Wednesday, March 5, 2008

20 reasons why Ohio is the shittiest state in America


1. Ohio is home to THE Ohio State University. Thats right THE same university that cheated in 2002 to beat Miami, THE same university that has lost 3 straight national championships, THE same school that has had more felons on its football team than a maximum-security prison. Plus adding THE ahead of THE school's name may be THE gayest thing ever thought up by man
2. Ohio's speed limit is 65. Just for reference, in between the big cities in the state there is absolute shit but fields or trees. Yet all the interstates are 65mph which forces you to spend more time in Ohio than you need to.
3. Cleveland is so polluted it made Lake Erie catch fire. I don't think even the Chinese can pull that one off.
4. Cincinnati smells like ass.
5. Bob Huggins used to coach at Cincinnati, and the city loved him.
6. Ohio basically elected George W. Bush twice, then was promptly scorned by the nation. Yet now they voted for Hillary Clinton, who is even more like George W. Bush than republican candidate John McCain. Way to learn from your mistakes stupid ass Ohio.
7. 7 president's have come from Ohio, and they all sucked balls.
8. Athletes like Maurice Clarett are glorified in Ohio. In other states, someone like Clarett would be sent to the gas chambers.
9. There is not one natural landmark that has any appeal in the whole state. Other shitty states like South Dakota has Mt. Rushmore and much maligned Indiana has its dunes. The closest thing Ohio has to it are the rest stops on the turnpike.
10. Akron is famous for three things. Tires, Lebron James and unemployment. The first one shipped all its jobs to Mexico to save money, Lebron is leaving in 2 years, which only leaves Akron as a stinking, dirty, rust belt city.
11. Ohio is the state that brought you Mike Cooper and Carl Monday.
12. Per population, Ohio probably has the highest number of dumb, ugly, and fat girls in the country. All the pretty ones have moved south and all the smart ones realized fast how bad the state was leaving only the ones too stupid to leave or too ugly to be allowed to cross the border.
13. Cleveland named its baseball team the Indians, even though there hasn't been an Indian in the state in about a century.
14. If it wasn't for Ohio, we'd never know who that fat fuck Drew Carey was.
15. Ohio has some of the worst winter weather in the nation. Yet when it snows there's nothing to do because there's no fucking mountains in the state to ski on, plus the depression caused by the constant cloudiness is only magnified when you realize you live in fucking Ohio.
16. Rumor is that syphilis was first documented at Ohio University.
17. Ohio State named the mascot of their sports teams after a famous murderer, at least they have good foresight.
18. Ohio has 240 superfund sites. The number would be higher, but the US Government thought it would be easier just to make each county one site instead of taking the time and effort to list each specific site individually.
19. George Steinbrenner is from Ohio. Hank Steinbrenner is from Ohio by proxy.
20. Ohio makes New Jersey look good in comparison

17 comments:

Young Por 'que said...

More pointless commentary from the "swole" one.

1.) Maurice Clarett isn't glorified in Ohio, he is actually hated based on the fall out from his freshman year.

2.) Ohio actually had 8 presidents (way to do your due dilligence) - and one of them was just this guy Ulysses S. Grant, I'm sure no one knows who he is.

3.) No landmarks? There was this thing called the Erie Canal. I mean, it even had a song named after it. May not be a HUGE deal now, but fairly important in American History.

4.) I loved the comment about Cleveland and the Indians. Don't you live in a state that named their team the "Braves". I'm sorry... did I miss the difference there?

I could probably go on and on, but you are just throwin me lobs here and I am knockin em out the park.

I am not a lover of the state of Ohio, but this blog was pretty much a waste of time. I also just enjoy insulting your stupidity. You should invest more time into your baseball team so that you actually sniff the playoffs this year.

Young Knuckleballer said...

Gotta give OSU some props for beating Purdue yesterday. I still hate them, but any team that takes down the Boilers is fine in my book.

Young Cicero said...

I actually enjoyed most of this. Did any of you hear about how when Clarett was in Broncos training camp he told roommates and teammates that he needed to "get his goose on" (chug copious amounts of Grey Goose Vodka) before he would be able to practice???

Young Cicero said...

But I do think it is funny that someone who loves "The U" could hate on both: 1. Ohio State having thugs on their football team, and 2. Adding a very obnoxious "the" in front of their name. Even if it is just a Miami nickname.

Young Swole said...

