Monday, January 28, 2008
Tonight, George W. Bush gave his last State of the Union address to the nation. His final report on the status of the country got me doing a little reflecting and thinking of my own. So many disconcerting events take place on a daily basis, and things seem to get worse every day.
So I asked myself "Is there any common denominator with any of these events?" Then it came to me- one man, the beacon of hope for our troubled times, has been out of our hearts and minds for too long. During his absence, the agents of terror and mayhem have run wild, sowing seeds of violence and immorality. So I ask you, Jack Bauer, to return to us. Restore credibility to the greatest facebook group of all times. Come back and start putting the world right, 24 hours at a time. Think of all the things you could fix:
-The complicated Presidential election season. Bauer could get off to a good start by bringing all the remaining Presidential candidates together for a single purpose: a cage fight to the death, last person who manages to stay alive while Bauer goes nuts will get the job. It will show who the true survivor really is. This should happen soon; if the survivor is badly wounded he (or she) will need time to recover. If they should happen to expire due to injuries sustained, Dennis Haysbert will take the job by default.
-Steroids in baseball. The Mitchell Report was not comprehensive because many suspected users and suppliers refused to talk to George Mitchell. Something tells me Bauer will be able to get the answers he seeks.
-The "Recession." Bauer will descend upon the nation's capitol to provide quick fixes to the government. He will freeze interest rates on mortgages effective immediately and until he says otherwise, increase protective tariffs for U.S. goods, convene a council of leading scholars from the Post-Keynesian School of Law and Economics to develop long-term goals, and start printing money with his own face on it. It will be more valuable than gold.
-Chinese Olympics. Not only are the athletes probably going to die from the sheer level of pollution in Beijing, but the communist slave drivers are using slave labor to try and get their city ready for this ludicrous display. Bauer will intercept the Olympic torch at some point along its path, and bring it to CTU Los Angeles, where the Olympics will be held instead. New events will include:
- "Avoid Bauer," where you have to make your way through the building in the dark while
Jack stalks you.
- "Who Can Hold Their Breath in a Room of Poison Gas the Longest?" Pretty self-
- "Who Is Brave Enough to Walk Into a Room of Plutonium First." Winner gets a billion
points, but will ultimately die.
- And finally, an event where contestants are told a secret, then judged on how long they can
keep it a secret from Jack.
-The Britney Spears Saga. Bauer will use some of the same rehabilitation techniques with Britney that he learned during his time in China. Maybe some of these same methods can be helpful for Jaimie Lynn and the parents, too. Jack also takes issue with the fact that Britney's father is an LSU fan. Jack likes U.C.L.A.
-The Writer's Strike. This is the reason he has been gone for so long, so Jack will have special Bauer-style justice to distribute to fix this problem. He will disband all television and only one channel will be broadcasted: The Jack Bauer Reality Network. All Jack, all the time.
It's got to be better than anything else going on these days...