Does anyone else wonder what the heck is going on with the Miami Dolphins? Well, after their 1-15 campaign in 2007, probably not. But since Ace Ventura is one of my all-time favorite movies, an early-season injury to Ronnie Brown doomed my fantasy football season, and the Dolphins did me a big favor by preventing the Rams from becoming the biggest disappointment of the year, I can’t help but hope the team puts this dismal chapter of its history behind them and regain relevance in the NFL.
But this begs the question of why they would hire Bill Parcells to champion their rebuilding effort? Does the Tuna have two Super Bowl Rings? Yes. Multiple Coach of the Year honors? Sure. Stunning physical physique? Let’s not push it… But I digress. Hasn’t he also not won a Super Bowl since back when we were fighting our FIRST war with Sadaam Hussein, worn the most hideous polyester shorts this side of your P.E. teacher, and NEVER been in this type of role before? Yes, yes, and yes. He has been successful, yes, but that practically ages ago, and he had guys like Phil Simms and Lawrence Taylor to build around. And in Miami? Not so much. At his age, and with his temperament, can he undertake, and complete, the type of rebuilding operation the Fins need to be successful? Perhaps, but I can’t be optimistic.
The Tuna’s last job was in Dallas, a different environment certainly, but with more to work with too. Not only did he know that Jerry Jones’s deep pockets and burning desire to win would ensure him the ability to field a competitive team with marquee players, but they also provided him with the motivation to win and win NOW (see: Steinbrenner, George). Can Wayne Huizinga do the same behind Parcells in Miami?
And while he did get the Big D into the first postseason action it has seen since its mid-90’s heyday, people seem to forget that he never actually WON any playoff games. And what is he doing now that he is the man picking personnel in Miami? Pretty much his usual shtick of just signing players and coaches who have worked for him in the past. Yawn. Call me when Keyshawn suits up in Miami because I have a feeling that’s coming. Hopefully Vinny Testaverde can resist the temptation to make a fool out of himself again this year, even though he might be better than John Beck and Cleo Lemon combined. Oh wait I mean he exceeds their combined ages. And with the social security checks he is now eligible for, Vinny T shouldn’t need the money.
With the possible exception of the tragic Atlanta Falcons, no franchise needed visionary leadership and a breath of fresh air in the front office worse than the Dolphins. Sadly, I have to think they’ve dropped the ball by hiring Parcells. They don’t need a dinosaur from the 80’s that lacks the patience and the personality to turn around any ships these days. They would have been wise to emulate the Steelers fantastic hire of Mike Tomlin. A fresh face with new ideas would do wonders in south Florida, and the Tuna offers neither. Instead it will be Dallas West, or Cowboys lite, if you will. So I’m sorry Miami, but don’t expect miracle working any time soon. At least the fans of every other team can rest easy and know that they won’t have worry about being the worst team next season. That distinction will belong to the Fish: a bunch of hapless Dolphins and one very unhappy Tuna.