Friday, May 2, 2008

The Question Now Is Who HASN'T Experienced "The Rocket"

A tumultuous past few months for Roger Clemens just keeps on getting worse. After his name and credibility were run through the mud, it appears all of his skeletons are starting to really come out. We have learned that in the course of his career, Roger has taken aim to, not only break as many pitching records as he possibly could, but also arguably the most hollowed record of them all: Wilt Chamberlain and his 20,000 women of love.

First it was an alleged affair with country singer Mindy McCready, who would have been 15 years old when Clemens gave her the business (that's normal). Then it was John Daly's former wife who claimed that she received her own version of a Clemens "ball" (terrible pun). Now, evidently, there is a stripper coming out of the woodwork claiming that Clemens and her had their own little affair going on. At the rate this is going (and things can only get that much more bizarre from here), look for the following names to step up next:

- Andy Pettite (completely inevitable)
- Mike Piazza's wife
- Madonna
- Barbaro

(The office pool I started is paying 5-1 odds on Barbaro, but only 1-2 odds on Pettite).

In other news of grimy professional athletes, Karl Malone has a son, Demetrius Bell, who was actually drafted this past year in the 2008 NFL Draft. Buuuuuuuuuut, it appears that Demetrius' mother, Gloria, had him when she was 13. Hmmm. I'm no math major here, but if she was 13, and it take 9 months to have a baby, that would make her about the ripe age of 12 when the Mailman delivered his seed. Malone was a sophomore in college when they met back in 1984 (and I thought that high school girl from my junior year was... nevermind). Anyways, Karl had this to say to his son after they finally met when Demetrius was 18:

"It's too late for us to have a relationship. You will have to make your own fortune."

Gee, thanks for the pep talk, pops. At least I didn't have to get sex advice from you.

Anyways, this leads me to the following advice for all future and current NBA, MLB, and NFL stars (we don't have to worry about NHL so much):

"Don't be a fool, wrap your tool."

"Sex can wait - masturbate."

1 comment:

Young Swole said...

This is what happens when women are allowed to punch holes in condoms and get away with it.

Or, Clemens and Malone are just country as fuck and are too dumb to think rationally. JUST SKEET ON HER FACE!!!