Wednesday, March 5, 2008

20 reasons why Ohio is the shittiest state in America


1. Ohio is home to THE Ohio State University. Thats right THE same university that cheated in 2002 to beat Miami, THE same university that has lost 3 straight national championships, THE same school that has had more felons on its football team than a maximum-security prison. Plus adding THE ahead of THE school's name may be THE gayest thing ever thought up by man
2. Ohio's speed limit is 65. Just for reference, in between the big cities in the state there is absolute shit but fields or trees. Yet all the interstates are 65mph which forces you to spend more time in Ohio than you need to.
3. Cleveland is so polluted it made Lake Erie catch fire. I don't think even the Chinese can pull that one off.
4. Cincinnati smells like ass.
5. Bob Huggins used to coach at Cincinnati, and the city loved him.
6. Ohio basically elected George W. Bush twice, then was promptly scorned by the nation. Yet now they voted for Hillary Clinton, who is even more like George W. Bush than republican candidate John McCain. Way to learn from your mistakes stupid ass Ohio.
7. 7 president's have come from Ohio, and they all sucked balls.
8. Athletes like Maurice Clarett are glorified in Ohio. In other states, someone like Clarett would be sent to the gas chambers.
9. There is not one natural landmark that has any appeal in the whole state. Other shitty states like South Dakota has Mt. Rushmore and much maligned Indiana has its dunes. The closest thing Ohio has to it are the rest stops on the turnpike.
10. Akron is famous for three things. Tires, Lebron James and unemployment. The first one shipped all its jobs to Mexico to save money, Lebron is leaving in 2 years, which only leaves Akron as a stinking, dirty, rust belt city.
11. Ohio is the state that brought you Mike Cooper and Carl Monday.
12. Per population, Ohio probably has the highest number of dumb, ugly, and fat girls in the country. All the pretty ones have moved south and all the smart ones realized fast how bad the state was leaving only the ones too stupid to leave or too ugly to be allowed to cross the border.
13. Cleveland named its baseball team the Indians, even though there hasn't been an Indian in the state in about a century.
14. If it wasn't for Ohio, we'd never know who that fat fuck Drew Carey was.
15. Ohio has some of the worst winter weather in the nation. Yet when it snows there's nothing to do because there's no fucking mountains in the state to ski on, plus the depression caused by the constant cloudiness is only magnified when you realize you live in fucking Ohio.
16. Rumor is that syphilis was first documented at Ohio University.
17. Ohio State named the mascot of their sports teams after a famous murderer, at least they have good foresight.
18. Ohio has 240 superfund sites. The number would be higher, but the US Government thought it would be easier just to make each county one site instead of taking the time and effort to list each specific site individually.
19. George Steinbrenner is from Ohio. Hank Steinbrenner is from Ohio by proxy.
20. Ohio makes New Jersey look good in comparison

23 comments:

dickmau5 said...

More pointless commentary from the "swole" one.

1.) Maurice Clarett isn't glorified in Ohio, he is actually hated based on the fall out from his freshman year.

2.) Ohio actually had 8 presidents (way to do your due dilligence) - and one of them was just this guy Ulysses S. Grant, I'm sure no one knows who he is.

3.) No landmarks? There was this thing called the Erie Canal. I mean, it even had a song named after it. May not be a HUGE deal now, but fairly important in American History.

4.) I loved the comment about Cleveland and the Indians. Don't you live in a state that named their team the "Braves". I'm sorry... did I miss the difference there?

I could probably go on and on, but you are just throwin me lobs here and I am knockin em out the park.

I am not a lover of the state of Ohio, but this blog was pretty much a waste of time. I also just enjoy insulting your stupidity. You should invest more time into your baseball team so that you actually sniff the playoffs this year.

Andrew Adamson said...

Gotta give OSU some props for beating Purdue yesterday. I still hate them, but any team that takes down the Boilers is fine in my book.

Unknown said...

I actually enjoyed most of this. Did any of you hear about how when Clarett was in Broncos training camp he told roommates and teammates that he needed to "get his goose on" (chug copious amounts of Grey Goose Vodka) before he would be able to practice???

Unknown said...

But I do think it is funny that someone who loves "The U" could hate on both: 1. Ohio State having thugs on their football team, and 2. Adding a very obnoxious "the" in front of their name. Even if it is just a Miami nickname.

Young Swole said...

Its funny that you mention these criticisms Porque when you are in fact wrong on 3 of the points:

1 - Ohio only had 7 presidents: grant, hayes, garfield, harrison, mckinley, taft, harding

2- the erie canal is in new york

3- Atlanta did not name their team the Braves. The franchise actually began in Boston, then moved to Milwaukee and then finally to Atlanta.