Its funny that you mention these criticisms Porque when you are in fact wrong on 3 of the points:

1 - Ohio only had 7 presidents: grant, hayes, garfield, harrison, mckinley, taft, harding

2- the erie canal is in new york

3- Atlanta did not name their team the Braves. The franchise actually began in Boston, then moved to Milwaukee and then finally to Atlanta.

Thanks for doing your due dilligence Porque. I also enjoy insulting your stupidity. Maybe you should invest more time in gaining some knowledge instead of your baseball team so that you don't look like a chump the next time you try to crack on someone's blog post.

Young Por 'que said...

Silly boy. I'll help you count. Ready?

1.) William Henry Harrison
2.) Ulysses S. Grant
3.) Rutheford B Hayes
4.) James Garfield
5.) Benjamin Harrison
6.) William McKinley
7.) William Taft
8.) Warren Harden

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... yes, I believe I count 8 Presidents here (special props to The Count for helping me get through that).

I'm also well aware that the Braves began in Boston, then went to Milwaukee, then to Atlanta. But it is not unprecedented to change a team's mascot (see the Los Angles Lakers). Anyways, I was merely commenting on that fact that it is stupid to name your mascot based upon your surroundings. How many Jazz players can you find in Salt Lake City? I haven't seen a Cub wondering the streets of Chicago since I have moved here. And I highly doubt you will find a single Wizard anywhere in Washington. I digress...

Lastly, fuck the Erie Canal. I was in a rush to type out that comment because I was at work (somehow my stupidity landed me a pretty nice gig). But just so you know, there is another Erie Canal that is, in fact, located in Ohio and is registered with the US National Register of Historical Places. But either way, fuck the Erie Canal.

And thanks for at least admitting that I was right about the Clarett point. Fuck that chump, and his Grey Goose.

Young Taco Maker said...

"I could probably go on and on, but you are just throwin me lobs here and I am knockin em out the park."

I really enjoy irony so young por'que's attempt to appear knowledgeable really makes me happy.

heres a fun fact about the ohio and erie canal, which is different from the erie canal in NY (the one that matters). when railroads came through Ohio in the mid 19th century they made the ohio and erie canal obsolete. today what is left of the "canal" is just used as a drinking water reservoir. a real "landmark".

Ohio sucks, but I do have to point out that Zapp is from Ohio, and this makes a world of difference. you might remember roger troutman and Zapp from the california love video as the guy who sings the hook with that weird voice effect. he was a pioneer and the cholo low-rider culture of east l.a. wouldn't have anything to bounce to if it weren't for him.

tell me this is not awesome:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqynOvM4p0c

you can't really fuck with a guitar shaped like a machine gun being played by a dude wearing gloves.

Young Taco Maker said...

william henry harrison is from virginia. that makes 7 presidents from ohio.

Young Taco Maker said...

and its warren harding not harden

Young Por 'que said...

First, William Henry Harrison lived in Ohio and was a Senator and Representative from Ohio. But apparently he doesn't fit your criteria.

Second, no one knows what the hell you are talking about, ever. Both here on this comment, or in your blogs. Actually, who the hell are you, anyways?

Third, I am not trying to use this blog and/or comment board to appear intelligent/knowledgeable. This is a couple of friends who took their normal bickering and bantering from AIM to something posted on the Web, so that everyone can see them bitch at each other. The last person I would try to "impress with my knowledge of mundane facts that I can just find on Wikipedia" (which I did) would be any of my friends.

Lastly, got anymore pictures of animals sucking themselves off? The monkey just didn't fill my quota.

Young Por 'que said...

Thank you for the spell check also. I apologize for typing far to fast and not re-reading my work, which I apparently should.

It is funny to me now how you are just as guilty of the same "irony" that I was, attempting to "appear knowledgeable". Keep it up though.

Young Taco Maker said...

i am the person telling you that you're a douche

Young Taco Maker said...

you might know what i was talking about if you spent less time jerking off into chris berman's combover and spent more time out here with the monkey penis'

Young Knuckleballer said...

Por'que, I seem to remember you criticizing my grammar on this blog many times, so next time you want to hate, make sure you know what you're doing. Thanks.

Young Cicero said...

yeah porque. and your cubs preview sucks too.

Young Por 'que said...

Andy - Grammar isn't the same thing as spelling. And I didn't criticize your grammar, I criticized your capitalizing random ass words which made so sense.

BC - Pipe down.

Unknown said...

yeahhhh. im from ohio