats. Not only do they always win, but they cheat to win and are referred to as deities all the while.
2. The team facing the Pats, who would usually inspire a great support for the underdog, are the New York Giants. Everyone hates New York fans. Between the Pats and Giants, choosing one to root for is like selecting between a Turd Sandwich or a Puke Reuben for your last meal.
3. These teams have already played each other. Maybe if we hadn't seen the Pats beat the Giants already we'd have more hope in Big Blue.
4. Even if the Giants do win the game, there will still be much more attention payed to how the Pats blew it. The excuses will be more numerous that the falling raindrops in a hurricane. So even if the Evil Pats win, you'll still have to hear all about them at the expense of the Giants
5. Do you realize that in the last football game to be played in 6 months, that we'll have to listen to Joe Buck give us opinion on the Pats greatness and spygate once again? Swole guarantees that this fucker will get on his soapbox long and hard about all the controversy swirling around the Pats, while at the same time forgetting to tell us important things actually happening in the game like player injuries or yards gained on a certain play.
So what do you do to make a terrible super bowl a little more enjoyable? We here at GDB have identified 5 possible events that could make this game much more exciting:
1. Randy Moss scores a touchdown and proceeds to moon Joe Buck, who will hopefully have a heart attack out of pure shock and disgust. In fact, as we remember, for 10's G's Randy Moss might even pull his dick out. This gets a no homo for sure, but if he whipped it out in Joe Buck's face then it would be totally acceptable.
2. Tom Brady gets hurt.
3. If the Pats lose, time how long it takes blowhards like Chris Berman or Shaun Salisbury to jump off the "Pats are the greatest team of all time" bandwagon.
4. Tom Petty lights up a giant spliff during his halftime performance, tells George Bush to go to fuck himself, and then rocks out "Last Dance with Mary Jane"
5. Hope against hope that somehow Fox split-screens the game with hard core nudity!
Well its about time for the Swole One to bounce out. Lets try to survive this game as best we can.