Thanks for doing your due dilligence Porque. I also enjoy insulting your stupidity. Maybe you should invest more time in gaining some knowledge instead of your baseball team so that you don't look like a chump the next time you try to crack on someone's blog post.

dickmau5 said...

Silly boy. I'll help you count. Ready?

1.) William Henry Harrison
2.) Ulysses S. Grant
3.) Rutheford B Hayes
4.) James Garfield
5.) Benjamin Harrison
6.) William McKinley
7.) William Taft
8.) Warren Harden

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... yes, I believe I count 8 Presidents here (special props to The Count for helping me get through that).

I'm also well aware that the Braves began in Boston, then went to Milwaukee, then to Atlanta. But it is not unprecedented to change a team's mascot (see the Los Angles Lakers). Anyways, I was merely commenting on that fact that it is stupid to name your mascot based upon your surroundings. How many Jazz players can you find in Salt Lake City? I haven't seen a Cub wondering the streets of Chicago since I have moved here. And I highly doubt you will find a single Wizard anywhere in Washington. I digress...

Lastly, fuck the Erie Canal. I was in a rush to type out that comment because I was at work (somehow my stupidity landed me a pretty nice gig). But just so you know, there is another Erie Canal that is, in fact, located in Ohio and is registered with the US National Register of Historical Places. But either way, fuck the Erie Canal.

And thanks for at least admitting that I was right about the Clarett point. Fuck that chump, and his Grey Goose.

Young Taco Maker said...

"I could probably go on and on, but you are just throwin me lobs here and I am knockin em out the park."

I really enjoy irony so young por'que's attempt to appear knowledgeable really makes me happy.

heres a fun fact about the ohio and erie canal, which is different from the erie canal in NY (the one that matters). when railroads came through Ohio in the mid 19th century they made the ohio and erie canal obsolete. today what is left of the "canal" is just used as a drinking water reservoir. a real "landmark".

Ohio sucks, but I do have to point out that Zapp is from Ohio, and this makes a world of difference. you might remember roger troutman and Zapp from the california love video as the guy who sings the hook with that weird voice effect. he was a pioneer and the cholo low-rider culture of east l.a. wouldn't have anything to bounce to if it weren't for him.

tell me this is not awesome:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqynOvM4p0c

you can't really fuck with a guitar shaped like a machine gun being played by a dude wearing gloves.

Young Taco Maker said...

william henry harrison is from virginia. that makes 7 presidents from ohio.

Young Taco Maker said...

and its warren harding not harden

dickmau5 said...

First, William Henry Harrison lived in Ohio and was a Senator and Representative from Ohio. But apparently he doesn't fit your criteria.

Second, no one knows what the hell you are talking about, ever. Both here on this comment, or in your blogs. Actually, who the hell are you, anyways?

Third, I am not trying to use this blog and/or comment board to appear intelligent/knowledgeable. This is a couple of friends who took their normal bickering and bantering from AIM to something posted on the Web, so that everyone can see them bitch at each other. The last person I would try to "impress with my knowledge of mundane facts that I can just find on Wikipedia" (which I did) would be any of my friends.

Lastly, got anymore pictures of animals sucking themselves off? The monkey just didn't fill my quota.

dickmau5 said...

Thank you for the spell check also. I apologize for typing far to fast and not re-reading my work, which I apparently should.

It is funny to me now how you are just as guilty of the same "irony" that I was, attempting to "appear knowledgeable". Keep it up though.

Young Taco Maker said...

i am the person telling you that you're a douche

Andrew Adamson said...

Por'que, I seem to remember you criticizing my grammar on this blog many times, so next time you want to hate, make sure you know what you're doing. Thanks.

Unknown said...

yeah porque. and your cubs preview sucks too.

dickmau5 said...

Andy - Grammar isn't the same thing as spelling. And I didn't criticize your grammar, I criticized your capitalizing random ass words which made so sense.

BC - Pipe down.

Unknown said...

yeahhhh. im from ohio

Ohio girl said...

You cannot say all the women in Ohio are ugly, fat, etc. it’s extremely rude. You do not understand that not everyone in Ohio is a dem. I am a girl and I’m not ugly or fat it’s rude to call my state crap and I’m sure your state is no better than mine as all states are equal. Sure some may have better sports or better education, but you cannot say Ohio is the worst state it’s not right.

Ohio girl said...

In what way does Ohio suck. We do have a land mark. If you went to school(which you probably didn’t) you’d know that Ohio has a peace memorial from the war of 1812.

