Monday, April 14, 2008

Dr. Burns Field Report - Lawrence, Kansas

Our good friend and correspondent Dr. Burns made the trip up to Lawrence, Kansas for last week's championship game. Here are her thoughts on one of the greatest games in NCAA history as she saw it go down in Jayhawk Country. This is a week late because she only sobered up yesterday to a point that she could type this......

What do you get when you stick 4 Jayhawk biotches in Lawrence for the national championship game? Below are the random thoughts and outbursts of Dr. Burns and her sidekicks: Arthur, Roteste and Norris.

11:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m. – Dr. Burns and Arthur watch the ESPN commentators hate on Kansas all day. Some choice quotes: "I still believe North Carolina is the better team" and "Kansas played great basketball for 30 minutes against the Tarheels, but Memphis plays great basketball for 40 minutes every game." Burns and Arthur ponder: When did ESPN start perpetually sucking Bobby Knight's nuts? I am fine with his input every now and then, but I am seeing entirely too much of that dude.
5:45 p.m. – Norris rolls into Lawrence after driving straight from Dallas by herself. The rest of the crew is convinced that Norris was driving with a diaper astronaut style to make that good of time.
5:48 p.m. – Burns is pissed to see that Norris broke from the master plan and showed up in a Honda Accord rather than a Ford Windstar. Burns: "How are we supposed to sleep in a van down by the river when you didn't bring the van?"
6:20 p.m. -- Someone mentions that the Reverend Jesse Jackson has been hanging out in the Memphis locker room all week giving the team pep talks. Way to pick a noble cause, Reverend. Sorry, but I would rather get a pep talk from Danny Manning than from Jesse Jackson any day.

First Half:
19:04 – Russ Rob block. Fat guy yells out, "They just got blocked by our shortest player!"
17:55 – Sweet dunk by Darrell Arthur AKA Shady. Recently voted player with the best rapping skills by the rest of the team. Although Swole says the nickname Slim Shady is an insult for a black dude to have, Burns still digs it.
16:39 – Enter Sasha Kahn AKA Mother Russia AKA Jaws from Bond. Burns orders a White Russian to pay her respects.
12:05 – That's 2 on Taggart. Norris starts talking mad shit to no one in particular.
11:33 – Alley-oop and Mother Russia throws it down. Burns imagines Mutombo voice: "Who wants to sex Kahn??!?!"
6:40 – Roy is spotted in the stands wearing a Jayhawk sticker. Burns pictures Hansbrough's bug eyes exploding out of his head upon seeing that.
5:08 – Another Kahn dunk. Whole bar starts chanting, "KAHN! KAHN! KAHN! KAHN!"

Halftime: Kansas 33, Memphis 28
- So Co Lime Shots for all. The blog turns mostly into illegible chickenscratch from here on out. Sorry.

Second Half:
14:00 -- Dorsey keeps getting in Cole Aldrich's face. Way to talk shit to a white guy from Minnesota, Dorsey.
12:25 – "Shouldn't they have Elvis as their mascot?"
9:00 – "That's right, Calipari. Clear off your bench."
2:00 – Memphis up 60-51. FUCK. Burns almost starts crying.
1:54 – Dorsey called for his fourth foul. Random guys screams, "That's right! Take that shit back to the streets!!"
0:00 – Beer showers galore threaten to ruin the live blog. But quick as ever, Burns shields that shit.

8:10 a.m. – Dr. Burns wakes up to find that she passed out sitting straight up in the front seat of a Honda Accord with Norris sprawled out in the back. Seems like a raw deal until Burns realizes that the car is parked in a random hotel parking lot. Burns immediately moseys inside to hit up the continental breakfast.


Young Cicero said...

I'm going to be channeling the spirit of William Quantrill to come to Lawrence and burn that mother down. Or at least remind them that 1. their mascot is outlandishly cartoonish and fictional and 2. they need two more titles before they are even in IU's league.

Like that crazy guy from the '72 Dolphins told the Patriots: "Don't call me when your in my city call me when your on my block"

young illiniwek said...

Wow what a bitter post Cicero..

1) Who cares about their mascot?
2) KU has two titles since IU's last title and their success in the last 20 years is staggering compared to IU.

Congratulations to Burns and all KU fans. The pictures and video I saw of the celebration on Mass St. made me very jealous.

dr. burns said...

I hate to break it to you, Cicero, but the only thing even remotely IU that's getting any air time these days is Bobby Knight. So I don't really know if I want to be on your block.

Young Knuckleballer said...

what are you babbling about burns? IU and Airtime are synonymous these days. Even though our season was an utter dissapointment and you guys won the title, I bet if you add up the amount of time that the Hoosiers graced ESPN vs. the Jayhawks, IU would dominate. Between the Kelvin Sampson fiasco and the hiring of Tom Crean (and a few Eric Gordon/DJ White highlights sprinkled in between) we were all over ESPN like a bum on a ham sandwich. You guys had a fun year, but let's remember that before this, you guys had won as many titles over the past 20 years as we had. Have fun rebuilding with Slick Willy Self.

dr. burns said...

Oh, my bad. When I talk of "these days", I'm referring to the Madness. I wasn't seeing too many Gordon/White highlights after Indiana's first round exit. Yes, I realize the obvious comeback to that, but how about we stick to the present? After all, that's what my field report was about. And if a coaching scandal is what ya'll are chalking up as your air time, like I said, I think I'll pass.

Young Cicero said...

Obviously it isn't the air time that IU wants to get. But when a school that made a first round exit generates more press by hiring a new coach than KU does with one of the greatest championship-game comebacks of all time, well that is just sad.