Unknown said...

They do... it's called the First Amendment, "loser".

Unknown said...

cant you people get along wow

Unknown said...

"People" from Ohio gettin real mad up in here

This is Hell on Earth!!! said...

Ohio, where it is normal to have an IQ of 40. Ohio, where inbreeding is the norm. Ohio, the shitty birth state of the Cleveland Torso Murderer, Donald Harvey, Edward Edwards, Charles Manson, Jeffery Dahmer, Ariel Castro(Raised there, but he might as well have been born there.), Anthony Sowell, Brian Peppers, John Dillinger, John Dean, Randle Lee Roberts II, Jerenique Cunningham, Cleveland Jackson, Shawn Grate, Jeanette McAdams, James Litteral, Kim Anderson, Joy Major Hoop, Carl G. Lindsey, Charles Mitchell, Kevin Neal, Juan Kinley, Dovie Blanche Dean, "Arsenic" Anna Marie Hahn, Betty Butler, James Goff, Charles Arthur "Pretty Boy" Floyd, Cletus Reese, Donald Hoffman, Herb Baumeister, Judith Hawkey, Gerald Hand, Ollie Mastronardi, David Lance Bruce, James Worley, U.S. Army Major General Geoffrey D. Miller, Eric David Harris, Marvin Johnson, Daniel Bixler, Terry D. Shepherd, Matthew Dowdel, Eve Irene Kelley,

Civil War General Robert Kingston Scott, Wesley Coonrod, Chester McKnight, Herbert Meeker, Michael and Sharon Gravelle, Reese Bailey, Ma'lik Richmond, Trent Mays, Mike McVey, Matthew Hoffman, Jeffrey Lundgren, Todd Hall, Scott Moody, Daniel Petric, John C. Stojetz, Steven Cepec, John Hedrick, Louis Hand, Jacob Nesbitt, Ralph Ash, Adelard Cunin, Travis Lee Fischer, Shane Roush, Thomas Lee Dillon, Frederick Mundt, Charles Hart, Patrick Pidock, Cleo Vernon Keaton, Michelle Bica, Dennis McGuire, Kenneth Richey, Christopher Newton, John Warren Parsons, Sandusky County Sheriff Kyle Overmyer, Lawrence Hensley, Bobby Lee Cutts, Marie Poling, Mark Dean Schwab, Nathan Gale, John Spirko Jr., Gregory McKnight, Austin Myers, Timothy Mosley, Noal Quattlebaum, Robert Anthony Buell, Andrew F. Tyler, Richard Edwin Fox, and Richard Clark Jr.

Ohio, where the rare smart people born there leave with a quickness. Ohio, where amber alerts and pedophilia are the norm. Ohio, where 95% of the population are desperate faggots, most likely due to the large amount of redneck inbreeding. The shit eaters, shit demons, shit goblins won't hook up with each other, but will try to get with, and aggravatingly stalk, straight people. Ohio, where the level of radon gas is very high. Ohio, where the supermarkets are always damn near empty; and the storage boxes are all over the market floor. Ohio, where it is the norm to be a nosy, betraying, racist, proudly stupid, musty, evil piece of shit, that will make friends, just to use and leech off of them. Ohio, where the women are fat, pregnant, strung out on drugs, tattooed, full of stds and shattered life dreams by the time they are 20.

Ohio, where the weather is as randomly fucked up as its people. Ohio, where the Cuyahoga River is so polluted that it has bursted into flames 14 times. Ohio, where Lake Erie is polluted to the brim and the sky is constantly filled with smog. Ohio, where the people have no good driving skills whatsoever. Ohio, where the po-lice are corrupt nazi pigs, that will do whatever it takes, just to write you a ticket. Ohio, where cluelessness and naivety are the norm. Ohio, where the only thing they are recognised for is their college football team.

Ohio, which has checker pattern neighborhoods: really ghetto, really rich, really ghetto, etc. Ohio, which will stay stagnant with its funds. Ohio, which should be split into three sections: one for prisons, one for rehabs, and one for cemeteries. Ohio, where there are drugs everywhere because the locals have to numb out. They know how shitty this state is but they can't ever admit it or make it better. Ohio, the shittiest state in the nation, which should be the main trash dump of America.

Ohio3 said...

Stop bashing ohio we dont care its who your hanging out with and doing with your life . It seems like some of you are just miserable. Thats your problem . Ohio rarley gets tornado's . Yeah it might be cloudy . Who cares ? Ppl like Ohio of the 4 seasons , colleges ect. Find something to do . Be happy !!!